The MM Guide to Surviving the Holidays

It's November, two days before Thanksgiving, and already the local radio stations are playing nonstop Christmas tunes. Each year, it seems the trees, the lights, the music, the window displays - they all come out a bit earlier than the year before. Sooner or later, we'll just start dumping leftover Halloween candy into stockings. Might as well, right?

That said, I love the holiday season. To a point. Thanksgiving is no exception. I get a little miffed each year when we seem, as an American society, to gloss over what I feel is an important celebration. (No, it has nothing to do with my birthday being often the same day.) I like the season of giving thanks and giving presents and good cheer to others. It just makes me feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy inside.

However, the holidays are also a time of sadness and depression for some people. For most, the holidays are chocked full of stress too. There are family members to entertain; parties to host or attend; church functions (if you're the type); lots of shopping to do; etc. It's enough to make the average person just...stall. The following are my tips for surviving the holidays in good form. They are not only for you, but for me as well. Fa la la la la la la...

1. Shop early. No, I don't mean in June or July, but that's awesome if you think that far in advance. Waiting until December 15th or later is just going to stress you out and a lot of the good stuff is picked over. The best part of giving gifts to people you care about is putting thought and feeling behind it. I just don't think you can do that at the 11th hour while trying to choose between a drugstore perfume or a fruitcake. Sorry.

2. Avoid Black Friday like the plague. Hello sheep! This is our way of getting you to spend MORE MONEY on CRAP you DON'T NEED! Getting pneumonia while waiting in line at 3 AM for a Tickle-Me-Elmo is dumb dumb dumb. If it's about toys, remember this...your kids (depending on age) will be more likely to make a big deal about what YOU make a big deal about. It's often cooler to NOT be doing what everyone else is doing. Think about that saying "If everyone jumped off a bridge..." You can't tell me that the only way to get a good deal on a Wii is spending the night outside of Target Thanksgiving eve. Balderdash!

Black Friday is when people cram shoulder-to-shoulder into stores, grabbity-grabbing their way through tons of toys, electronics, clothes, and all sorts of other gifts. All those people + confined spaces + stress + time limits = STINKY STINKY STINKY. I can't even fathom the amount of germs and the stench from people hustling and bustling like mad people. I suppose I could liken it to the Vera Bradley Sale which is the only other place in the world (aside from a prison) where I've witnessed women coming to fisticuffs over something as silly as a patterned bag.

3. Give from the heart. Choose your gifts with thoughtfulness and fun in mind. Don't expect gifts. Make someone's day by getting them what you think they really really want. Don't skimp. That doesn't mean spend a lot of money - that means dedicating a little time, creativity, and good cheer to the assignment. Don't just give gifts to give gifts.

4. Be careful when re-gifting! Make damn sure that necklace you're giving to Aunt so-and-so isn't the same one Aunt so-and-so gave you last year. AWKWARD.
It's better to not re-gift really. Donate unwanted gifts or take them back to the store. You really can only re-gift certain items like candles, unused lotions, etc. without being a real jerk.

5. Show appreciation. I don't care who you are, if you open a gift from someone, act happy about it. Be nice. Be appreciative. So what if it's not what you were hoping for or if it's really ugly. That person gave you something when he/she didn't have to - to make you smile. Tossing it aside and gunning for the next present is selfish and rude. Spend time saying 'thank you' and watching others open their gifts. It's not all about you, ya know.

6. Decorate tastefully. Nothing says stupid like dumb decorations. Less is more. Mind you, if your yard is a winter wonderland and your family loves it, you can afford the bill, and it's in the spirit of happiness and good cheer, go for it. Just know some people are laughing at your lack of taste. If you don't care, that's awesome. You're Chevy Chase and I applaud you. Seriously. :) When it comes to decorating, a few things, but this is my opinion only - white lights are cool. Red lights send the wrong message. Blue lights are tricky. Black lights says you're having a rager, not celebrating the Santa. Multicolor lights are okay, but only if they're the really old, super retro ones. Candles are terrific. Wreaths are tasteful. Blow-up figurines...not my style, but it may be yours. White trees, en vogue. Green trees, wonderfully traditional. Fake or real? You decide. A Charlie Brown tree is ALWAYS a good idea too. :)

7. Sing a little. Break out the Nat King Cole or any other hit list to celebrate the seasons. There's nothing wrong with singing out of tune one time a year if it makes you happy.

