Irrational Fears...For real guys, this is serious.

I'll be brief, but having just unintentionally swallowed a tangerine seed, I thought I'd dedicate this blog to my most irrational fears...Enjoy.

1. Swallowing seeds. It must have been that story they told us as kids about the watermelon that was going to grow in your tummy if you swallowed the seeds rather than spit them out. I kept worrying about that until I realized that some of my friends were just pregnant. :)

2. Semi tractor-trailers. These monsters jack-knife and load-shift. How is that NOT terrifying. I'll just hammer the accelerator until I'm safely out of your jurisdiction semi-driver. Besides, you're only going 60 mph anyway.

3. Eating chewing gum. Again, childhood stories. I still sometimes think about the floor of my stomach resembling the blacktop at Carlin Park Elementary. It was pretty gummy.
Eeeew.

4. Getting poor grades. I have no other excuse than that I'm a bonafide NERD.

5. The dryer blowing up. You know this one...the one about the lint trap? Despite cleaning it regularly, I always wonder if that thing's gonna catch fire while I'm somewhere else in the house. This is compounded when I find a lighter in a pocket or a wad of unused Kleenex.

6. Showing up in a public place without a shirt or pants. There have been times that I've double checked. :) Usually I've just forgotten about a curler in my hair though. It gets so windy here that sometimes I seriously feel like something's missing.

7. Weird noises. Creepy, spooky, gross, you name it...I'm usually startled by it. I know a few people that like to startle me on purpose. It's usually a good time. For them. :) I'm just shy of clinically deaf, so anything loud enough to shock me, well there ya go.

8. Being walked in on in a public bathroom stall. THIS IS TERRIFYING. About a year ago, a drunk woman barged into a stall while I was using it. She made some stupid comments. Ever since, I not only bolt the door, but put anything else I can against it in hopes of thwarting anyone's attempt to get in. Talk about embarrassing and well, awkward!

9. Falling in the shower while home alone. 1) It's gonna hurt. 2) One of our cats may find me first and neither can communicate. 3) No clothes. No makeup. No nothing. Just me in a crumpled heap and my brand of shampoo exposed the world.

10. Any food past its expiration date. I'm sorry, but I won't even open the milk if it's past the due date. I don't know if I'm more afraid of stomach poisoning or the smell.

Happy Monday!

There are Two Types of Women...and Other Bull

There are two types of women who live in the Midwest: the ones who are mothers and the ones who aren't. Mind you, I'm making a sweeping generalization here, but hang on, I'm going somewhere with this.
(I realize that all individuals are unique - all women are unique unto themselves - etc.)

However, for the purpose of this blog, let's set it up in a Haves Vs. Have-Nots fashion. K?
K.

Think of the two types of women on a spectrum, the full-fledged, stay-at-home mommies at one end and the women who elect to not have children for various reasons (work, school, personal preference) at the other. I have to preface this spectrum with this: difference is a good thing. This is a spectrum, not a great than/less than equation. Trust me, I'm not that good with math.

Anyway, in between exists a diverse pool of young women who either do or don't have children, again for various reasons. Here lies the women who want children, but are physically incapable of doing so. In between are the women who had children and gave them up for adoption. In between are the women who are simply not ready yet or haven't made their decision whether or not to have children. In between are all the step-moms and pseudo-step-mom-girlfriends who have children, but not biological children. In between are the women who had abortions and the women who lost children in childbirth or in miscarriages. There's a lot of in between to consider.

My point? I find that all too often I land myself in conversations that seem to polarize women in the have/have not fashion. Mind you, it's not easy in the moment to consider all possible reasons for why a woman does or doesn't have children, but at the same time, it's all too easy to latch on to assumptions or conclusions drawn exclusively by the presence or non-presence of children.

We all have social and familial roles. Children or the lack thereof are only one facet of that existence, ladies. Remember that. I honor and respect mothers who throw themselves on the proverbial sword daily for the sake of their children. It's what they signed up to do. I respect women who conclusively know that they are bound for a childless life and have come to terms with that fact. Some may relish it. I respect that decision or situation. To both kinds of ladies, you're decided. Bravo.

What I don't and cannot respect is the crass, often unfounded judgment that women pass from one to another based solely on whether or not another woman has or doesn't have children. I lost count of the times mothers have used the following phrases with me: "You don't understand this because you're not a mom" or "Must be nice to have all that free time" or "You'd understand if you had a family..." *Shudder* I have to tell you, and here's my emotional side breaking through, I tear up a little every single time a mother tells me that.

They don't mean anything nasty by it. But it still stings. Every time.
I am acutely aware that I'm nearly 31 years-old and have never given birth. I've never been pregnant. I've never raised a child. I once had a woman I interviewed tell me over the phone "You have no clue what family-sized rooms are. You don't even have a family!" (Writers' note: That woman worked for DeKalb Memorial Hospital and she's a b*tch.)

