Tardies

It has been awhile since my last post and I fully intended to write something meaningful about divorce again, but frankly, I can't write about that today. It's not on my emotional or creative radar. With that out of the way, let's discuss the topic of tardiness.

One of my biggest, most irritating peeves is adults who are habitually late to everything - meetings, work, social gatherings, appointments,...you name it. You know who they are. They're the ones we have to adjust our own clocks for. "If I tell her 7:30 pm, then she'll definitely be there by 8:00 pm," for example, or "Yeah, he's always about ten minutes late, so we should probably go ahead and order our drinks."

This, my friends, is horse shit. Now, I am not irrational about this topic. I know that things sometimes prevent us from being on time. I have been stuck in traffic having planned sufficient time to get to work or tried to leave for an appointment only to have an unannounced colleague stop in to talk about something important to our work. I have been late. What I haven't been though is HABITUALLY LATE.

So this is for all of you, TARDIES. Consider this when you're giving yourself a five-ten minute cushion or arriving thirty minutes late for an appointment.

When all is said and done, being habitually late is RUDE and it makes you look bad to others. It smacks of unreliability and instantly subtracts your maturity credits. Showing up late to everything is selfish, irresponsible, and is not a good way to be taken seriously. Let me clarify a bit. When I say "tardy," I mean, late all the time, for everything, and without remorse, reason, or excuse. Now that you have all the caveats, I'll continue.

Tardies often don't feel all that badly for being late to something. There is often little by way of reason and at times, they portray this "Well, you know how I am" attitude whenever a suspicious or disappointed glance is thrown in their direction. Tardies, to be clear, don't really care if they've kept others waiting or inconvenienced someone else. Tardies care strictly about themselves, their own timetable, and expect others to conform to this irresponsible sense of untimeliness.

A tardy would be late to his own funeral causing the mortician incredible grief, not to mention his friends and family.
I jest not.

In grade school, tardies were given detention or write-ups for their lateness. There were consequences. How that didn't transition to adulthood, I don't know. Maybe they had poor role models who were late to everything. Maybe they simply have an aversion to scheduling, but what Tardies don't understand is that there are real consequences to their routine, unprofessional behavior.

1. Tardies make everyone else wait. This is blatant disrespect. Your friends, family, loved ones, coworkers, etc. have made time to make you a priority and you keep them waiting on you. You expect them to adjust and relax about it, but in actuality, you've messed with their schedules, their patience, and their sense of time management so they can get their goals completed that day. Your lateness is rude, inconsiderate, and well, tardy. All you're saying with your actions is that you care more about you and much, much less about others.

2. You are unreliable. You can't prove that you can show up on time, so what would compel an employer to hire you? If a manager cannot rely on your showing up on time to do your job, what does that mean for his/her company or department? Tardiness can cost you money and respect.

3. You look stupid and disorganized. People who are always late are considered more childish and more incapable of responsibility. More and more people will avoid giving you responsibilities or asking you to do things. You will exist without much professional or social credit. You're a lark - a disorganized person who can't be trusted with what's important.

4. You let people down. Show up late to your child's program or a friend's wedding? Show up late to a date or a meeting? Putting your unwillingness to plan ahead and refusal to schedule wisely shows you simply don't care about the team here. This can result in loss of relationships - unions important for social balance and comfort. Who wants to be there for you when you won't be there for someone else?

5. Being a tardy, as mentioned before, is selfish. Selfish people don't make friends and they're not great role models. You're the paramount of "what not to do" as it relates to everything and eventually, people will stop calling, stop asking, and stop adjusting. Being a tardy can result in loneliness.

And this is what I don't understand. Perhaps I am naive to think that is a very important characteristic in adults, but I've found that more often than not, people who are late to everything are widely unpopular, unfocused, immature, and typically the last one to arrive and the first one to leave. There's an exception to every rule, but to date, I haven't found it.

Even if your friends and family make jokes about your always being late, this isn't a good thing; it's their way of coping until one day they can't take it anymore. Eventually, tardies are going to miss something important and it's going to hurt more people than ever intended. I have yet to hear someone I know (who is a Tardy) give me a reason (a valuable reason) for always being late. Here are some excuses though:

"You know me. I'm always late." (F-Off.)

"I'm running behind." (So, you still set your alarm as late as possible? How about setting it for ten minutes earlier. Just in case?)

"I've just been so busy, ya know." (Really?! As in, my time isn't valuable and I'm not? Again, F-Off.)

"I was on the phone." (If you can't multitask or prioritize by now, I don't wanna connect with you all that much.)

"Thanks for waiting." (You're assuming I did it willingly.)

Growing up, I lived in a family who was perpetually early to everything. I still do this. It's not really a great way to go either, but it's far less disrespectful than being late. If anything, I've grown comfy sitting in my running car for ten minutes before going in for an appointment.

And life does happen to people. Cars break down. Kids throw fits and wrench up even the best laid plans. People get sick. People oversleep. Traffic is nightmarish. I know, I've been there. Being late once and awhile isn't a problem. It happens. But being that guy/woman who is ALWAYS behind schedule, always tardy, is inexcusable to me. It's downright rude.

I know I sound self-righteous and I don't mean to. Not really. I recognize that though I'm always on time, I need to relax my sense of right/wrong. I get that. But it seems as if in this day it's more commonplace and "accepted universally" that people can be late. With all of our technology for scheduling and multitasking, if anything, we should be ahead of schedule, if not, at least, on time.

*end rant*

A Woman's Guide to Divorce: The Basics

This blog may become a short series. To preface what I'm about to write, I have to say that I've been inspired to revisit the topic of divorce having gone through a December in which many of my friends were either marrying or divorcing. Whether I like it or not, observing the fall-outs and new connections brings back my own memories. Call this a purge. Call this reasonable advice. Call it what you want, just call it honest.