8. Watch your favorite films. If you don't like A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, or A Christmas Story, then I don't get you. If you don't like A Charlie Brown Christmas, wow. Amazing. But think about your traditions when it comes to music and movies. Go see a show. Buy a leg lamp and get down with being corny for a month or two. It's refreshing.

9. Cook. Oh my gosh, cook. If you aren't good at it, try. It's fun. Make cookies, candy, dinners, whatever. It's fun. Cooking a little will make you appreciate what you're eating a lot more and you'll consume less.

10. Don't be offensive at work. If you're wearing jingle bells, you should probably take them off. Holiday colors are okay. An occasional Christmas earring or hat is considered passable. But! Don't get caught like Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones' Diary - wearing a reindeer jumper like a fool. Save it for an Ugly Sweater party or for Christmas Day with your family. They probably got it for you. :)

11. Be festive. In the Midwest, we tend to regularly be stand-offish and jerky in general. Take a cue from our friends to the south and be warm and giving during this time at least. Say "hello" to strangers; be nice to clerks in stores; say 'please' and 'thank you'; hold the door for someone; let the old ladies cross the road before you turn; etc. You never know, the spirit just may hold over until February at least. If someone lets you in front of them in a long line of traffic, wave thank you. If someone drops a gift card, pick it up and hand it to them. Smile a lot. You'll be surprised at how many people a) talk to you or b) smile back at least.

12. Think about your year. Really think about it. What happened? What did you learn? This is not a time to have regrets, but to grow. Think about your loved ones and the experiences you've had with them. Think about the coming year and the hopes and fears you have. Think about funny times and sad times and crazy times and tough times and reflect on how those experiences have helped to compose the you that you are at the end of 2010. Think about your relationships. Think about your career. Think about your sense of ethics and spirituality. Think about love, hope, patience, sadness, joy, fear, pain, kindness...the whole gamut. I mean my God, how often do we really take a moment and really just...THINK.
Pour another cup of hot chocolate or coffee, sit down by yourself, and do some soul-searching. If you can be outside, that's even better.
Appreciate your life for what it is, what it's taught you, and where it's going to lead.

Happy Holidays.
:)

Wake up call: It's okay to love somebody.

The MM blog is often an outlet for venting and observations of what is flawed in life. I'm switching gears today to bring you what I consider a positive message.

I've been thinking a lot about "love" lately and what that genuinely means. Sure, we use the term every day sometimes when we refer to places, foods, things...but how often do we really, really mean it? Love's kind of a big deal, a real term that carries some 'ooomph' in it and lately, I've observed many people throw it around like it's the equivalent to "like."
It's not.

When I was really young, think pre-teens, my father always scolded me for using the word "hate." In response to a fight with my best friend, I'd shout "I HATE her!" Upon hearing this, my dad would jump on me saying sternly "You don't hate anyone." I used to resent that comment. My knee-jerk response was to say "Oh yes, yes I do HATE her," but upon thinking a moment, did I really? Hate? I equated the term "hate" after some thought, with torture and unspoken nastiness and in real life, did I really wish those things on my friend? Well, no. The truth was, I didn't mean it. Years later, I still rarely use the word hate, especially when referring to people. The truth is, I don't hate anyone. Still. Now, ask me about cauliflower, I may respond differently. (Yuk! I don't mind living in a universe without cauliflower.)


It's the same thing with Love. There are varying degrees of love, true, but this word, like hate, packs a punch. It is designed to be used for those people and things that you genuinely, truly care deeply about, be it family, a lover, a friend, a pet,...you name it.

I know some people who use the word "love" like they do Kleenex. "Ooooh, I looooovveeeee you!" can often be heard in a crowded bar, women throwing this phrase on their girlfriends and acquaintances in a scenario where even the non-drunks are supposed to reply with an "I loooooovveeeee you too!" (insert booty shaking, arm flailing, and hugging) Others spout "I love you" as a closer to conversations with their family or significant other in the same tone as they said "Hello." I've heard people swoon with "love" over Coach bags, a meal, presents, etc. Hmmm...

