Post Script: A Little Proof of How Not Perfect I AM

For your enjoyment:

I pick at my fingernails despite paying handsomely to have them done every two weeks.

I own both an N'Sync and Backstreet Boys CD and I'm not ashamed of it.

I've been known to tailgate other drivers - every day.

I grind my teeth.

I get jealous sometimes, but always refuse to admit it.

Compliments literally throw me mentally off-guard.

I Can't. Do. Math.

I have a horrible movie-viewing history and you'd laugh at the classics I've missed.

I combat a fear of form-fitting clothes, daily, even though they look better than baggy ones.

I can't bring myself to leave the house with wet hair.

Did I mention I tailgate?

I've been known to rap - to bad, bad hip-hop songs.
(bad = uncool, literal description BAD)

My face sometimes gets me into trouble. ;)

I've been known to make up my own words and get angry when corrected.

I put Jiff peanut butter in the fridge.

I can't handle mess and disorder very well. Neat-freak is a good depiction.

I have an unhealthy relationship with The Office reruns.

I haven't owned a dress that wasn't black in years.

I refuse to eat cauliflower, cashews, cooked broccoli, sauerkraut, or caviar.

There are others, but this will get me started.
And frankly, these make me laugh a little. :)

I Am Not Perfect...Believe Me, I've Tried.

For nearly a year now, I've discussed what it means to be a 30 year-old woman living in in the Midwest. You know, just trying to "make it" or whatever that is supposed to mean for someone like me. That said, I'm fast approaching the beginning of my 31st year on earth and if life here has taught me anything, ANYTHING,...

It's that I am definitely, certifiably, obviously, card-carryingly NOT.PERFECT.
(See the photo at the top of this blog entry again if you need more proof.)

It's ironic though, because over the past 30 years I've been operating under the irrational and fantastic assumption that I could be, with just a little more elbow grease, perfect. Well, perfect to someone - family, friends, coworkers, students, acquaintances,...you get the point.
(Note - this is not a blog about how I've attempted to become Christ-like or God-like. I'm batsh*t crazy sometimes, but I'm not insane.) :)

And what I've learned, in trying in all ways to be somehow perfect (in work, in school, in relationships, in friendships, in duties, responsibilities...) is that I inevitably come up short. Trying to do the RIGHT thing all the time most definitely and at times, inexplicably, leads to the WRONG thing.
Ah Irony,...you remind me of Alanis Morrisette.

In trying to be perfect to everyone and in everything, you wind up being some shadow of your real self, leaving a lot of room for people to pour opinions in, but very little room for original, creative thought. It's true what they say - try to keep everyone happy, you end up miserable. Every time.
And it always, always fails.

What does a perfectionist fear the most? FAILURE.
(Not the band, the actual, literal act and experience of failure.)

I've been spending the last 30 years wondering how in the world I've come up short in various areas of my life. Sure, I have great relationships and wonderful opportunities, but at the same time, every time the bar is reached, I push it up just a little further out of reach. Yeah, the laundry DID get done before bedtime, but had I done it just a few hours earlier...I wouldn't have had to leave the clothes in the dryer over night - OUT! WRINKLES!

Or, "Thank you for saying I'm pretty, but I can't possibly pretty with this giant boil on my nose..." There it is, the good thing to which I would respond with "well, there could be this better thing..."

And frankly, it's stupid. This is a little confessional time for me, I suppose. And as I write this, I'm trying in vain to rectify my thought process too. Sometimes, it's okay to not like something. Sometimes, it's okay to get mad. Sometimes, it just might be acceptable to say NO.

You get the point yet?
If not, a word of caution - trying to obtain perfection (or rather perfection in keeping a peaceful existence) ironically leads to lying. Ever hear that one line about the woman in fat pants? You get it the picture.
You can't make everyone happy and be honest at the same time. It's damn near impossible. The world isn't perfect. The people in it aren't perfect. So where do I get off trying to obtain some semblance of harmony?
I'm an artist at heart dammit, I should find beauty in the ugly. Right?

I look ahead at another 30 years of life and I think to myself, is it really going to take this long to finally accept all the errors and faux pas and the time I walked into an office with my zipper down or the time I wrote that one email that made that one person mad or the time I flipped that other driver the bird...and on and on and on. I find that I dwell on every slip up, every mistake, until it eats me up. It drives me crazy and thus the spiral begins again.

Somehow, I need to learn that people will at times make me angry and there will be times when people simply do not like me despite my best efforts. There will be times when people make fun of me or tell me things I don't want to hear and I have to accept that they expect me to do the same. (Well maybe they do, I like to think it'd be reciprocal.)

I need to accept a little last-minute chaos into my life. What do all aspiring perfectionists want? CONTROL.
We're a little power-hungry. I'll admit it. (See, I'm growing up a little.)