A Woman's Guide to Divorce (the first of perhaps several other posts)

I first and foremost promise not to assume the man's perspective on divorce. A) I'm not a man. B) I cannot explain the male perspective and C) All notes regarding male behavior in divorces comes strictly from my own observation, reading, or the presumptions gleaned from friends and family.

When a woman becomes engaged and plans her wedding, she doesn't intend to prepare herself for a divorce. Sure, couples break up, but that only happens to boyfriends and girlfriends, right? Unfortunately, many women become entirely wrapped up in "wedding" and not "marriage," only to wake up one morning, married, next to a man she hasn't had a complete discussion with since she said "Yes."

I've watched many women obsess over rings, over caterers, dresses, shoes, bridesmaids, flowers, honeymoon packages, and all things wedding-fabulous only to notice that rarely does a potential wife ever mention the word wedding in the context of "we" or the event in the context of "future" or "marriage." They're too busy planning their hair style or weight loss regimen.

It's easy to do. We've grown up playing dress up, Mash, and falling in and out of love with celebrities on the cover of Teen Beat magazine. We're trained for this. This is why weddings are awesome events most of the time. We are also trained to believe that men don't care much for weddings, their part is over with picking the ring, if we even let them do that.

Now I know I'm generalizing a lot here, but take this for what I mean: many women come to the alter full-on prepared for the wedding, but completely unprepared for the marriage. Sure, we know that after this, the fun starts with our entrance at the party, but then what? Oh right, honeymoon. But after all the blissful beginnings, in two to three weeks, we have to begin...REAL LIFE. Real life WITH A MAN.

If you lived with your boyfriend for awhile, you may be a bit more prepared for day-to-day life together; however, nothing prepares you for marriage, not really. It's just different. It's learning and growing with another person. It's getting down and dirty with all things emotional, spiritual, and physical. And you're going to disagree. A lot. You're even going to fight with one another. You're going to piss each other off and you're going have opposing viewpoints on silly things like when to go to bed, whether or not the butter stays out or in the fridge, whether or not you want the basic or extended cable service package, etc. You're going to disagree about money, sex, friends, and work.

At the wedding, on YOUR BIG DAY, a lot of this just doesn't register. Sure, you've fought before, but you're in LOVE with each other. From this day forward, it's romance city.

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sleeping Beauty, marriage is tough. That's why the divorce rate in the U.S. is so high. Marriage is a commitment that our self-absorbed, media seduced, me-centric personalities have difficulty dealing with. It takes compassion, endurance, and good old fashioned hard work. It also takes a leap of faith that things will work out until one or both of you are dead. It takes enduring through the seduction of Facebook; it takes weathering the fights, the pregnancies, the 'tough times'; it takes also takes knowing when to bail.

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but like all things beautiful, the price is sometimes pain. Some pain is normal. A lot of pain is not. And some marriages have shelf lives. Each relationship we have allows us to grow and evolve individually. These unions move us forward, often make us stronger, better people. Some married people need to split to keep moving forward. It's not the Devil at work here; it's human nature.
It's growth.

Ladies, I know I sound like a turncoat here. But marriage isn't always going to be 'til death do you part.' For everyone I know, I wish the best of all things romantic, but I also want everyone I know to grow, learn, and become more beautiful be it through marriage or divorce.

Here's my personal take on things...

Not so long ago, I was planning a wedding. I remember being excited to be asked to be someone's wife. My fiance was a nice guy and we got along pretty well. We bought a house. We got engaged. We did the living in sin thing for a year just to make sure we wanted to be "in this for good."

My wedding day was beautiful. It still ranks up there in my "top days of my life list." My honeymoon was terrific. Sure, we had a few things go awry in all the wedding hoopla, but nothing major. We forgot to put out the celebratory cocktail napkins at the reception and I suppose that could have been a red flag, but at the time, it didn't seem quite so bad to bring home 500 napkins for our own, personal use.

Looking back, I probably should have done a lot more thinking prior to our wedding day. Maybe I should have evaluated how we would spend our money together or fought back a little when I felt I was being taken advantage of. Perhaps I should have listened to my mom prior to walking down the aisle, who said, "You don't have to do this if you don't want to." (This is 100% true. I'll never forget it.)

But I loved this guy and we were, you know, happy and upon returning from our honeymoon, we kicked off "real life."
And women are often ill-prepared for this. It feels like the romance of your relationship has suddenly waned. It's not all about kissing and hugging in public and dammit if thank you notes aren't a huge pain in the ass. They say the first year is the hardest. I think it's the second. Suddenly, it hurts when he doesn't want to cuddle or you find out he's got more girl friends than guy friends calling and emailing. Later it feels weird when it's a peck on the cheek and you're not French kissing like lovers anymore. Suddenly, his bad habits feel like a big deal.

I'm sure for men, it is similar. Women aren't perfect. We try, but we're not at all close to perfect.

It's in those first few years that couples have an opportunity to work things through, establish "house norms" and get to know each other in those ways you missed prior to the wedding. You're embarking on new territory and you're discussing things like 401 Ks and children and related things. In my marriage, we committed the biggest mistake.
We didn't Communicate.
We got along for the sake of getting along - perpetually trying to forgive each other for grievances to avoid having to duke it out. In the end, we were faking it. We didn't know each other at all. I didn't know my husband back then didn't really want children. We had talked about it, but neither of us had been all that honest.

Back then, I cared more about him than I did about myself. We both did. It ruined everything.

It was nobody's fault; we both had good intentions. We both wanted a marriage that worked, but we wanted it to be easy, smooth, without disruption and without too many disputes. The truth is, life isn't that way.
Marriage isn't that way.
For us hopeless romantics, it's a pretty severe reality especially when you're coming down from that honeymoon high.

The couples who have it right know it's work from the get go. Those are the ones who last, or maybe last longer.