On the other hand, I'm sure there are women who feel equally judged because they are mothers. Likely they loathe and resent the image of "soccer mom" or "housewife" and what that means. Though I will say, that "Housewives of..." franchise is really booming. It's pretty en vogue to be a mom these days. :)
(In the 80s, it was cool to be a business woman. Think Nine-to-Five style.)

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish more women would consider the spectrum rather than too easily round off comments that indicate that a woman without a child CHOSE that path or that a woman with a child CHOSE that path. I wish we could communicate with one another a bit more specifically and consider what else we CAN do in addition to being mothers. Moms and non-moms should be able to communicate about what they have in common, not sound off reasons why they are different all the time.

Think about this the next time you see a woman wearing a suit and heading for work. She could be a mom. She could be someone who hates children (NO!) or someone who has been trying for years to adopt and cannot. Next time you see a woman pushing an over-sized stroller in the mall, think about what else she may do. She may also have a career or a passion for the arts, science, etc. She may be a student. She may be someone's everything.

Think about the stereotypes and misconceptions about both kinds of women and all of those women in between before you open your big fat yapper. (I jest a little, but you get my point.) We all have goals and priorities and we all (I hope) have the potential to love and be loved. We all experience pain and anguish and we all have inherent motherhood/nurturing gene somewhere though it may not manifest in literal motherhood.

Think about this a little bit more please.
I suppose this could become a platform for being more compassionate in general, but in my experience, women hold each other to unfathomable standards and much of it is unnecessary and can be cruel.
Think a bit more each time you can't hang out with your friend because she's been busy with a sick child. Or think a bit more about a woman who can't meet up with you because her schedule jam packed with work commitments and school. It's not personal. It just is. We're all different and yet, we're the same.
We have more in common with one another than just our ovaries. (Crap, some of us lack ovaries, but you get it.)

And I realize how easy it is to summarize ourselves in terms of our children or our work. That's not something we should gloss over either, but remember, when you're quick to write a woman off because she didn't attend your baby shower or when you're quick to write off a woman who can't meet for drinks because her sitter fell through, take a moment and reflect on what you and that lady have in common. What brought you two into each others universe to begin with? You know and respect each other for something, right?
(If the answer is no, the relationship with that woman is officially a waste of time. Lack of respect for someone will destroy the possible camaraderie anyway.)

Me? I have friends who have children and friends who do not. I love and care about each of my friends for various reasons. I respect and admire the way my friends care for their children. (If they were a-hole parents, we wouldn't be friends.) And I respect my friends who don't have children. And frankly, each of those individuals do not have children for very specific reasons. Just like me.

You may be asking yourself if I want my own children? I get this question all the time. The truth is, I don't always know. Some days, I see how wonderful the relationships are between my mother-friends and their children and I envy that bond. Other days, I realize I am thankful that I didn't have a child too soon or because of a previous relationship. Some days, I don't think about it.

So is there any answer? Sure, it'd be great to be someone's mom. I'm just not sure what that means for me yet. I look elsewhere for answers in due time.

In the meantime, ladies, let's celebrate our differences rather than persecute each other for them. And let's envy each other a little less, okay?
The grass isn't always greener as they say.

That said, did I ever mention that I love to babysit?
Let's not forget those sporadic childcare providers!

Hee hee.

Ladies, I think you get it.
Let's put it in practice.

Post Script: A Little Proof of How Not Perfect I AM

For your enjoyment:

I pick at my fingernails despite paying handsomely to have them done every two weeks.

I own both an N'Sync and Backstreet Boys CD and I'm not ashamed of it.

I've been known to tailgate other drivers - every day.

I grind my teeth.

I get jealous sometimes, but always refuse to admit it.

Compliments literally throw me mentally off-guard.

I Can't. Do. Math.

I have a horrible movie-viewing history and you'd laugh at the classics I've missed.

I combat a fear of form-fitting clothes, daily, even though they look better than baggy ones.

I can't bring myself to leave the house with wet hair.

Did I mention I tailgate?

I've been known to rap - to bad, bad hip-hop songs.
(bad = uncool, literal description BAD)

My face sometimes gets me into trouble. ;)

I've been known to make up my own words and get angry when corrected.

I put Jiff peanut butter in the fridge.

I can't handle mess and disorder very well. Neat-freak is a good depiction.

I have an unhealthy relationship with The Office reruns.

I haven't owned a dress that wasn't black in years.

I refuse to eat cauliflower, cashews, cooked broccoli, sauerkraut, or caviar.

There are others, but this will get me started.
And frankly, these make me laugh a little. :)

I Am Not Perfect...Believe Me, I've Tried.