For me, Love's kind of a big deal. I confess, there were years when I took the word for granted; however, I've seen the phrase "I love xxxxx" taken for granted so many times, it suddenly seems to deserve a place of respect in my own life. I've had this conversation several times with my boyfriend. We tend to agree on the use of the word, Love. (This is incredibly helpful, I might add.) Neither of us ever want to casually use that three-word phrase. I never want to say it and not mean it. I have to say, I love that man. In a society where it's en vogue to hide feelings and put up a wall against all things intimate, I confess I'm head-over-heels, in love with my boyfriend. He's a wonderful guy and to me, is worthy of the specifically-used phrase.

What does that mean? It means it's okay to love somebody - to love them in a run-out-in-front-of-a-bus-for-them kind of way. It means wanting that person to be a better person, even if it's not always going to put you first too. It means wanting that person's contentment and success, individually as well as within the confines of your relationship. This applies to friends and family too. It's okay to genuinely, openly, charismatically love someone. Loving someone means putting down a guard and letting yourself be the real you. Loving someone means making yourself vulnerable, making a conscious effort every day to love and be the real 'you' every day so you can love the real them. It's not easy.

But to me, that's what love is. Loving someone is being open about that in front of others, saying it, but more importantly, doing it. Showing it. Even when you're at your ugliest and most insensitive, it means leaving zero doubt that you care for those people who genuinely have a spot in your heart. Loving someone means having the balls to tell them off if you have to, if it's what's needed to move forward. It means showing yourself, in all its phases, to those you truly care about.

It is not the same as loving a meal. It's not the same as loving your new nail polish. It's not even the same when you say it to people just to be friendly. Love means being real.
It means showing up, showing it, and digging in for the betterment of that relationship.

I have to admit, I have a real problem with loving. After years of failed friendships, failed relationships, and at times, serious betrayal, there's a part of me that still needs to work on trust, to work on being open about how I feel about people. It's sometimes difficult to know if I love someone. But I do. I can count on ten fingers the people I genuinely love and I'm pretty sure they all know who they are. I wake up every day thinking about them and how I can show them how important they are to me. (Cheesy, maybe, but true, yes.) I spend at least one moment (often more) thinking about these people and who they are becoming, where they're going, and how I can be a part of that journey and contribute. Some of these people are children, others are adults. I'd take a punch or jab for them any day.

Everyone else? I like them. I have to accept that there's only so much room for me to love, but that doesn't mean I don't care about or like everyone else. I do. Very much. But I'd be a jerk for saying "I love you." It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me. I will tell you though, I care about more people than you can imagine. Love, well, it's just different for me.

Love doesn't equate to my obsession with peanut M&Ms and favorite boots. Love isn't the same as really enjoying someone's company or experiencing a good grade. Love, it's a helluva lot deeper, more intimate, more entangled, and frankly, requires more responsibility than that.



Think about it the next time you quickly respond with "I love xxxxx" or "I lurrrrvee you" in a bar. Do you MEAN it?! Do you love that person enough to sacrifice, compromise, be real with,...enough to be openly, entirely you with for the sake of burring deeper in a relationship of friendship, romance, family? If not, shut up. You don't love them. You like them. You care about them. You wanna be friends with them. You respect them. You admire them. You kinda sorta woulda coulda wanna have a coffee with them sometime, maybe sorta. But you don't LOVE them.

Stop using it. It's liberating. Save the word for those you don't want to be without. And back that up with being a better person for those you love. The saying goes that you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. There's a lot of truth here.

Confession: I have hard time loving myself. (Ouch, that hurts.) It's taken me years to get to place where I like myself enough, and finally love myself enough to really, truly put myself out there. And you know what? My relationships are stronger for it. I'm not perfect (see previous blog), but I'm thousands, millions, of miles away from the me I was. I think a lot of women especially have a hard time loving themselves first. Take a time out and think about why you should and can love yourself.
(I know, this is verging on smarmy, but you get my point.)

Until you can respect and love yourself, with all your baggage, all your worries, all your idiosyncrasies, you're never going to mean "I love you" the way you should. And that means actively putting yourself in front of the mirror and accepting that you look like you. That means not beating yourself up for saying something weird or falling down in some literal or metaphorical way. It means acceptance and making room to let others in.