I was a divorcee by 27. I'm still embarrassed by it, to be honest. My divorce was an amicable one, if you count letting your ex have his way on everything. My divorce also left me a shred of my former emotional self. It left me vacant, exposed, and completely vulnerable. It also gave me a new lease on life. It left me pissed off, sad, excited, empowered, and broke.
It made me a walking, talking time bomb.
It made me a menace at the bar.
It made me hungry for love.
It made me hungry for a real fight.
I was madder than hell and happy as hell. All at once.

Now add your period to that and you've got me, at 25% of the month.
*Scary*

Ladies, divorce, no matter how you slice it, is tough goings. It hurts. Regardless of how friendly or nasty your split is, it still rocks your emotional core. Even if you were the primary bread winner or success in the relationship, you're still left drained of the plans and expectations you had. It's loss.
It's a death.
Seriously.

And when facing a divorce or the aftermath of divorce, I've learned the following things through my last three years. I thought I'd share them with you...maybe they'll help you. Maybe they'll just piss you off, but believe me, being a woman is hard. Being a divorcee is harder.
But it doesn't have to be the end of your identity or your life...

1. Your ex may be a real bastard. He may be the epitome of 'sucks at life' (not in my case though), but hate him in private. Tell your lawyer, tell a good friend, but blasting everyone you know with your open loathing for him makes not only him look bad, but you look worse.

2. Protect and love your children. They are innocent. They didn't break you up. They also don't understand. Talk compassionately with them, support them, and make wise decisions about what you say and do around them. Live like a parent all the time. Even in divorce, in most cases, you're still co-parenting. You have to work together on that for life.

3. Get your balls out. When bargaining and negotiating the terms of your settlement, be honest, fair, and stand up for what is rightfully yours. Let petty things go. Go balls-to-the-wall on the stuff that matters. Get a GOOD lawyer if it's needed.

4. Don't become a ho. Being single again is not a free pass for Herpes. Sure, you want to be loved and admired and complimented, but shacking up with every bar-guy is a terrible idea. Go on dates. Meet people. Do that when you're ready. No one wants you unloading baggage all over the table on a blind date. Be yourself. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you're ready to hit the sack with anyone. Me? Oh yeah, I always ended up boo-hooing on some poor ass-hat or blocking calls from people I stupidly gave my number to. Be smart when going out to meet people.

5. Give yourself time to grieve.

6. Do things differently. Approach your new life with vigor and open-mindedness. You never know...things JUST may work out. Time is the key term.

7. DO NOT stalk, trash talk, harass, or be a general asshole to your ex. Sure, he probably deserves it, but again, some actions are illegal and others just waste time you could spend developing a better you. Don't make shit up and don't harass and hate on those your ex is close to during this time. You're mad. Everyone gets it. You should be, but don't compromise your integrity for a few lousy digs.

8. Communicate with your family and friends. Tell your story to those who will support you and help you. Be fair. Be honest. But don't go dumping your problems on anyone who will listen. Revenge in divorce only makes everyone lose.

9. Do NOT use your children as a way to punish your ex. That is incredibly unfair. To THEM.
Remember, you are a still a role model, even if you're single.

10. Cry. Get mad. Have a tantrum. It's okay to do so.

11. Dive into new things. Develop your interests.

12. Work Out. Trust me. It helps.

13. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I wish I had gotten a dollar for every time I called someone to help me with my car, my apartment, etc.

14. Realize you're not alone. Try not resent happy couples. Just because you're no longer married, doesn't mean it won't happen for you too.

15. Understand that love, commitment, trust, and honesty are never going to quite feel the same, but this doesn't have to be a bad thing. It could lead to better things.

16. Don't become a bitch just because Life has thrown you a heinous curve ball. Pity, whining, and poor behavior will last only so long with people. Remember, you don't have to stop loving people.

17. Talk. A counselor is a good idea. Find a good one. Objectiveness in your situation can shed new light on why you're in this situation.

18. Be super cautious when dating. (see next blog)

19. It is okay to miss him. It is okay to still love him. It won't necessarily change things, but you can't feasibly expect yourself to not love your ex instantaneously just because you're divorcing. Don't hate yourself or feel weak because you can remember when things were good. (see grieving)

20. Roll with the punches. Life is going to be good. It hurts now, but that will change with the time that works for you. You have to learn to love yourself before you can really give yourself over to marriage and love. This is a good time to start loving yourself, the real you, the one who wasn't quite ready this time.

My divorce wasn't ugly. It wasn't mean-spirited or hateful. My ex and I just realized that we were destined to be friends and not lovers. We had different ideas about how the world should work. We had differing opinions on how we both should conduct our lives and our life together. We both lacked the guts to talk to each other openly. We didn't care enough when we really should. We made very superficial things more important than us.
It happens.
A lot.
Even here in the Bible Belt.

And ladies, divorce sucks. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, but it doesn't have to be the end of you. This doesn't mean there isn't a man or woman out there for you. It's just not your time yet. Your ex taught you something, even if he is a douche bag, and your relationship has broken down, broken you down, so you can regroup and rebuild. And be stronger. Time is the hardest part. Note that anytime you try to speed things up or do them quickly, the more slowly they will go. It's for a reason.

You may feel broken by divorce and you may feel your identity as 50% slipping away, but this only means that you're working toward 100% of a 200% coupledom someday. When you got married, you didn't know it wouldn't be forever. I didn't know either.

But I wouldn't change where I've been or how far I've come for the world.
My divorce changed me forever and in truth, it taught me to love.
The real way.

This is your chance. Take it.

Going through a divorce doesn't mean marriage is over for you for good. It simply means the bad marriage is over. If it's your destiny, a happier, healthier relationship will be an integral part of your future. I believe this. It's taken me three years to get this far. And I still believe in happy endings.

Cheers.

Fun for the New Year

Happy 2011!