For nearly a year now, I've discussed what it means to be a 30 year-old woman living in in the Midwest. You know, just trying to "make it" or whatever that is supposed to mean for someone like me. That said, I'm fast approaching the beginning of my 31st year on earth and if life here has taught me anything, ANYTHING,...

It's that I am definitely, certifiably, obviously, card-carryingly NOT.PERFECT.
(See the photo at the top of this blog entry again if you need more proof.)

It's ironic though, because over the past 30 years I've been operating under the irrational and fantastic assumption that I could be, with just a little more elbow grease, perfect. Well, perfect to someone - family, friends, coworkers, students, acquaintances,...you get the point.
(Note - this is not a blog about how I've attempted to become Christ-like or God-like. I'm batsh*t crazy sometimes, but I'm not insane.) :)

And what I've learned, in trying in all ways to be somehow perfect (in work, in school, in relationships, in friendships, in duties, responsibilities...) is that I inevitably come up short. Trying to do the RIGHT thing all the time most definitely and at times, inexplicably, leads to the WRONG thing.
Ah Irony,...you remind me of Alanis Morrisette.

In trying to be perfect to everyone and in everything, you wind up being some shadow of your real self, leaving a lot of room for people to pour opinions in, but very little room for original, creative thought. It's true what they say - try to keep everyone happy, you end up miserable. Every time.
And it always, always fails.

What does a perfectionist fear the most? FAILURE.
(Not the band, the actual, literal act and experience of failure.)

I've been spending the last 30 years wondering how in the world I've come up short in various areas of my life. Sure, I have great relationships and wonderful opportunities, but at the same time, every time the bar is reached, I push it up just a little further out of reach. Yeah, the laundry DID get done before bedtime, but had I done it just a few hours earlier...I wouldn't have had to leave the clothes in the dryer over night - OUT! WRINKLES!

Or, "Thank you for saying I'm pretty, but I can't possibly pretty with this giant boil on my nose..." There it is, the good thing to which I would respond with "well, there could be this better thing..."

And frankly, it's stupid. This is a little confessional time for me, I suppose. And as I write this, I'm trying in vain to rectify my thought process too. Sometimes, it's okay to not like something. Sometimes, it's okay to get mad. Sometimes, it just might be acceptable to say NO.

You get the point yet?
If not, a word of caution - trying to obtain perfection (or rather perfection in keeping a peaceful existence) ironically leads to lying. Ever hear that one line about the woman in fat pants? You get it the picture.
You can't make everyone happy and be honest at the same time. It's damn near impossible. The world isn't perfect. The people in it aren't perfect. So where do I get off trying to obtain some semblance of harmony?
I'm an artist at heart dammit, I should find beauty in the ugly. Right?

I look ahead at another 30 years of life and I think to myself, is it really going to take this long to finally accept all the errors and faux pas and the time I walked into an office with my zipper down or the time I wrote that one email that made that one person mad or the time I flipped that other driver the bird...and on and on and on. I find that I dwell on every slip up, every mistake, until it eats me up. It drives me crazy and thus the spiral begins again.

Somehow, I need to learn that people will at times make me angry and there will be times when people simply do not like me despite my best efforts. There will be times when people make fun of me or tell me things I don't want to hear and I have to accept that they expect me to do the same. (Well maybe they do, I like to think it'd be reciprocal.)

I need to accept a little last-minute chaos into my life. What do all aspiring perfectionists want? CONTROL.
We're a little power-hungry. I'll admit it. (See, I'm growing up a little.)

Perfectionists not only strive to do everything right the first time (Ever see me try to drive a manual vehicle or watch me try to chip the ball onto the green?), but we also spend an awful lot of time agonizing over and attempting to right any wrongs we've committed.
Formula for failure 1: Doing the bad thing.
Formula for failure 2: Trying to correct bad thing with halfhearted pleas for forgiveness and/or excessive contact.
Formula for failure 3: Expecting a positive response
Formula for failure 4: Retaliating for lack of quick response with additional bad thing.

And so it goes.

In 30 years I've wasted a lot of time that I could have spent developing creative outlets and doing fun activities (THINK OF ALL THE ACTIVITIES!) by worrying and obsessing over what I haven't done right in the past. I've spent a lot of time holding on to wrongs I can't right and I've spent a lot of time inwardly holding other people to my own, irrational standards. (Note - bar is always, will always be...too HIGH).

And I'm not entirely certain, as I look ahead, how NOT to keep moving in this direction. What I do know is this: what I've done before, doesn't work. It doesn't equate to contentment or personal enrichment. It doesn't lead to confidence (though A's are always nice) and it doesn't lead to better, stronger relationships. It just leaves me wanting to move faster, higher, and better than before. And what good is that movement if you don't know where you're going?
And how the hell is it even important if you can't enjoy the journey?

