There are Two Types of Women...and Other Bull

There are two types of women who live in the Midwest: the ones who are mothers and the ones who aren't. Mind you, I'm making a sweeping generalization here, but hang on, I'm going somewhere with this.
(I realize that all individuals are unique - all women are unique unto themselves - etc.)

However, for the purpose of this blog, let's set it up in a Haves Vs. Have-Nots fashion. K?
K.

Think of the two types of women on a spectrum, the full-fledged, stay-at-home mommies at one end and the women who elect to not have children for various reasons (work, school, personal preference) at the other. I have to preface this spectrum with this: difference is a good thing. This is a spectrum, not a great than/less than equation. Trust me, I'm not that good with math.

Anyway, in between exists a diverse pool of young women who either do or don't have children, again for various reasons. Here lies the women who want children, but are physically incapable of doing so. In between are the women who had children and gave them up for adoption. In between are the women who are simply not ready yet or haven't made their decision whether or not to have children. In between are all the step-moms and pseudo-step-mom-girlfriends who have children, but not biological children. In between are the women who had abortions and the women who lost children in childbirth or in miscarriages. There's a lot of in between to consider.

My point? I find that all too often I land myself in conversations that seem to polarize women in the have/have not fashion. Mind you, it's not easy in the moment to consider all possible reasons for why a woman does or doesn't have children, but at the same time, it's all too easy to latch on to assumptions or conclusions drawn exclusively by the presence or non-presence of children.

We all have social and familial roles. Children or the lack thereof are only one facet of that existence, ladies. Remember that. I honor and respect mothers who throw themselves on the proverbial sword daily for the sake of their children. It's what they signed up to do. I respect women who conclusively know that they are bound for a childless life and have come to terms with that fact. Some may relish it. I respect that decision or situation. To both kinds of ladies, you're decided. Bravo.

What I don't and cannot respect is the crass, often unfounded judgment that women pass from one to another based solely on whether or not another woman has or doesn't have children. I lost count of the times mothers have used the following phrases with me: "You don't understand this because you're not a mom" or "Must be nice to have all that free time" or "You'd understand if you had a family..." *Shudder* I have to tell you, and here's my emotional side breaking through, I tear up a little every single time a mother tells me that.

They don't mean anything nasty by it. But it still stings. Every time.
I am acutely aware that I'm nearly 31 years-old and have never given birth. I've never been pregnant. I've never raised a child. I once had a woman I interviewed tell me over the phone "You have no clue what family-sized rooms are. You don't even have a family!" (Writers' note: That woman worked for DeKalb Memorial Hospital and she's a b*tch.)

On the other hand, I'm sure there are women who feel equally judged because they are mothers. Likely they loathe and resent the image of "soccer mom" or "housewife" and what that means. Though I will say, that "Housewives of..." franchise is really booming. It's pretty en vogue to be a mom these days. :)
(In the 80s, it was cool to be a business woman. Think Nine-to-Five style.)

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish more women would consider the spectrum rather than too easily round off comments that indicate that a woman without a child CHOSE that path or that a woman with a child CHOSE that path. I wish we could communicate with one another a bit more specifically and consider what else we CAN do in addition to being mothers. Moms and non-moms should be able to communicate about what they have in common, not sound off reasons why they are different all the time.

Think about this the next time you see a woman wearing a suit and heading for work. She could be a mom. She could be someone who hates children (NO!) or someone who has been trying for years to adopt and cannot. Next time you see a woman pushing an over-sized stroller in the mall, think about what else she may do. She may also have a career or a passion for the arts, science, etc. She may be a student. She may be someone's everything.

Think about the stereotypes and misconceptions about both kinds of women and all of those women in between before you open your big fat yapper. (I jest a little, but you get my point.) We all have goals and priorities and we all (I hope) have the potential to love and be loved. We all experience pain and anguish and we all have inherent motherhood/nurturing gene somewhere though it may not manifest in literal motherhood.

Think about this a little bit more please.
I suppose this could become a platform for being more compassionate in general, but in my experience, women hold each other to unfathomable standards and much of it is unnecessary and can be cruel.
Think a bit more each time you can't hang out with your friend because she's been busy with a sick child. Or think a bit more about a woman who can't meet up with you because her schedule jam packed with work commitments and school. It's not personal. It just is. We're all different and yet, we're the same.
We have more in common with one another than just our ovaries. (Crap, some of us lack ovaries, but you get it.)

And I realize how easy it is to summarize ourselves in terms of our children or our work. That's not something we should gloss over either, but remember, when you're quick to write a woman off because she didn't attend your baby shower or when you're quick to write off a woman who can't meet for drinks because her sitter fell through, take a moment and reflect on what you and that lady have in common. What brought you two into each others universe to begin with? You know and respect each other for something, right?
(If the answer is no, the relationship with that woman is officially a waste of time. Lack of respect for someone will destroy the possible camaraderie anyway.)

Me? I have friends who have children and friends who do not. I love and care about each of my friends for various reasons. I respect and admire the way my friends care for their children. (If they were a-hole parents, we wouldn't be friends.) And I respect my friends who don't have children. And frankly, each of those individuals do not have children for very specific reasons. Just like me.

You may be asking yourself if I want my own children? I get this question all the time. The truth is, I don't always know. Some days, I see how wonderful the relationships are between my mother-friends and their children and I envy that bond. Other days, I realize I am thankful that I didn't have a child too soon or because of a previous relationship. Some days, I don't think about it.

So is there any answer? Sure, it'd be great to be someone's mom. I'm just not sure what that means for me yet. I look elsewhere for answers in due time.

In the meantime, ladies, let's celebrate our differences rather than persecute each other for them. And let's envy each other a little less, okay?
The grass isn't always greener as they say.

That said, did I ever mention that I love to babysit?
Let's not forget those sporadic childcare providers!

Hee hee.

Ladies, I think you get it.
Let's put it in practice.