It's common for individuals to jot down personal goals and resolutions for the new year five minutes after the ball drops; however, despite having my own list of "to-dos," I thought I'd write down resolutions I'd happily hand over to other people. That is, if they wanted my opinion on the matter. (*winks*)

I call this "New Year Resolutions for Ass-Hats."
Enjoy, friends. If you find yourself in this spirited list, I apologize. Kind of.


1. When shopping, I resolve to put down my phone/hang up/stop text messaging/etc. while completing a transaction with the store clerk in front of me. I realize that in 2010, I was rude.
I know the drive-thru at the pharmacy and the bank count too.

2. I will discontinue trying to become my boyfriend. Trying on his clothes is one thing. Trying on his entire personality is another thing entirely. I am not a man. At least not now. I resolve to remember my vagina.

3. I will cease to drive at speeds lower than the posted speed limit in 2011. I realize how much it pains others trying to adhere to the posted speed limit. I will pull over and let people pass if I'm nervous, scared, or can't see more than fifty feet ahead. I will buy a booster seat or phone book to sit on if I can't see and will quit talking on my cell phone while driving if I don't have a hands-free, Blue Tooth apparatus.

4. I resolve to stop holding petty offenses over other people's heads and let the minor infraction go. After all, angst and resentment causes acne and it doesn't matter who can beat up whom in the end even if I know I'm right. It's just going to piss me off later if they have clearer skin than I do.

5. I will refrain from regurgitating everything I read in a book to all of my friends. I will pay more attention to reading comprehension and then initiate topics in social situations rather that blatantly state what someone else thinks as my own opinion. I apologize for plagiarizing in the past.

6. I resolve to abstain from trying to be trendy or hip by deliberately "going against the grain" on everything. I will purchase organic foods and listen to Kings of Leon only if I genuinely enjoy them. I will learn more about diversity and how easily a trend can develop.

7. I will find a way to stop the frequency of the Sarah McLachlan adopt-a-pet commercials while finding a way to earn more money to save abused animals. I realize the volume, music, and unnecessarily lengthy spots are hurting others emotionally, paralyzing them and preventing more donations.

8. I will quit being an ass-clown and/or a heinous vengeful b*tch on social networking sites. Effective now. Blocking and hiding content doesn't make it any less true - doesn't make it any less true that I'm an ass-clown/heinous vengeful b*tch that is.

9. I resolve not to be tardy when I can seriously help it. It causes panic and undue stress to others in my life.

10. I will accept my vices and try to fix the things I can. I will be an adult in 2011 with the spirit of a child at the times when it's appropriate.

11. I will live a little.

12. I will not - I will NOT - wear jeggings. No matter what.

13. I resolve to understand that my purse, my shoes, and earrings are accessories. Just that. Not implements for Midwestern "cool." I will understand that having paid $320 for a handbag is peanuts compared to New York City and I will quit flaunting unless I got a bargain bag from the trunk of a car in Queens.

14. I will reciprocate with my friends. I love them. They love me. I owe it to them to be a strong, committed, and responsible person. I owe that to myself too.

15. I resolve not to let my children talk me into McDonald's more than once a week. Lawsuit or not, I'm the parent. I'm the example. I am responsible for being enough in control to ensure they become strong, happy, and healthy adults.

16. I resolve to not equate difference to being "Liberal."

17. I will park in my own damn driveway to prevent children and basketballs from becoming asphalt sculptures.

18. I resolve to laugh at myself more and others less. Life is actually freaking hilarious.

19. I resolve not to use the word "f*ck" just to sound "cool," unless of course, it makes my friends laugh.

20. I resolve to quit dogging on myself to gain attention. I resolve to quit dogging on others to get attention. I may just get a dog instead.

21. In 2011, I will put my foot down. I look stupid trying to stand this way.

22. I resolve to evolve with life's changes. I will refrain from voting for Obama in 2012 based on performance, not ignorant stigma.

23. I will stand by my friends, my family, my man/woman, my children,...and all those who've earned my love and trust. No exception.

24. I will wear work out gear, not a track suit.

25. I will find a way to make sure cauliflower and sauerkraut are removed from every menu.

26. I resolve to pull my own weight on the team/committee. I realize I cannot expect credit if I don't show up. I will refrain from being a "boil on the butt of humanity" in general.

27. I will quit "frontin'" and start being who I really am - all the time. A name is only a name.

28. I resolve to be a role model for children and will refrain from naming my own child something stupid or based upon a horrible, teen vampire series.

29. I will consult a manual at least once before assuming something is completely broken.

30. I will have fun and will refrain from being an ass-hat from this day forward.
This, I swear to you.

Happy New Year, friends!

"I just came here to kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're all outta beer."

In the cult classic, Dazed and Confused, there's a crucial scene where Adam Goldberg's nerdy character, Mike, offends a party-goer named Clint by commenting about the "reefer" smell at the Moon Tower party. Clint, likely too buzzed and likely a rendition of a typical ego-driven bad boy, takes Mike's off-handed comment and responds by confronting him and attempting to initiate a fight. Before things get out of hand, Clint makes the remark that I've used for the title of today's blog.

If you're like me, Dazed and Confused is a film you had to see back in high school and you can remember hundreds of funny lines and several awkward scenes like this one. For Mike, this scene leaves him a state of unprepared shock. A goody-goody and scholastic achiever, Mike (so it seems) has never been confronted by someone threatening verbal or physical abuse and his initial response is to apologize, cower away, and let the tension pass. However, for those who remember the film, Mike doesn't handle the embarrassment of being confronted for long and later plots to start his own fight with Clint.

My point? To talk about the awkward, aggressive moment. You know the ones; the moments when you've unintentionally made someone angry and you're ill-prepared to respond to abusive comments or the threat of a physical fight. If you're the Clint type, well then, you may want to gloss over this entry.

