A Woman's Guide to Divorce: The Basics

This blog may become a short series. To preface what I'm about to write, I have to say that I've been inspired to revisit the topic of divorce having gone through a December in which many of my friends were either marrying or divorcing. Whether I like it or not, observing the fall-outs and new connections brings back my own memories. Call this a purge. Call this reasonable advice. Call it what you want, just call it honest.

A Woman's Guide to Divorce (the first of perhaps several other posts)

I first and foremost promise not to assume the man's perspective on divorce. A) I'm not a man. B) I cannot explain the male perspective and C) All notes regarding male behavior in divorces comes strictly from my own observation, reading, or the presumptions gleaned from friends and family.

When a woman becomes engaged and plans her wedding, she doesn't intend to prepare herself for a divorce. Sure, couples break up, but that only happens to boyfriends and girlfriends, right? Unfortunately, many women become entirely wrapped up in "wedding" and not "marriage," only to wake up one morning, married, next to a man she hasn't had a complete discussion with since she said "Yes."

I've watched many women obsess over rings, over caterers, dresses, shoes, bridesmaids, flowers, honeymoon packages, and all things wedding-fabulous only to notice that rarely does a potential wife ever mention the word wedding in the context of "we" or the event in the context of "future" or "marriage." They're too busy planning their hair style or weight loss regimen.

It's easy to do. We've grown up playing dress up, Mash, and falling in and out of love with celebrities on the cover of Teen Beat magazine. We're trained for this. This is why weddings are awesome events most of the time. We are also trained to believe that men don't care much for weddings, their part is over with picking the ring, if we even let them do that.

Now I know I'm generalizing a lot here, but take this for what I mean: many women come to the alter full-on prepared for the wedding, but completely unprepared for the marriage. Sure, we know that after this, the fun starts with our entrance at the party, but then what? Oh right, honeymoon. But after all the blissful beginnings, in two to three weeks, we have to begin...REAL LIFE. Real life WITH A MAN.

If you lived with your boyfriend for awhile, you may be a bit more prepared for day-to-day life together; however, nothing prepares you for marriage, not really. It's just different. It's learning and growing with another person. It's getting down and dirty with all things emotional, spiritual, and physical. And you're going to disagree. A lot. You're even going to fight with one another. You're going to piss each other off and you're going have opposing viewpoints on silly things like when to go to bed, whether or not the butter stays out or in the fridge, whether or not you want the basic or extended cable service package, etc. You're going to disagree about money, sex, friends, and work.

At the wedding, on YOUR BIG DAY, a lot of this just doesn't register. Sure, you've fought before, but you're in LOVE with each other. From this day forward, it's romance city.

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sleeping Beauty, marriage is tough. That's why the divorce rate in the U.S. is so high. Marriage is a commitment that our self-absorbed, media seduced, me-centric personalities have difficulty dealing with. It takes compassion, endurance, and good old fashioned hard work. It also takes a leap of faith that things will work out until one or both of you are dead. It takes enduring through the seduction of Facebook; it takes weathering the fights, the pregnancies, the 'tough times'; it takes also takes knowing when to bail.

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but like all things beautiful, the price is sometimes pain. Some pain is normal. A lot of pain is not. And some marriages have shelf lives. Each relationship we have allows us to grow and evolve individually. These unions move us forward, often make us stronger, better people. Some married people need to split to keep moving forward. It's not the Devil at work here; it's human nature.
It's growth.

Ladies, I know I sound like a turncoat here. But marriage isn't always going to be 'til death do you part.' For everyone I know, I wish the best of all things romantic, but I also want everyone I know to grow, learn, and become more beautiful be it through marriage or divorce.

Here's my personal take on things...

Not so long ago, I was planning a wedding. I remember being excited to be asked to be someone's wife. My fiance was a nice guy and we got along pretty well. We bought a house. We got engaged. We did the living in sin thing for a year just to make sure we wanted to be "in this for good."