Perfectionists not only strive to do everything right the first time (Ever see me try to drive a manual vehicle or watch me try to chip the ball onto the green?), but we also spend an awful lot of time agonizing over and attempting to right any wrongs we've committed.
Formula for failure 1: Doing the bad thing.
Formula for failure 2: Trying to correct bad thing with halfhearted pleas for forgiveness and/or excessive contact.
Formula for failure 3: Expecting a positive response
Formula for failure 4: Retaliating for lack of quick response with additional bad thing.

And so it goes.

In 30 years I've wasted a lot of time that I could have spent developing creative outlets and doing fun activities (THINK OF ALL THE ACTIVITIES!) by worrying and obsessing over what I haven't done right in the past. I've spent a lot of time holding on to wrongs I can't right and I've spent a lot of time inwardly holding other people to my own, irrational standards. (Note - bar is always, will always be...too HIGH).

And I'm not entirely certain, as I look ahead, how NOT to keep moving in this direction. What I do know is this: what I've done before, doesn't work. It doesn't equate to contentment or personal enrichment. It doesn't lead to confidence (though A's are always nice) and it doesn't lead to better, stronger relationships. It just leaves me wanting to move faster, higher, and better than before. And what good is that movement if you don't know where you're going?
And how the hell is it even important if you can't enjoy the journey?

But I'm going to try.
And the first step, at least in this moment, is to learn to LAUGH AT MYSELF.
Because dammit, I'm pretty freaking hilarious.
At least, today. :)

How Facebook Brings Out the Worst in People

I have to admit, I'm an avid Facebook user. I leave myself logged in nearly all day, every day, just in case I want to check it and not be bothered to log in again. I like being able to access my friends, family, and random people I met once in a random place should I feel moved to do so. I like using Facebook to find old high school and college friends - see how their lives have changed, how they've changed - and it prevents me from being obligated to go to the reunions. :) I love to look at photos I'd otherwise never see and see posts that sometimes make me think (political, religious, etc). I like to use the chat function and catch up with people I never see or at times wouldn't feel like I could just call out of the blue. Facebook, in a way, opens conversations up a bit further, linking people who may feel their relationships were somewhat lost due to distance, time, space, etc.

But Facebook also brings out what I perceive as the very worst in people. I've mentioned eDrama in previous blogs, but this isn't exactly what I'm referring to. I've highlighted what I feel are some of the worst Facebook offenses for your reading pleasure. Maybe you agree or disagree - but I'll tell you this, I'm reminded once and awhile of how easily Facebook use can wreak havoc on people and bring out the narcissist or asshole in people. And the worst are those who are oblivious to how their Facebooking makes them look. You can call me a hypocrite for this blog, but I admit my own Facebook foibles and understand that I'm not entirely exempt...

1. Look at me! Look at me!
Facebook is a vehicle for the oblivious narcissist. Photos are one of the ways in which people can show their "better selves." Avatars are typically ones that make the user looks his/her sexiest or most attractive. Never mind that the pic is five years old (or sometimes 20+) or taken at angle in which those extra forty face pounds don't show. I am guilty of this one. My avatar is three years old. I like it. It still looks like me, but probably pushes the line.

Avatars often feature the user with what he/she is most proud of - a significant other (if he/she isn't ugly); kids; musical instruments; cars; and the like. Rather than saying openly "LOOK WHAT I HAVE" you can just click on a few photos. Albums allow you to see the construction of his/her new home, classic car, etc. Accomplishments (from babies' first barf to graduation) are here too. Notice how it's rare to see an avatar featuring a new pimple or bad hair day.

2. Facebook determines social status.
I wish I had a dollar for every time Facebook statuses and/or de-friendings gave me anxiety or stress. Seriously! I hate to admit this, but now that Facebook exists, it's somewhat of a lunch room 'dis' if you aren't friended by those you are expected to be friends with. I've had my profile deleted from people's pages and thought "Shit, what did I ever do to them?" when in actuality, in REAL LIFE, it means NOTHING. Sure, it may reflect some ill will or festering anger, but in the two cases I checked out, it was neither. We had simply lost touch. (*see Pen Pals circa the age of pen/paper/letters/etc) We start to agonize about phantom offenses we may have committed and/or worry that we're the ones doing the offending simply because we don't want to have 5,678 friends that aren't really friends at all.

3. Friends = Fiction.
Dana has 539 Friends. YEAH, RIGHT.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I do have friends, but do I have 539 really good friends? No way. Not many people get that close to me as it is and I can count on one hand how many people I'd share my deepest thoughts with and three of those are my other personalities. ;) But Facebook has become this cyber popularity contest (see #2) and the more 'friends,' the more 'status.' Hmmmm. My profile should read: Dana has 539 people she can spy on if she so chooses. That'd be more accurate, I think.
:)
I think out of those 539, I realistically look at about 20 pages. I tend to look at profiles that somewhat 'say something' as opposed to "Junior took a big dump after lunch today. Guess I'm not feeding him peas for awhile." *Shudder.