And it's really really really tough. But it's worth it. I don't have even half the answers when it comes to relationships, but after years of heartache, I know the above is true. It's the only thing that can work. It means putting yourself, your own love, first, so you can be a better partner, friend, family member, parents, etc to others.


It's only then you can truly feel what you're saying.
And that's a beautiful thing.

Trust me.

Irrational Fears...For real guys, this is serious.

I'll be brief, but having just unintentionally swallowed a tangerine seed, I thought I'd dedicate this blog to my most irrational fears...Enjoy.

1. Swallowing seeds. It must have been that story they told us as kids about the watermelon that was going to grow in your tummy if you swallowed the seeds rather than spit them out. I kept worrying about that until I realized that some of my friends were just pregnant. :)

2. Semi tractor-trailers. These monsters jack-knife and load-shift. How is that NOT terrifying. I'll just hammer the accelerator until I'm safely out of your jurisdiction semi-driver. Besides, you're only going 60 mph anyway.

3. Eating chewing gum. Again, childhood stories. I still sometimes think about the floor of my stomach resembling the blacktop at Carlin Park Elementary. It was pretty gummy.
Eeeew.

4. Getting poor grades. I have no other excuse than that I'm a bonafide NERD.

5. The dryer blowing up. You know this one...the one about the lint trap? Despite cleaning it regularly, I always wonder if that thing's gonna catch fire while I'm somewhere else in the house. This is compounded when I find a lighter in a pocket or a wad of unused Kleenex.

6. Showing up in a public place without a shirt or pants. There have been times that I've double checked. :) Usually I've just forgotten about a curler in my hair though. It gets so windy here that sometimes I seriously feel like something's missing.

7. Weird noises. Creepy, spooky, gross, you name it...I'm usually startled by it. I know a few people that like to startle me on purpose. It's usually a good time. For them. :) I'm just shy of clinically deaf, so anything loud enough to shock me, well there ya go.

8. Being walked in on in a public bathroom stall. THIS IS TERRIFYING. About a year ago, a drunk woman barged into a stall while I was using it. She made some stupid comments. Ever since, I not only bolt the door, but put anything else I can against it in hopes of thwarting anyone's attempt to get in. Talk about embarrassing and well, awkward!

9. Falling in the shower while home alone. 1) It's gonna hurt. 2) One of our cats may find me first and neither can communicate. 3) No clothes. No makeup. No nothing. Just me in a crumpled heap and my brand of shampoo exposed the world.

10. Any food past its expiration date. I'm sorry, but I won't even open the milk if it's past the due date. I don't know if I'm more afraid of stomach poisoning or the smell.

Happy Monday!

There are Two Types of Women...and Other Bull

There are two types of women who live in the Midwest: the ones who are mothers and the ones who aren't. Mind you, I'm making a sweeping generalization here, but hang on, I'm going somewhere with this.
(I realize that all individuals are unique - all women are unique unto themselves - etc.)

However, for the purpose of this blog, let's set it up in a Haves Vs. Have-Nots fashion. K?
K.

Think of the two types of women on a spectrum, the full-fledged, stay-at-home mommies at one end and the women who elect to not have children for various reasons (work, school, personal preference) at the other. I have to preface this spectrum with this: difference is a good thing. This is a spectrum, not a great than/less than equation. Trust me, I'm not that good with math.

Anyway, in between exists a diverse pool of young women who either do or don't have children, again for various reasons. Here lies the women who want children, but are physically incapable of doing so. In between are the women who had children and gave them up for adoption. In between are the women who are simply not ready yet or haven't made their decision whether or not to have children. In between are all the step-moms and pseudo-step-mom-girlfriends who have children, but not biological children. In between are the women who had abortions and the women who lost children in childbirth or in miscarriages. There's a lot of in between to consider.

My point? I find that all too often I land myself in conversations that seem to polarize women in the have/have not fashion. Mind you, it's not easy in the moment to consider all possible reasons for why a woman does or doesn't have children, but at the same time, it's all too easy to latch on to assumptions or conclusions drawn exclusively by the presence or non-presence of children.

We all have social and familial roles. Children or the lack thereof are only one facet of that existence, ladies. Remember that. I honor and respect mothers who throw themselves on the proverbial sword daily for the sake of their children. It's what they signed up to do. I respect women who conclusively know that they are bound for a childless life and have come to terms with that fact. Some may relish it. I respect that decision or situation. To both kinds of ladies, you're decided. Bravo.