Most of us want to avoid confrontation if at all possible. The thought of someone kicking our asses or having to defend ourselves against a verbal assault is enough to make us tell every white lie in history to avoid a "scene," especially in public.

Yesterday, I upset a man who wanted to use the computer service in my office. He knew he wasn't allowed to use the service and had been lying each time he came in in order to do so. Having been caught, he was angry that I had told him "No." At this point, the man towered over me screaming, "I ain't gonna have no woman telling me what to do! I do what I want to do! And I'm gonna come back and do something about this!"
In the moment, I felt my blood turn hot, felt my face flush, and got that tingle under my skin that warns: "You're in a situation. Time to choose your response."
My knee-jerk response would have been: "You know what, a-hole? That's just fine! That's just fine that you don't want a woman telling you what to do and so if that's the case, get your drunk, ugly ass out of my office because right now, the woman is running the place!"
(I would have my fists clenched up too.)
BUT! The response that came out was, "I'm sorry you feel that way, sir. Please come back when you have satisfied your requirements for use of the computer lab."

Talk about anti-climatic. Meanwhile, I'm left with the stress of unused anger, the blood still boiling, the teeth grinding, the face screwed up in a perpetual smirk that reads "I cannot believe that guy F-ed with me."
That guy? He left with the comfort of having spoken his piece - anger left like glass shattered all over my office floor. More crap to step in during the day.

How many times do we choke on our own rage and initial response to defend and protect ourselves? How often do you fall on your own sword to protect those around you or for the sake of being composed, professional, polite? I liken the unspent frustration to having a profound case of gastrointestinal woe.

It sucks. When I was 21, I went to a Muncie Wal-Mart (gasp!) to buy some booze with a friend. Back then, we were high on the fact that we were of age and if we could get Icehouse or Keystone or Dark Eyes at Wal-Mart, that was fine by us. Upon leaving the store, I saw a woman dragging her toddler daughter by the hair and screaming obscenities. The little girl was sobbing and struggling and this cow of a woman was just beating the tar out of her in the parking lot.
(Note - this WAS Wal-Mart after all!)

My gut got the best of me in this situation. I passed our bags to my friend and went charging after this woman, incensed and driven by a mission to protect someone smaller, more innocent than myself. Screaming, "You better let go of her! Pick on someone your own size!" I got within feet of this woman who turned to me, fist raised, and ready to hit the next person who got in her way. "I know the difference between discipline and beating!" I shouted, "And if you want to beat on someone, go on and try beating up on me!"

Poor little girl, she took one look at my stupid college girl outfit and flabbity arms and made a face as if to say "Girl, you're not going to win this thing. You've made it worse."

The woman charged at me and in the moment, the 'flight' response kicked in. I grabbed for my cell phone threatening to dial 911. I knew just then that this woman a) out-sized me by about 50-100 pounds and b) wasn't afraid of doing damage to me. My dialing the phone stopped her. The passersby stopped her. And the crisis was averted.

Again, a missed chance to tangle with someone, but at least we were both alive and relatively unharmed. Again, a waste of rage.

At a concert not long ago, an angry audience member shoved me out of her way, both hands on my shoulders. She was mad because I was taking photos of the band and in the front row. To make matters worse, she was delusioned into thinking I was the new lead singer's girlfriend. (Not true, but I challenge anyone to talk sense into a clinically crazy person.)
As she shoved me, I felt this was the PERFECT opportunity for a brawl. I haven't been in a fight since I was ten. Here was my chance.

And I backed away. My friend stepped in and checked the situation by telling Ms. Crazy Pants just where she could take her crazy self. The loon was hauled off by her buddies shortly after.

What's my point? I'm not a violent person. I have a long history of missed chances to go to the floor with people who are mean to me; people who are abusive; people who are just plain crazy. There are those of us who fight and those of us who don't, I guess.
But my patience with backing down for the sake of composure has worn thin I think. I came into this world and was raised in this world to be kind to everyone. I still believe in that and I still live by that.

But I also came into this party for the beer and it looks like we're running out of beer.
:)

On Midwestern Winters...

If you're currently living in the "Bible Belt," you've just now come to grips with the sneaky F-U Mother Nature pulled this year. Tricked into getting comfy with the 50 degree "heat," most of us have been blindly, maybe smugly, trucking along in light jackets all the way through November. The turkey month was just long enough for many of us to forget the big reason residents evacuate to the coasts: WINTER.

Don't get me wrong, we're not ignorant of the fact that winters here are terrible, terrible meaning icky, icy, blechy, and depression-inducing. They are rarely catastrophic and they are rarely so problematic that survival is difficult. However, Midwestern winters are typically lengthy (think late October/early November through March+) and are peppered with periods of sleet, solid ice, large mountains of snow, the coldest rain this side of Canada, and possibly the most infuriating traffic issues known to man.

The last of these is that the Midwest is always somehow surprised by the first winter blast. Salt trucks are often late out of the gate and are ill-equipped to handle the large number of roads. If you live in the country or a smaller neighborhood, forget it, you're snow bound for awhile. City management simply doesn't have enough coin in the coffer to be proactive and if not for the private snow plowers, many of us would be screwed.

The first few days of winter are also a traffic nightmare because drivers simply weren't ready for the hit. This year, it was worse given that three extra weeks of cool, even-tempered bliss. The first snowflake brings most of the Fort Wayne area drivers to a screeching halt. Pumping the brakes at 20 mph, more accidents in those first few hours are caused by the over-cautious rather than the stupid.