4. Facebook makes people feel inadequate.
I'm throwing this in here. I can't figure out how to make shapes yet. I want very badly to add a heart in my posts, but I can't seem to figure it out. This is what I view as a hierarchy of power emerging, Facebook! Dammit!
:)
For the time being, I'm stuck with smilies.
My most recent accomplishment was finding the way to use Italics in chat messages. Big whoo.

5. Facebook makes you VULNERABLE. Okay, let's be clear. People are assholes. The world isn't always a nice place. Facebook allows more people to spy on you, check you out, learn your whereabouts, whether or not you hate your boss, or whether or not you do or don't like Justin Bieber and Twilight (PS: if you do like those two things - we may not be friends already). Yes, your boss may be able to view your profile. Your views and Info page leave you open for criticism of your world view, religious view, and personal ethics code. Your posts and links show people another piece of you that is open for judgment. The more condescending, selfish, or stupid your posts, the more vulnerable you become. Facebook, after all, is a reflection of you, the person, or at least, that's the design. I think a lot of people forget that part.
Do you really want everyone to know that when you took the "How do you Smell" quiz, that you're 95% Sulfer Fart and 5% Milk Fart? Come on!
STUPID.

6. Facebook gets in the way. Countless articles are emerging and talk show hosts are making a killing on couples and friendships whose lives have been destroyed by Facebook posts (Kevin is now SINGLE; Relationship Status: It's Complicated) and the fact that one's spouse can't put the damn laptop down long enough for five minutes of...well you get the point.

Farmville. Yoville. Mafia Wars.
This is a whole new level of nuts, if you ask me. Not only are we on the Interwebs, we're playing a virtual Monopoly that seems to never end. I will not join your mafia and do not want your drinks, ribbons, flare, coupons, or hearts. This is just one more way for me to step back from reality and be someone I'm not.
Besides, I don't want to build a barn or grown watermelons.

Facebook becomes a way to spy on your partner, to misinterpret things. Couples question friend requests and emails and chats. Photos pop up everywhere, people tagged before they know it (Josh has tagged a photo of you throwing up at the bar). Facebook relationships are scrutinized and anxiety builds in friendships, marriages, relationships. It's insane. There's some validity to it. If your partner has a laptop between his/her legs more than you are, well...I suppose that's a little extreme and crass, but you get the picture. Reality should trump Facebook every time. I think.

7. Facebook is a way for people to get their digs in.
Don't like satanists? Don't like abortion? Don't like gays? Don't like conservatives? Post your thoughts online for everyone to see! Be mean! Be without care! Speak your mind! It's FACEBOOK!

Yeah, it's FACEBOOK.
Feelings are feelings and maturity is still maturity.
Think before you post. It may save you some time/space/energy in the long run.

I'm not saying you have to be totally politically correct (haters gonna hate), but you may want to apply some discretion. You know, like before you write Joanna likes strippers and silly straws. *Post photo here* Betcha you're not gonna get a lot appropriate responses to this. I've made my own share of FB faux pas not realizing I had set myself up. The deliberate ones are worse. And really, how many times do we have to read sociopolitical garbage about Obama, Bush, mosques, the war, Christians, blah blah blah...SHUT UP. When did your OPINIONS become so damn important!? Have you written a book? Are you a scholar? Consider it...

8. Facebook is for the self-righteous. Number 7 is the beginning of a rant. Facebook has become a platform for prayer and holier-than-thou politicking that I just.can't.stand.

Pray for Bob's kidney stones. Rest in Peace Jonathan Brandis. Bible scripture. Green Peace scripture. BP oil spill items. Help the hungry. Support the war. Don't support the war. Some of these 'like' pages and posts are just a gun short of a threat. "Like God or face damnation." Yikes.
I wonder if God has a Facebook...click click click...


Wow. I can add God's page as an interest on my page. Whoa. Facebook is now spiritually problematic.

9. Facebook replaces genuine contact. Invitations, messages, chats,...none of this is taking place in person where we can read facial expressions and body language. Born of this are countless misunderstandings and confusions (What do you mean we broke up? & I didn't really mean to "EAT GRANDMA" when I wrote that...etc...)
In short, we've lost a lot of valuable social skills and the ones we have are quickly deteriorating because we've made it very easy to connect and disconnect without doing a whole hell of a lot work.

I do like Facebook, but I worry about my dependency on it and the dependency of others. It's become too personal and impersonal all at once. I find myself blessing and cursing knowing everything, all the time, as it happens.

Dear Facebook Team,

Facebook as a way of Life.
DISLIKE.

Love,
Dana