But I'm going to try.
And the first step, at least in this moment, is to learn to LAUGH AT MYSELF.
Because dammit, I'm pretty freaking hilarious.
At least, today. :)

How Facebook Brings Out the Worst in People

I have to admit, I'm an avid Facebook user. I leave myself logged in nearly all day, every day, just in case I want to check it and not be bothered to log in again. I like being able to access my friends, family, and random people I met once in a random place should I feel moved to do so. I like using Facebook to find old high school and college friends - see how their lives have changed, how they've changed - and it prevents me from being obligated to go to the reunions. :) I love to look at photos I'd otherwise never see and see posts that sometimes make me think (political, religious, etc). I like to use the chat function and catch up with people I never see or at times wouldn't feel like I could just call out of the blue. Facebook, in a way, opens conversations up a bit further, linking people who may feel their relationships were somewhat lost due to distance, time, space, etc.

But Facebook also brings out what I perceive as the very worst in people. I've mentioned eDrama in previous blogs, but this isn't exactly what I'm referring to. I've highlighted what I feel are some of the worst Facebook offenses for your reading pleasure. Maybe you agree or disagree - but I'll tell you this, I'm reminded once and awhile of how easily Facebook use can wreak havoc on people and bring out the narcissist or asshole in people. And the worst are those who are oblivious to how their Facebooking makes them look. You can call me a hypocrite for this blog, but I admit my own Facebook foibles and understand that I'm not entirely exempt...

1. Look at me! Look at me!
Facebook is a vehicle for the oblivious narcissist. Photos are one of the ways in which people can show their "better selves." Avatars are typically ones that make the user looks his/her sexiest or most attractive. Never mind that the pic is five years old (or sometimes 20+) or taken at angle in which those extra forty face pounds don't show. I am guilty of this one. My avatar is three years old. I like it. It still looks like me, but probably pushes the line.

Avatars often feature the user with what he/she is most proud of - a significant other (if he/she isn't ugly); kids; musical instruments; cars; and the like. Rather than saying openly "LOOK WHAT I HAVE" you can just click on a few photos. Albums allow you to see the construction of his/her new home, classic car, etc. Accomplishments (from babies' first barf to graduation) are here too. Notice how it's rare to see an avatar featuring a new pimple or bad hair day.

2. Facebook determines social status.
I wish I had a dollar for every time Facebook statuses and/or de-friendings gave me anxiety or stress. Seriously! I hate to admit this, but now that Facebook exists, it's somewhat of a lunch room 'dis' if you aren't friended by those you are expected to be friends with. I've had my profile deleted from people's pages and thought "Shit, what did I ever do to them?" when in actuality, in REAL LIFE, it means NOTHING. Sure, it may reflect some ill will or festering anger, but in the two cases I checked out, it was neither. We had simply lost touch. (*see Pen Pals circa the age of pen/paper/letters/etc) We start to agonize about phantom offenses we may have committed and/or worry that we're the ones doing the offending simply because we don't want to have 5,678 friends that aren't really friends at all.

3. Friends = Fiction.
Dana has 539 Friends. YEAH, RIGHT.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I do have friends, but do I have 539 really good friends? No way. Not many people get that close to me as it is and I can count on one hand how many people I'd share my deepest thoughts with and three of those are my other personalities. ;) But Facebook has become this cyber popularity contest (see #2) and the more 'friends,' the more 'status.' Hmmmm. My profile should read: Dana has 539 people she can spy on if she so chooses. That'd be more accurate, I think.
:)
I think out of those 539, I realistically look at about 20 pages. I tend to look at profiles that somewhat 'say something' as opposed to "Junior took a big dump after lunch today. Guess I'm not feeding him peas for awhile." *Shudder.

4. Facebook makes people feel inadequate.
I'm throwing this in here. I can't figure out how to make shapes yet. I want very badly to add a heart in my posts, but I can't seem to figure it out. This is what I view as a hierarchy of power emerging, Facebook! Dammit!
:)
For the time being, I'm stuck with smilies.
My most recent accomplishment was finding the way to use Italics in chat messages. Big whoo.

5. Facebook makes you VULNERABLE. Okay, let's be clear. People are assholes. The world isn't always a nice place. Facebook allows more people to spy on you, check you out, learn your whereabouts, whether or not you hate your boss, or whether or not you do or don't like Justin Bieber and Twilight (PS: if you do like those two things - we may not be friends already). Yes, your boss may be able to view your profile. Your views and Info page leave you open for criticism of your world view, religious view, and personal ethics code. Your posts and links show people another piece of you that is open for judgment. The more condescending, selfish, or stupid your posts, the more vulnerable you become. Facebook, after all, is a reflection of you, the person, or at least, that's the design. I think a lot of people forget that part.
Do you really want everyone to know that when you took the "How do you Smell" quiz, that you're 95% Sulfer Fart and 5% Milk Fart? Come on!
STUPID.