The morning commute is enough to test Ghandi's level of patience. Mind you, only one or two school buses are on the road because most systems shut down at the sight of black ice anymore, banking on a fistful of snow days reserved by the state. Drivers crawl from street to street, leaving safe space between one another while braking a mile ahead of schedule for each turn. Inevitably, some rager will finally lose his/her piece behind the wheel and 'make a break for it,' revving up to the speed limit and passing. This guy/gal usually ends up in a ditch further down the road while the rest of creep by wagging fingers and pretending that if knew how to slow down on the icy road, we'd actually stop and help them out.
You can hear 911 sirens between 7 am and 10 am and 4 pm and 6 pm daily. Guess what? The speed limit guy and the 20 mph under person wrecked. Shocker.
The rest of us just added two additional hours to our work day. *snarl*

If you work for a school or have kids in school or heck, are still in school, you typically spend between 5:30 am and 7:30 am, making frequent stops in front of the TV, hands clasped, praying for a delay or a cancellation. This dance adds more minutes to your day and as it gets closer and closer to "go time," the angrier you get when you realize your school system is on time. Expletives and shouts of "Don't they know how bad it is out there!" reverberate against the walls as you now rush to get your car defrosted in time to at least manage to get to work/school only fifteen minutes late.
As you drive, you're usually hoping for the radio to announce your cancellation, but alas, you're now at school and it's time to start your day. Mind you, your 8 hour day is now advanced to 12 given the lead time you need to drive. Congratulations! You're a 'workaholic.'

If you work at a school or attend school, the entire day will be spent either a) fielding angry phone calls from parents and students who "CANNOT BELIEVE you didn't cancel," or b) commiserating with fellow students about the long, treacherous commute you have that evening.

Meanwhile, your K-12 pals are adding an hour of sleep to their day and contemplating pancakes and eggs over a PopTarts today. Dammit.

What's amazing is how cyclical this is. We ALL do this! We all get outraged when our work/school doesn't delay or cancel and we all white-knuckle it to work and back every day, cursing other drivers and this middle finger they call Iowa through Ohio. We drive like paper assholes and bitch and moan while we try to ramp up the driveway once a plow has heaped snow and ice in front of the driveway. (To ramp it or not to ramp it? The answer is usually NOT if you value your exhaust system AT ALL.)

And winter is ALL anyone around here can talk about too. Every other Facebook status is "Winter, GRRR" or "FU WINTER!" or "Commuting to work was an eternal suck," etc. The office is littered with conversation of "Is it okay if I'm a few minutes late due to the roads?" or "You won't believe how LONG it took me to get here!" You can actually read the thoughts on employees faces - "How many sick days do I have left?"

I won't lie. I do all of this too. Maybe not the sick days part, but I find myself wondering just how early you can leave the house and still be thirty minutes late and it still be okay? This time of year is the only time (mind you it's half the calendar year) that I go from road raging lunatic behind the wheel to a driver akin to an 90 year-old, cataract patient. This morning, I actually talked myself into wearing my snow boots ALL day at the office - no small feat for a girl who prides herself on nice shoes. And yes, I cursed out loud when my back passenger window REFUSED to roll back up once down. (That'll teach me to take the shortcut when getting the snow off the windows. Only a snow brush works without damaging the car.)

And I guess what I lament most about the winter is that it's not nearly as fun anymore. Being an adult has changed what snow is for me. The only time that I feel snow is a blessing and not a burden are the weekends when I may WANT to make a snowman or shovel the drive to burn calories. But ask me to drive in it? No thank you. The weekend is when I can get excited about mittens and hot chocolate and sledding and skiing and all those cool things that winter is supposed to mean to people.

Winter forces us all indoors - to the dry, hot air that ruins our pores and frizzes our hair. Unless you can afford all the designer trends, for comfort you're relegated to giant sweaters and hoodies and hats and we all walk around like proverbial marshmallows.
(Which isn't so bad actually.)
Winter is when you have about thirty blankets on your bed because it's just so damn expensive to pay for heat here. (Don't be fooled: apartment people and homeowners alike spend similarly on heat.)
Winter is when we test our driving chops and designated drivers are at a premium. Winter is when a cold blast can cut you down to the bone and leave you shaking like a crazy person, while you pump gas or go out to see if your pipes indeed, have frozen.

We all think we'll be prepared when it gets here, but it doesn't really happen.
This year, I hope to enjoy winter. As I ramble, I hope that I find the beauty in it and quit seeing it like some giant, icy-fingered monster that always sucks the motivation from my soul.
(Think Chinese takeout, M&Ms, and hours of movies)
This year, I hope to look forward to ice skating and not have stress for hours about driving to work in the morning.
This year, I hope winter is over in February.
EARLY.

And you know, maybe it will. After all, we had Fall through November.
:)

Drive safely, friends.
Happy Winter.

The MM Guide to Surviving the Holidays

It's November, two days before Thanksgiving, and already the local radio stations are playing nonstop Christmas tunes. Each year, it seems the trees, the lights, the music, the window displays - they all come out a bit earlier than the year before. Sooner or later, we'll just start dumping leftover Halloween candy into stockings. Might as well, right?

That said, I love the holiday season. To a point. Thanksgiving is no exception. I get a little miffed each year when we seem, as an American society, to gloss over what I feel is an important celebration. (No, it has nothing to do with my birthday being often the same day.) I like the season of giving thanks and giving presents and good cheer to others. It just makes me feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy inside.

However, the holidays are also a time of sadness and depression for some people. For most, the holidays are chocked full of stress too. There are family members to entertain; parties to host or attend; church functions (if you're the type); lots of shopping to do; etc. It's enough to make the average person just...stall. The following are my tips for surviving the holidays in good form. They are not only for you, but for me as well. Fa la la la la la la...

1. Shop early. No, I don't mean in June or July, but that's awesome if you think that far in advance. Waiting until December 15th or later is just going to stress you out and a lot of the good stuff is picked over. The best part of giving gifts to people you care about is putting thought and feeling behind it. I just don't think you can do that at the 11th hour while trying to choose between a drugstore perfume or a fruitcake. Sorry.