My wedding day was beautiful. It still ranks up there in my "top days of my life list." My honeymoon was terrific. Sure, we had a few things go awry in all the wedding hoopla, but nothing major. We forgot to put out the celebratory cocktail napkins at the reception and I suppose that could have been a red flag, but at the time, it didn't seem quite so bad to bring home 500 napkins for our own, personal use.

Looking back, I probably should have done a lot more thinking prior to our wedding day. Maybe I should have evaluated how we would spend our money together or fought back a little when I felt I was being taken advantage of. Perhaps I should have listened to my mom prior to walking down the aisle, who said, "You don't have to do this if you don't want to." (This is 100% true. I'll never forget it.)

But I loved this guy and we were, you know, happy and upon returning from our honeymoon, we kicked off "real life."
And women are often ill-prepared for this. It feels like the romance of your relationship has suddenly waned. It's not all about kissing and hugging in public and dammit if thank you notes aren't a huge pain in the ass. They say the first year is the hardest. I think it's the second. Suddenly, it hurts when he doesn't want to cuddle or you find out he's got more girl friends than guy friends calling and emailing. Later it feels weird when it's a peck on the cheek and you're not French kissing like lovers anymore. Suddenly, his bad habits feel like a big deal.

I'm sure for men, it is similar. Women aren't perfect. We try, but we're not at all close to perfect.

It's in those first few years that couples have an opportunity to work things through, establish "house norms" and get to know each other in those ways you missed prior to the wedding. You're embarking on new territory and you're discussing things like 401 Ks and children and related things. In my marriage, we committed the biggest mistake.
We didn't Communicate.
We got along for the sake of getting along - perpetually trying to forgive each other for grievances to avoid having to duke it out. In the end, we were faking it. We didn't know each other at all. I didn't know my husband back then didn't really want children. We had talked about it, but neither of us had been all that honest.

Back then, I cared more about him than I did about myself. We both did. It ruined everything.

It was nobody's fault; we both had good intentions. We both wanted a marriage that worked, but we wanted it to be easy, smooth, without disruption and without too many disputes. The truth is, life isn't that way.
Marriage isn't that way.
For us hopeless romantics, it's a pretty severe reality especially when you're coming down from that honeymoon high.

The couples who have it right know it's work from the get go. Those are the ones who last, or maybe last longer.

I was a divorcee by 27. I'm still embarrassed by it, to be honest. My divorce was an amicable one, if you count letting your ex have his way on everything. My divorce also left me a shred of my former emotional self. It left me vacant, exposed, and completely vulnerable. It also gave me a new lease on life. It left me pissed off, sad, excited, empowered, and broke.
It made me a walking, talking time bomb.
It made me a menace at the bar.
It made me hungry for love.
It made me hungry for a real fight.
I was madder than hell and happy as hell. All at once.

Now add your period to that and you've got me, at 25% of the month.
*Scary*

Ladies, divorce, no matter how you slice it, is tough goings. It hurts. Regardless of how friendly or nasty your split is, it still rocks your emotional core. Even if you were the primary bread winner or success in the relationship, you're still left drained of the plans and expectations you had. It's loss.
It's a death.
Seriously.

And when facing a divorce or the aftermath of divorce, I've learned the following things through my last three years. I thought I'd share them with you...maybe they'll help you. Maybe they'll just piss you off, but believe me, being a woman is hard. Being a divorcee is harder.
But it doesn't have to be the end of your identity or your life...

1. Your ex may be a real bastard. He may be the epitome of 'sucks at life' (not in my case though), but hate him in private. Tell your lawyer, tell a good friend, but blasting everyone you know with your open loathing for him makes not only him look bad, but you look worse.

2. Protect and love your children. They are innocent. They didn't break you up. They also don't understand. Talk compassionately with them, support them, and make wise decisions about what you say and do around them. Live like a parent all the time. Even in divorce, in most cases, you're still co-parenting. You have to work together on that for life.

3. Get your balls out. When bargaining and negotiating the terms of your settlement, be honest, fair, and stand up for what is rightfully yours. Let petty things go. Go balls-to-the-wall on the stuff that matters. Get a GOOD lawyer if it's needed.