6. Facebook gets in the way. Countless articles are emerging and talk show hosts are making a killing on couples and friendships whose lives have been destroyed by Facebook posts (Kevin is now SINGLE; Relationship Status: It's Complicated) and the fact that one's spouse can't put the damn laptop down long enough for five minutes of...well you get the point.

Farmville. Yoville. Mafia Wars.
This is a whole new level of nuts, if you ask me. Not only are we on the Interwebs, we're playing a virtual Monopoly that seems to never end. I will not join your mafia and do not want your drinks, ribbons, flare, coupons, or hearts. This is just one more way for me to step back from reality and be someone I'm not.
Besides, I don't want to build a barn or grown watermelons.

Facebook becomes a way to spy on your partner, to misinterpret things. Couples question friend requests and emails and chats. Photos pop up everywhere, people tagged before they know it (Josh has tagged a photo of you throwing up at the bar). Facebook relationships are scrutinized and anxiety builds in friendships, marriages, relationships. It's insane. There's some validity to it. If your partner has a laptop between his/her legs more than you are, well...I suppose that's a little extreme and crass, but you get the picture. Reality should trump Facebook every time. I think.

7. Facebook is a way for people to get their digs in.
Don't like satanists? Don't like abortion? Don't like gays? Don't like conservatives? Post your thoughts online for everyone to see! Be mean! Be without care! Speak your mind! It's FACEBOOK!

Yeah, it's FACEBOOK.
Feelings are feelings and maturity is still maturity.
Think before you post. It may save you some time/space/energy in the long run.

I'm not saying you have to be totally politically correct (haters gonna hate), but you may want to apply some discretion. You know, like before you write Joanna likes strippers and silly straws. *Post photo here* Betcha you're not gonna get a lot appropriate responses to this. I've made my own share of FB faux pas not realizing I had set myself up. The deliberate ones are worse. And really, how many times do we have to read sociopolitical garbage about Obama, Bush, mosques, the war, Christians, blah blah blah...SHUT UP. When did your OPINIONS become so damn important!? Have you written a book? Are you a scholar? Consider it...

8. Facebook is for the self-righteous. Number 7 is the beginning of a rant. Facebook has become a platform for prayer and holier-than-thou politicking that I just.can't.stand.

Pray for Bob's kidney stones. Rest in Peace Jonathan Brandis. Bible scripture. Green Peace scripture. BP oil spill items. Help the hungry. Support the war. Don't support the war. Some of these 'like' pages and posts are just a gun short of a threat. "Like God or face damnation." Yikes.
I wonder if God has a Facebook...click click click...


Wow. I can add God's page as an interest on my page. Whoa. Facebook is now spiritually problematic.

9. Facebook replaces genuine contact. Invitations, messages, chats,...none of this is taking place in person where we can read facial expressions and body language. Born of this are countless misunderstandings and confusions (What do you mean we broke up? & I didn't really mean to "EAT GRANDMA" when I wrote that...etc...)
In short, we've lost a lot of valuable social skills and the ones we have are quickly deteriorating because we've made it very easy to connect and disconnect without doing a whole hell of a lot work.

I do like Facebook, but I worry about my dependency on it and the dependency of others. It's become too personal and impersonal all at once. I find myself blessing and cursing knowing everything, all the time, as it happens.

Dear Facebook Team,

Facebook as a way of Life.
DISLIKE.

Love,
Dana

For old time's sake...The Swoop and Anti-Swoop Rules

This post is a little dated, but many of you will get a laugh out of it...

The Official Ladies Notebook – The Anti-Swoop Addendum

*Created, organized, and disseminated in response to Carson McClain’s/Sweetwater Man Club(s) The Official Rulebook (‘Swoop Rules’) 2007-8.

A note:

Ladies, unbeknownst to us, there exists a secret fraternity of men in the Fort Wayne area who have developed an ‘official’ rulebook pertaining specifically to the ‘sharing’ of ex-girlfriends and/or wives. Beware – as any man you encounter from here forward, may be familiar with, engaged in, or otherwise connected to Swoop Rules. That said, and please read attached ‘swoop dictates,’ this response is necessary as what this boys’ club does not realize currently is that they are practicing the age old activity known as “marking,” “tagging,” “enslaving,” and/or “possessing,” women as property.