2. Avoid Black Friday like the plague. Hello sheep! This is our way of getting you to spend MORE MONEY on CRAP you DON'T NEED! Getting pneumonia while waiting in line at 3 AM for a Tickle-Me-Elmo is dumb dumb dumb. If it's about toys, remember this...your kids (depending on age) will be more likely to make a big deal about what YOU make a big deal about. It's often cooler to NOT be doing what everyone else is doing. Think about that saying "If everyone jumped off a bridge..." You can't tell me that the only way to get a good deal on a Wii is spending the night outside of Target Thanksgiving eve. Balderdash!

Black Friday is when people cram shoulder-to-shoulder into stores, grabbity-grabbing their way through tons of toys, electronics, clothes, and all sorts of other gifts. All those people + confined spaces + stress + time limits = STINKY STINKY STINKY. I can't even fathom the amount of germs and the stench from people hustling and bustling like mad people. I suppose I could liken it to the Vera Bradley Sale which is the only other place in the world (aside from a prison) where I've witnessed women coming to fisticuffs over something as silly as a patterned bag.

3. Give from the heart. Choose your gifts with thoughtfulness and fun in mind. Don't expect gifts. Make someone's day by getting them what you think they really really want. Don't skimp. That doesn't mean spend a lot of money - that means dedicating a little time, creativity, and good cheer to the assignment. Don't just give gifts to give gifts.

4. Be careful when re-gifting! Make damn sure that necklace you're giving to Aunt so-and-so isn't the same one Aunt so-and-so gave you last year. AWKWARD.
It's better to not re-gift really. Donate unwanted gifts or take them back to the store. You really can only re-gift certain items like candles, unused lotions, etc. without being a real jerk.

5. Show appreciation. I don't care who you are, if you open a gift from someone, act happy about it. Be nice. Be appreciative. So what if it's not what you were hoping for or if it's really ugly. That person gave you something when he/she didn't have to - to make you smile. Tossing it aside and gunning for the next present is selfish and rude. Spend time saying 'thank you' and watching others open their gifts. It's not all about you, ya know.

6. Decorate tastefully. Nothing says stupid like dumb decorations. Less is more. Mind you, if your yard is a winter wonderland and your family loves it, you can afford the bill, and it's in the spirit of happiness and good cheer, go for it. Just know some people are laughing at your lack of taste. If you don't care, that's awesome. You're Chevy Chase and I applaud you. Seriously. :) When it comes to decorating, a few things, but this is my opinion only - white lights are cool. Red lights send the wrong message. Blue lights are tricky. Black lights says you're having a rager, not celebrating the Santa. Multicolor lights are okay, but only if they're the really old, super retro ones. Candles are terrific. Wreaths are tasteful. Blow-up figurines...not my style, but it may be yours. White trees, en vogue. Green trees, wonderfully traditional. Fake or real? You decide. A Charlie Brown tree is ALWAYS a good idea too. :)

7. Sing a little. Break out the Nat King Cole or any other hit list to celebrate the seasons. There's nothing wrong with singing out of tune one time a year if it makes you happy.

8. Watch your favorite films. If you don't like A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, or A Christmas Story, then I don't get you. If you don't like A Charlie Brown Christmas, wow. Amazing. But think about your traditions when it comes to music and movies. Go see a show. Buy a leg lamp and get down with being corny for a month or two. It's refreshing.

9. Cook. Oh my gosh, cook. If you aren't good at it, try. It's fun. Make cookies, candy, dinners, whatever. It's fun. Cooking a little will make you appreciate what you're eating a lot more and you'll consume less.

10. Don't be offensive at work. If you're wearing jingle bells, you should probably take them off. Holiday colors are okay. An occasional Christmas earring or hat is considered passable. But! Don't get caught like Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones' Diary - wearing a reindeer jumper like a fool. Save it for an Ugly Sweater party or for Christmas Day with your family. They probably got it for you. :)

11. Be festive. In the Midwest, we tend to regularly be stand-offish and jerky in general. Take a cue from our friends to the south and be warm and giving during this time at least. Say "hello" to strangers; be nice to clerks in stores; say 'please' and 'thank you'; hold the door for someone; let the old ladies cross the road before you turn; etc. You never know, the spirit just may hold over until February at least. If someone lets you in front of them in a long line of traffic, wave thank you. If someone drops a gift card, pick it up and hand it to them. Smile a lot. You'll be surprised at how many people a) talk to you or b) smile back at least.

12. Think about your year. Really think about it. What happened? What did you learn? This is not a time to have regrets, but to grow. Think about your loved ones and the experiences you've had with them. Think about the coming year and the hopes and fears you have. Think about funny times and sad times and crazy times and tough times and reflect on how those experiences have helped to compose the you that you are at the end of 2010. Think about your relationships. Think about your career. Think about your sense of ethics and spirituality. Think about love, hope, patience, sadness, joy, fear, pain, kindness...the whole gamut. I mean my God, how often do we really take a moment and really just...THINK.
Pour another cup of hot chocolate or coffee, sit down by yourself, and do some soul-searching. If you can be outside, that's even better.
Appreciate your life for what it is, what it's taught you, and where it's going to lead.

Happy Holidays.
:)

Wake up call: It's okay to love somebody.

The MM blog is often an outlet for venting and observations of what is flawed in life. I'm switching gears today to bring you what I consider a positive message.

I've been thinking a lot about "love" lately and what that genuinely means. Sure, we use the term every day sometimes when we refer to places, foods, things...but how often do we really, really mean it? Love's kind of a big deal, a real term that carries some 'ooomph' in it and lately, I've observed many people throw it around like it's the equivalent to "like."
It's not.