4. Don't become a ho. Being single again is not a free pass for Herpes. Sure, you want to be loved and admired and complimented, but shacking up with every bar-guy is a terrible idea. Go on dates. Meet people. Do that when you're ready. No one wants you unloading baggage all over the table on a blind date. Be yourself. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you're ready to hit the sack with anyone. Me? Oh yeah, I always ended up boo-hooing on some poor ass-hat or blocking calls from people I stupidly gave my number to. Be smart when going out to meet people.

5. Give yourself time to grieve.

6. Do things differently. Approach your new life with vigor and open-mindedness. You never know...things JUST may work out. Time is the key term.

7. DO NOT stalk, trash talk, harass, or be a general asshole to your ex. Sure, he probably deserves it, but again, some actions are illegal and others just waste time you could spend developing a better you. Don't make shit up and don't harass and hate on those your ex is close to during this time. You're mad. Everyone gets it. You should be, but don't compromise your integrity for a few lousy digs.

8. Communicate with your family and friends. Tell your story to those who will support you and help you. Be fair. Be honest. But don't go dumping your problems on anyone who will listen. Revenge in divorce only makes everyone lose.

9. Do NOT use your children as a way to punish your ex. That is incredibly unfair. To THEM.
Remember, you are a still a role model, even if you're single.

10. Cry. Get mad. Have a tantrum. It's okay to do so.

11. Dive into new things. Develop your interests.

12. Work Out. Trust me. It helps.

13. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I wish I had gotten a dollar for every time I called someone to help me with my car, my apartment, etc.

14. Realize you're not alone. Try not resent happy couples. Just because you're no longer married, doesn't mean it won't happen for you too.

15. Understand that love, commitment, trust, and honesty are never going to quite feel the same, but this doesn't have to be a bad thing. It could lead to better things.

16. Don't become a bitch just because Life has thrown you a heinous curve ball. Pity, whining, and poor behavior will last only so long with people. Remember, you don't have to stop loving people.

17. Talk. A counselor is a good idea. Find a good one. Objectiveness in your situation can shed new light on why you're in this situation.

18. Be super cautious when dating. (see next blog)

19. It is okay to miss him. It is okay to still love him. It won't necessarily change things, but you can't feasibly expect yourself to not love your ex instantaneously just because you're divorcing. Don't hate yourself or feel weak because you can remember when things were good. (see grieving)

20. Roll with the punches. Life is going to be good. It hurts now, but that will change with the time that works for you. You have to learn to love yourself before you can really give yourself over to marriage and love. This is a good time to start loving yourself, the real you, the one who wasn't quite ready this time.

My divorce wasn't ugly. It wasn't mean-spirited or hateful. My ex and I just realized that we were destined to be friends and not lovers. We had different ideas about how the world should work. We had differing opinions on how we both should conduct our lives and our life together. We both lacked the guts to talk to each other openly. We didn't care enough when we really should. We made very superficial things more important than us.
It happens.
A lot.
Even here in the Bible Belt.

And ladies, divorce sucks. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, but it doesn't have to be the end of you. This doesn't mean there isn't a man or woman out there for you. It's just not your time yet. Your ex taught you something, even if he is a douche bag, and your relationship has broken down, broken you down, so you can regroup and rebuild. And be stronger. Time is the hardest part. Note that anytime you try to speed things up or do them quickly, the more slowly they will go. It's for a reason.

You may feel broken by divorce and you may feel your identity as 50% slipping away, but this only means that you're working toward 100% of a 200% coupledom someday. When you got married, you didn't know it wouldn't be forever. I didn't know either.

But I wouldn't change where I've been or how far I've come for the world.
My divorce changed me forever and in truth, it taught me to love.
The real way.

This is your chance. Take it.

Going through a divorce doesn't mean marriage is over for you for good. It simply means the bad marriage is over. If it's your destiny, a happier, healthier relationship will be an integral part of your future. I believe this. It's taken me three years to get this far. And I still believe in happy endings.

Cheers.