True, these rules are developed in a quasi-state of friendly brotherhood with ‘honor’ and ‘code’ in mind; however, unfortunately for these boys, this law-making has also done the following:

1. Ensured they have ‘ruled themselves’ out of any relationship with the five single girls left in our city.

2. Engaged in the practice of passive-aggressive patriarchal dominance.

3. Enabled themselves to become what they chastise us most for, gossips.

The following are the official ‘Swoop Rules.’ The authors and those men currently adhering to its dictates shall remain nameless due merely to circumstance…

"The Official Rulebook: How to Acceptably Swoop on your Friend's Ex"

1. No dating Ex-Girlfriends for double the time of the previous relationship. There must be consent from previous boyfriend before swoop occurs. This is the 2:1 rule. Marriage and/or divorce annuls 2:1 rule so any swoop attempts on divorcee are unacceptable.

2. No premeditation on the relationship swoop is acceptable. After all you are supposed to be friends. Swooping with premeditation is backstabbing, hence you are an asshole.

3. In regards to the 2:1 rule, any attempt to swoop is as bad as the action failed or succeeded.

4. No fondling or touching current girlfriends, current love interests or any girlfriend within the 2:1 rule.

5. Sex. 2:1 rule applies unless the 2:1 rule has been annulled by a marriage or a divorce. Intimate relationships with the divorcee are completely unacceptable.

6. Being drunk is not an excuse for any attempt to swoop. Even if you are being swooped upon. If reverse swoop happens you must report to friend and 3rd party the next day.

7. Any "rule" must be cleared with friend and 3rd party

8. The library, coffeshop or lunch is a cover up for a date, hence it is a date. see 2:1 rule. Any date or any cover up for a date is an attempt to swoop.

9. Prior friendships are exempt from library/coffeshop rule but may not encroach on the 2:1 rule. No sex is acceptable. If the "previous friendship" is in question in relation to swooping, it must be discussed with a 3rd party.

10. It is forbidden to represent yourself as a superior alternative to your friend.

11. Friend Network (i.e. MySpace, Facebook, etc.) adding is unacceptable unless she adds you. And you must verify with friend that the add is acceptable. There will be no messaging in regards to relationships on friend networking sites for the extent of the 2:1 rule, If so you must verify with friend.

12. Don't be a scumbag. Be a man, be a friend and do what is right.

Indeed, these 12 regulations are meant in good faith and to sustain a fraternal order of friendship; however, an addendum must be set by Fort Wayne ladies in response and to ensure compassionate counters.

The Official Ladies’ Addendum

(Or) The ‘Anti-Swoop Rules’

1. Good men are difficult to find in Fort Wayne. The first lady to a decent guy – wins.
2. If you are currently engaging in bisexual or try-sexual behavior with your friends, the concept of swooping is off the table. All’s fair. Attempting to set boundaries on a man while making out or experimenting with women is a double standard. Your man gets to kiss a man.
3. The “it’s okay for me, but not for you” rule is an age-old double standard too. You may not flirt with other men and expect for your man not to engage as well. Discuss all boundaries and expectations prior to being seen in public together.
4. Your friends may befriend your man. This does not equate to cheating. Should you suspect your man of cheating, hold him accountable. Speaking up does not make you a bitch. Being accusatory without supporting evidence DOES.
5. Never swoop on another woman’s man. That said, another woman’s man equals a) her husband, b) her boyfriend. If you know your close friend has a serious crush on a man and he has expressed interest in you, converse with friend before acting on interest and consider the effects upon your friendship.
6. The failing relationship. If a man expresses interest in you and he has a wife/girlfriend, do you your research. Make all attempts to head off potential disasters. If you do so and attempts fail and you put friendship first, all’s fair in love and war. Ensure interest comes solely from the man and you are not a party to any flirtation that can be misinterpreted. Defend yourself as needed. Dignity first. Remember, that real love can’t be destroyed by rumors, bad information, and stupid gossipy people.
7. If you are cheating or have engaged in malicious behavior in your relationship, do not use this as the means for accusing your man or friends. Match.com and eHarmony.com searching and communicating while in a relationship equates to the same level of malicious intent.
8. Just because you can slap/punch/kick/bite/scratch your man does not make abuse okay. Kicking in the crotch is meant for defense only and is followed by 911. Practicing controlled violence as a couple is okay as long as both parties consent and bruise placement is tactful.
9. Hating your man’s ex because she’s pretty, thin, successful, or intelligent is off limits. It makes you look stupid and insecure. She probably has back-acne or body odor. Remember, they broke up for a reason. Hating on her just because she is an ex is ridiculous and makes her the winner, not you.
10. Girl world and girl drama is appreciated by NO ONE. This is the lunch table/cheerleader concept. Grow the F up.
11. Dating a friend’s ex is okay so long as a) the relationship terminated legally, b) the ex lives in another state, or c) she’s going to murder you anyway. Life is short.
12. Your man is going to a strip club for a reason. It’s not only a buddies’ thing. Seriously. Wise up. Buy a pole – with his money.
13. If your friends are sketchy about your man choice, investigate. They are telling you these things despite their impulse to not hurt your feelings. They care. Remember consult your friends on this. No one else, unless it’s family.
14. If your family hates your spouse/boyfriend/interest…there’s a reason for it. Do your research. Make a smart choice. If your family is clinical, take this into consideration during evaluation.
15. Dating with intent is a bad idea. This will not make you a baby or get you down the aisle any quicker or with better results.
16. Sex with your partner is a good thing. Sex with everyone else’s partner is a bad thing.
17. The “I was neglected” defense is not acceptable.
18. When breaking up, be honest. Never use “It’s me, not you,” or “You’re too good for me,” unless of course, it really is true.
19. Beware high school, Facebook, and Myspace politicking while dating a man.
20. Make wise decisions. Consider all options and put your happiness first. The rest will fall into place and others will eventually respect you for being smart and considerate. Play nice. Be a woman. Be a friend.