When I was really young, think pre-teens, my father always scolded me for using the word "hate." In response to a fight with my best friend, I'd shout "I HATE her!" Upon hearing this, my dad would jump on me saying sternly "You don't hate anyone." I used to resent that comment. My knee-jerk response was to say "Oh yes, yes I do HATE her," but upon thinking a moment, did I really? Hate? I equated the term "hate" after some thought, with torture and unspoken nastiness and in real life, did I really wish those things on my friend? Well, no. The truth was, I didn't mean it. Years later, I still rarely use the word hate, especially when referring to people. The truth is, I don't hate anyone. Still. Now, ask me about cauliflower, I may respond differently. (Yuk! I don't mind living in a universe without cauliflower.)


It's the same thing with Love. There are varying degrees of love, true, but this word, like hate, packs a punch. It is designed to be used for those people and things that you genuinely, truly care deeply about, be it family, a lover, a friend, a pet,...you name it.

I know some people who use the word "love" like they do Kleenex. "Ooooh, I looooovveeeee you!" can often be heard in a crowded bar, women throwing this phrase on their girlfriends and acquaintances in a scenario where even the non-drunks are supposed to reply with an "I loooooovveeeee you too!" (insert booty shaking, arm flailing, and hugging) Others spout "I love you" as a closer to conversations with their family or significant other in the same tone as they said "Hello." I've heard people swoon with "love" over Coach bags, a meal, presents, etc. Hmmm...

For me, Love's kind of a big deal. I confess, there were years when I took the word for granted; however, I've seen the phrase "I love xxxxx" taken for granted so many times, it suddenly seems to deserve a place of respect in my own life. I've had this conversation several times with my boyfriend. We tend to agree on the use of the word, Love. (This is incredibly helpful, I might add.) Neither of us ever want to casually use that three-word phrase. I never want to say it and not mean it. I have to say, I love that man. In a society where it's en vogue to hide feelings and put up a wall against all things intimate, I confess I'm head-over-heels, in love with my boyfriend. He's a wonderful guy and to me, is worthy of the specifically-used phrase.

What does that mean? It means it's okay to love somebody - to love them in a run-out-in-front-of-a-bus-for-them kind of way. It means wanting that person to be a better person, even if it's not always going to put you first too. It means wanting that person's contentment and success, individually as well as within the confines of your relationship. This applies to friends and family too. It's okay to genuinely, openly, charismatically love someone. Loving someone means putting down a guard and letting yourself be the real you. Loving someone means making yourself vulnerable, making a conscious effort every day to love and be the real 'you' every day so you can love the real them. It's not easy.

But to me, that's what love is. Loving someone is being open about that in front of others, saying it, but more importantly, doing it. Showing it. Even when you're at your ugliest and most insensitive, it means leaving zero doubt that you care for those people who genuinely have a spot in your heart. Loving someone means having the balls to tell them off if you have to, if it's what's needed to move forward. It means showing yourself, in all its phases, to those you truly care about.

It is not the same as loving a meal. It's not the same as loving your new nail polish. It's not even the same when you say it to people just to be friendly. Love means being real.
It means showing up, showing it, and digging in for the betterment of that relationship.

I have to admit, I have a real problem with loving. After years of failed friendships, failed relationships, and at times, serious betrayal, there's a part of me that still needs to work on trust, to work on being open about how I feel about people. It's sometimes difficult to know if I love someone. But I do. I can count on ten fingers the people I genuinely love and I'm pretty sure they all know who they are. I wake up every day thinking about them and how I can show them how important they are to me. (Cheesy, maybe, but true, yes.) I spend at least one moment (often more) thinking about these people and who they are becoming, where they're going, and how I can be a part of that journey and contribute. Some of these people are children, others are adults. I'd take a punch or jab for them any day.

Everyone else? I like them. I have to accept that there's only so much room for me to love, but that doesn't mean I don't care about or like everyone else. I do. Very much. But I'd be a jerk for saying "I love you." It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me. I will tell you though, I care about more people than you can imagine. Love, well, it's just different for me.

Love doesn't equate to my obsession with peanut M&Ms and favorite boots. Love isn't the same as really enjoying someone's company or experiencing a good grade. Love, it's a helluva lot deeper, more intimate, more entangled, and frankly, requires more responsibility than that.



Think about it the next time you quickly respond with "I love xxxxx" or "I lurrrrvee you" in a bar. Do you MEAN it?! Do you love that person enough to sacrifice, compromise, be real with,...enough to be openly, entirely you with for the sake of burring deeper in a relationship of friendship, romance, family? If not, shut up. You don't love them. You like them. You care about them. You wanna be friends with them. You respect them. You admire them. You kinda sorta woulda coulda wanna have a coffee with them sometime, maybe sorta. But you don't LOVE them.

Stop using it. It's liberating. Save the word for those you don't want to be without. And back that up with being a better person for those you love. The saying goes that you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. There's a lot of truth here.

Confession: I have hard time loving myself. (Ouch, that hurts.) It's taken me years to get to place where I like myself enough, and finally love myself enough to really, truly put myself out there. And you know what? My relationships are stronger for it. I'm not perfect (see previous blog), but I'm thousands, millions, of miles away from the me I was. I think a lot of women especially have a hard time loving themselves first. Take a time out and think about why you should and can love yourself.
(I know, this is verging on smarmy, but you get my point.)

Until you can respect and love yourself, with all your baggage, all your worries, all your idiosyncrasies, you're never going to mean "I love you" the way you should. And that means actively putting yourself in front of the mirror and accepting that you look like you. That means not beating yourself up for saying something weird or falling down in some literal or metaphorical way. It means acceptance and making room to let others in.

And it's really really really tough. But it's worth it. I don't have even half the answers when it comes to relationships, but after years of heartache, I know the above is true. It's the only thing that can work. It means putting yourself, your own love, first, so you can be a better partner, friend, family member, parents, etc to others.


It's only then you can truly feel what you're saying.
And that's a beautiful thing.

Trust me.