Fun for the New Year

Happy 2011!

It's common for individuals to jot down personal goals and resolutions for the new year five minutes after the ball drops; however, despite having my own list of "to-dos," I thought I'd write down resolutions I'd happily hand over to other people. That is, if they wanted my opinion on the matter. (*winks*)

I call this "New Year Resolutions for Ass-Hats."
Enjoy, friends. If you find yourself in this spirited list, I apologize. Kind of.


1. When shopping, I resolve to put down my phone/hang up/stop text messaging/etc. while completing a transaction with the store clerk in front of me. I realize that in 2010, I was rude.
I know the drive-thru at the pharmacy and the bank count too.

2. I will discontinue trying to become my boyfriend. Trying on his clothes is one thing. Trying on his entire personality is another thing entirely. I am not a man. At least not now. I resolve to remember my vagina.

3. I will cease to drive at speeds lower than the posted speed limit in 2011. I realize how much it pains others trying to adhere to the posted speed limit. I will pull over and let people pass if I'm nervous, scared, or can't see more than fifty feet ahead. I will buy a booster seat or phone book to sit on if I can't see and will quit talking on my cell phone while driving if I don't have a hands-free, Blue Tooth apparatus.

4. I resolve to stop holding petty offenses over other people's heads and let the minor infraction go. After all, angst and resentment causes acne and it doesn't matter who can beat up whom in the end even if I know I'm right. It's just going to piss me off later if they have clearer skin than I do.

5. I will refrain from regurgitating everything I read in a book to all of my friends. I will pay more attention to reading comprehension and then initiate topics in social situations rather that blatantly state what someone else thinks as my own opinion. I apologize for plagiarizing in the past.

6. I resolve to abstain from trying to be trendy or hip by deliberately "going against the grain" on everything. I will purchase organic foods and listen to Kings of Leon only if I genuinely enjoy them. I will learn more about diversity and how easily a trend can develop.

7. I will find a way to stop the frequency of the Sarah McLachlan adopt-a-pet commercials while finding a way to earn more money to save abused animals. I realize the volume, music, and unnecessarily lengthy spots are hurting others emotionally, paralyzing them and preventing more donations.

8. I will quit being an ass-clown and/or a heinous vengeful b*tch on social networking sites. Effective now. Blocking and hiding content doesn't make it any less true - doesn't make it any less true that I'm an ass-clown/heinous vengeful b*tch that is.

9. I resolve not to be tardy when I can seriously help it. It causes panic and undue stress to others in my life.

10. I will accept my vices and try to fix the things I can. I will be an adult in 2011 with the spirit of a child at the times when it's appropriate.

11. I will live a little.

12. I will not - I will NOT - wear jeggings. No matter what.

13. I resolve to understand that my purse, my shoes, and earrings are accessories. Just that. Not implements for Midwestern "cool." I will understand that having paid $320 for a handbag is peanuts compared to New York City and I will quit flaunting unless I got a bargain bag from the trunk of a car in Queens.

14. I will reciprocate with my friends. I love them. They love me. I owe it to them to be a strong, committed, and responsible person. I owe that to myself too.

15. I resolve not to let my children talk me into McDonald's more than once a week. Lawsuit or not, I'm the parent. I'm the example. I am responsible for being enough in control to ensure they become strong, happy, and healthy adults.

16. I resolve to not equate difference to being "Liberal."

17. I will park in my own damn driveway to prevent children and basketballs from becoming asphalt sculptures.

18. I resolve to laugh at myself more and others less. Life is actually freaking hilarious.

19. I resolve not to use the word "f*ck" just to sound "cool," unless of course, it makes my friends laugh.

20. I resolve to quit dogging on myself to gain attention. I resolve to quit dogging on others to get attention. I may just get a dog instead.

21. In 2011, I will put my foot down. I look stupid trying to stand this way.

22. I resolve to evolve with life's changes. I will refrain from voting for Obama in 2012 based on performance, not ignorant stigma.

23. I will stand by my friends, my family, my man/woman, my children,...and all those who've earned my love and trust. No exception.

24. I will wear work out gear, not a track suit.

25. I will find a way to make sure cauliflower and sauerkraut are removed from every menu.

26. I resolve to pull my own weight on the team/committee. I realize I cannot expect credit if I don't show up. I will refrain from being a "boil on the butt of humanity" in general.

27. I will quit "frontin'" and start being who I really am - all the time. A name is only a name.

28. I resolve to be a role model for children and will refrain from naming my own child something stupid or based upon a horrible, teen vampire series.

29. I will consult a manual at least once before assuming something is completely broken.

30. I will have fun and will refrain from being an ass-hat from this day forward.
This, I swear to you.

Happy New Year, friends!