On Turning 30: Nostalgia

Recently, I caught myself saying "Wow, where did all the rappers go?" You laugh, but the comment was made as I was driving along, wishing for the old school hip-hop and rap days of the 90s. Today, everything's on auto-tune (aka T-Pain) and any pubescent right off the Disney boat can get a record deal. (And I shouldn't scoff knowing that Britney, Christina, JT, and others are graduates of MMC.)

But I digress...the point is, I caught myself making one of those cliche remarks meant to state "things aren't like they were in the good old days" and it turned my mind to what I miss about pre-Millennium days. Maybe you miss these things too...they are noticeably from the cusp - The Generations XY:

1. Old school rappers. You know the ones that pushed the envelopes. This was before bling and before auto-tune. Think Snoop Dog, Dre, WuTang, Jay-Z, Ludacris, Eminem. Think The Roots or Arrested Development. Groups focused on real social issues or ones making fun of themselves. Nowadays, you don't really have to rap much and the real push is to see how sexual your content can get. I don't know who came up with that ridiculous "Say Ah" crap, but it's tacky and gross.
At least Luda is still fun, even though he's teamed up with Justin Beiber. *Sigh.

2. Disney Popsicles. You know the ones shaped like Mickey, Donald, and Goofy. They came in only three flavors at the time: cherry, orange, and grape.

3. Mixed tapes. Time spent fast-fowarding and rewinding made the experience more fun. It was a challenge to tape the songs off your favorite radio station.

4. Speak-n-Spell. I know several adults who could still benefit from this. Fred Durst got it. For a minute.

5. The Real World on MTV before it became about how offensive and stupid young 20somethings can be. Anyone else miss Real World San Francisco or Seattle? Sure, the fashion sucked, but the program was about real life issues back then and not how drunk you can be before you hump your cast mates.

6. Summer jobs. I used to be a waitress (ahem - server) as well as an umpire for a youth baseball/softball league. Making cash hand-over-fist only to blow it on cheap clothes, food, or booze was awesome. Saving a portion of it for college was cool too. Nowadays, who saves for college? Most people now can go for free or default on their loans.

7. Bag phones or "brick phones." Back then, your cell phone did one thing, computed numbers and transmitted a signal. You had to talk to people more often than not, face-to-face. If you were really non-confrontational, you sent a hand-written note in class to the person you liked or hated, depending on the day. Now, you can de-friend someone on Facebook or annihilate a relationship with one click.

8. Bubble Tape, Bomb Pops, Dots, Band-aid gum, Runts, Blow Pops, Airheads, SweetTarts, Bottlecaps, etc. Old school candy is simply awesome. Classic flavors, fun ideas. Back then, M&Ms stood on their own and didn't conform.

9. TV programming. This was the dawn of the 'your parents are stupid' age, but there existed enough quality TV that kids didn't feel like knifing their parents after an episode. Saved by the Bell, Cosby, Nickelodeon (pre-2000),...it was all pretty harmless. Back then, it was questionable if your parents let you watch 90210, Melrose Place, or You Can't Do That on Television. Bonus if your parents were cool with you watching Beavis and Butthead or The Simpsons. Nowadays, you can be naked and swear on TV, prime time.

10. The ball park. People just hung out there. You weren't required to have a Nintendo DS or Wii back then. You were outside, playing, until dusk most of the time. Technology and pedophiles kinda soured that for people. Grr. Back then, sledding, skiing, or just making a mess in the snow was equally awesome. Hot chocolate was usually a perk afterward and it didn't come from a packet with dehydrated marshmallows.