What I don't and cannot respect is the crass, often unfounded judgment that women pass from one to another based solely on whether or not another woman has or doesn't have children. I lost count of the times mothers have used the following phrases with me: "You don't understand this because you're not a mom" or "Must be nice to have all that free time" or "You'd understand if you had a family..." *Shudder* I have to tell you, and here's my emotional side breaking through, I tear up a little every single time a mother tells me that.

They don't mean anything nasty by it. But it still stings. Every time.
I am acutely aware that I'm nearly 31 years-old and have never given birth. I've never been pregnant. I've never raised a child. I once had a woman I interviewed tell me over the phone "You have no clue what family-sized rooms are. You don't even have a family!" (Writers' note: That woman worked for DeKalb Memorial Hospital and she's a b*tch.)

On the other hand, I'm sure there are women who feel equally judged because they are mothers. Likely they loathe and resent the image of "soccer mom" or "housewife" and what that means. Though I will say, that "Housewives of..." franchise is really booming. It's pretty en vogue to be a mom these days. :)
(In the 80s, it was cool to be a business woman. Think Nine-to-Five style.)

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish more women would consider the spectrum rather than too easily round off comments that indicate that a woman without a child CHOSE that path or that a woman with a child CHOSE that path. I wish we could communicate with one another a bit more specifically and consider what else we CAN do in addition to being mothers. Moms and non-moms should be able to communicate about what they have in common, not sound off reasons why they are different all the time.

Think about this the next time you see a woman wearing a suit and heading for work. She could be a mom. She could be someone who hates children (NO!) or someone who has been trying for years to adopt and cannot. Next time you see a woman pushing an over-sized stroller in the mall, think about what else she may do. She may also have a career or a passion for the arts, science, etc. She may be a student. She may be someone's everything.

Think about the stereotypes and misconceptions about both kinds of women and all of those women in between before you open your big fat yapper. (I jest a little, but you get my point.) We all have goals and priorities and we all (I hope) have the potential to love and be loved. We all experience pain and anguish and we all have inherent motherhood/nurturing gene somewhere though it may not manifest in literal motherhood.

Think about this a little bit more please.
I suppose this could become a platform for being more compassionate in general, but in my experience, women hold each other to unfathomable standards and much of it is unnecessary and can be cruel.
Think a bit more each time you can't hang out with your friend because she's been busy with a sick child. Or think a bit more about a woman who can't meet up with you because her schedule jam packed with work commitments and school. It's not personal. It just is. We're all different and yet, we're the same.
We have more in common with one another than just our ovaries. (Crap, some of us lack ovaries, but you get it.)

And I realize how easy it is to summarize ourselves in terms of our children or our work. That's not something we should gloss over either, but remember, when you're quick to write a woman off because she didn't attend your baby shower or when you're quick to write off a woman who can't meet for drinks because her sitter fell through, take a moment and reflect on what you and that lady have in common. What brought you two into each others universe to begin with? You know and respect each other for something, right?
(If the answer is no, the relationship with that woman is officially a waste of time. Lack of respect for someone will destroy the possible camaraderie anyway.)

Me? I have friends who have children and friends who do not. I love and care about each of my friends for various reasons. I respect and admire the way my friends care for their children. (If they were a-hole parents, we wouldn't be friends.) And I respect my friends who don't have children. And frankly, each of those individuals do not have children for very specific reasons. Just like me.

You may be asking yourself if I want my own children? I get this question all the time. The truth is, I don't always know. Some days, I see how wonderful the relationships are between my mother-friends and their children and I envy that bond. Other days, I realize I am thankful that I didn't have a child too soon or because of a previous relationship. Some days, I don't think about it.

So is there any answer? Sure, it'd be great to be someone's mom. I'm just not sure what that means for me yet. I look elsewhere for answers in due time.

In the meantime, ladies, let's celebrate our differences rather than persecute each other for them. And let's envy each other a little less, okay?
The grass isn't always greener as they say.

That said, did I ever mention that I love to babysit?
Let's not forget those sporadic childcare providers!

Hee hee.

Ladies, I think you get it.
Let's put it in practice.