11. Camping. See #10. Really, I just think everyone needs to be outdoors more.

12. Old school Nintendo. I challenge anyone in my age bracket who didn't love Mario and Luigi. :)

13. Being yourself. If you weren't yet obliterated by high school politics, you were a badass just in doing what you liked to do, when you wanted to do it. We call those adults brash now.

14. Four-square. And that teacher's aid who always yelled at you on the playground. I spent a few stints in the 'bad box' at Carlin Park for general merriment at the expense of Ms. Junk.

15. Field trips. Remember when it was okay to load up buses of kids to do something in the name of education? We sent 8th graders to Chicago and Washington DC. High schoolers to the Bahamas. Back then, parents could typically trust that their children would return safely, not impregnated, or facing jail time. Teachers were viewed with respect, not as pedophiles or abusers.

16. The fashion. Now, I can't say that I EVER want stretch pants, Breakers, silk shirts, side ponytails, slap bracelets, Hypercolor, Umbro, or neon to ever come back, really...but come on...we were FUNNY.
Funny looking.
Points if you had one of those All-Star jackets or one with huge Magic 8 Ball on the back. LMAO.
WTF were we thinking?!
If you were a woman, you had bangs. And they were BIG, but not 80s big.

17. Bikes and rollerblades. If you didn't have one or the other, you didn't go very far. I still contend that Heelies suck. Razor scooters are okay, but a far cry from actually working out. Skateboards were the bomb.

18. Dodge Ball and Kick Ball. It was brutal and you lost your dignity most of the time whether you got hit in the face or the privates or never got picked first for a team, but no one got through grade school without these. Your school was awesome if you had to play Pickleball or Steal the Bacon.

19. That one coach in middle school or high school. You know the one - the one who treated you like crap because they wanted you to succeed or because you generally pissed them off. The one of questionable sexual orientation and usually taught gym on the side. No matter how awful this person could be, you respected them because they were HARD.

20. Study Hall. One free hour a day. At 30 years old, I yearn for a STUDY HALL.

21. Book-IT. You got free pizza for reading. That was cool. Back then, the Pizza Hut mints tasted like mint too, not cinnamon. They still had red candles on the tables and PacMan.

22. The vans. Everyone had a parent who drove a shitty-looking or stupid-looking van back then. It was just a matter of how bad it was - Caravan? Beauville? But by God, you could get ten-fifteen of your adolescent friends in it to trick-or-treat every Halloween!

23. Diaries. Every offense and every thought - you wrote it down and prayed your little brother or sister wouldn't read it. Now the world reads it - online. Thank you, Blogger. :) And these days, you have nothing, NOTHING, to be ashamed about. Everyone is public.

24. BFFs. You know, the ones you shared the heart necklace with. Not your 5,023 Facebook friends, but the one or two pals you could trust your life to or really, your most recent crush and other relatively embarrassing moments.

25. Camp. If you didn't go to summer camp, you suck. Camp was where you grew up, learned to break a few rules, and had your first one-three week girlfriend/boyfriend from another city/state.

26. Jump ropes. The ones made of durable plastic and multiple colors. They clacked on the ground when you used them. The American Heart Association held fundraisers. You got the whip-like ones for double dutch.

27. Scrapes, scars, bruises, and scabs. So you hurt yourself. Back then, you sniffed a little, slapped a Band-Aid on it and went back to what you were doing. You got points if you got stitches or a cast. Now? Your parents are going to sue the school, the park, or the city depending on what happened. Crap. Maybe all three.

28. Parties. Your friends' idea of partying ranged from snagging alcohol on the weekends to all evening horror movie fests. Sometimes it was tailgating. Sometimes it was camping at Jellystone. Sometimes it was just going out and making some trouble. Now...you get Facebook. Period. Twitter if you understand it.
The really cool young-ins (and I mean early middle school) are chillin' at Starbucks. I will never get why kids 12, 13 jones for coffee products.

29. Bare feet. When it wasn't snowing, being barefoot outside was safe and freaking awesome.
If it was hot and you could walk on asphalt, you were TOUGH.

30. Respect. These were the days right before the narcissism and self-entitlement of the growing technological age. It was cool to do something nice for a friend and it was even cool to watch John Hughes films. Life was still tough and kids were still cruel, but you learned and grew from it. Your parents sucked, but you still liked them. You volunteered, you were a Brownie, a scout, a teammate, and that made it okay. The grading scale was rigid and ISTEP wasn't around. Kids were the kids and the parents were the parents. After school specials were just that, a show you could watch with a juice box and some cookies. You tipped your waiter, your pizza guy, and your hairdresser. You had a shitty car and $20 would buy you anything you wanted at Glenbrook Mall.

And the future was bright. You could do anything. You didn't deserve anything, but you knew you could get it if you wanted to.

:)