In less than one month, I will turn 30 years-old. I have decided that now is the best time to write a series coined "On Turning 30." Appropriate? I think so. Over the past several months, turning over this milestone blasted to the forefront of my brain and has made everything in life seem just a bit more poignant. I remember last year saying "Thirty? No big deal. Age is a state of being." By the way, that's crap.When a woman is about to become 30 years-old, it sets off a mindset that can somewhat shadow everyday experiences - rather - sheds a little emotional cast on things like getting groceries, going to work, driving, relationships, friendship, etc... Part one is dedicated to what I call relationship reciprocity. I've discussed this before, but as I age, my position on its necessity and importance is more serious.
Reciprocity? For those new to the concept, this means sharing, a balance set amongst or between people. It's at the core of the feng shui in any given circumstance. Let's start at the beginning...
In life, there are givers and there are takers, the latter being the easiest to define first. Why? Well, they TAKE. Whatever energy exists out there by opportunity, they seize it. Find a dollar on the sidewalk? It's theirs. You have five minutes? They'll talk. "Anyone want the other half of my sandwich?" Gone. It's that simple. These are the carpe diem people. To a degree, self-motivated and self-centered, they have to be respected because they have the innate ability to prioritize themselves, and to their credit, near or at the top, of their responsibility list. They're not out there waiting for an offer, they're just flat-out taking it. Takers aren't necessarily jerks, they're just tuned in to what they want and make that priority number one.
The yang of this equation are the givers. (Christian upbringing? You're more likely to be a giver unless some friendly atheist steered you oppositely.)
Givers are a breed of people who well, don't take. Or if they take, they take infrequently and usually take the smallest piece. The dollar on the sidewalk? They've turned it in or donated it. Your five minutes? They're all ears. Other half of a sandwich? Nah, they're not hungry. Givers are out there taking pride and joy in donating parts of themselves all over the place for the 'greater good' or the 'good of someone else.' They tend to live simply, require little of people, and take their time earning achievements. They pride 'fairness' and 'justice' and 'peace.' Unfortunately, the "I" in this equation is so far buried on the 'to do list' that givers tend to neglect themselves. They don't sleep, take personal time, or really say 'stop' when the time comes.
They make shitty managers, by the way. They're too busy worrying about how to help everyone else on the team.
What's the point? Every relationship - be it friendship, romantic, work, etc...is comprised of givers and takers. What has struck me as I approach 'middle age,' is just how much this affects whether or not any imbalance works or doesn't work in any given situation. Allow me to use an example that's close to home...
My sister and I are born and raised 'givers.' Told at an early age, "You don't hate anyone," and "Do unto others," we have both prided ourselves on being conscientious and the first to 'rush in and save someone' when needed. In school, we were the counselors for our friends. (I made this into a career, by the way.) As adults, we've found that always being reliable and responsible has gotten us, well, about 1 foot ahead of where we both were in high school. We're still the ones people want to talk to about their problems; still the ones who order the least expensive menu items; still the ones who hold our tongue for the sake of a situation...and so on. Know what? All that's earned us is one big whopping pound of resentment and frustration.
You see, givers have 'taker tendencies' only they're waiting the 'big pay off.' They're waiting to win the lottery; get the big promotion; have the rock star life by waiting patiently and doing for others, hoping it will, as they say, 'go around and come around.' Well dammit, I'm still waiting.
Does that mean the takers are perfect? Well hell no, but I have to respect their natural instinct for caring for themselves first and foremost. What my sister and I have both learned is that in doing for others our entire lives (up to this point) is that very few people really know us. People aren't compelled to ask us questions, we're too busy listening and they're too busy talking. They're not compelled to help us out with projects because well, we've already done them and submitted the finish product to everyone else for approval.
Do I have a point? I thought so when I started this blog entry, but what I have learned is the importance of balance. It becomes more significant as we age. We all want to be loved and accepted and treated as we would treat other people. And it doesn't always happen. What I've found as I reach 3.0, is that it's better to have fewer friends and more rewarding, balanced relationships than anything else. I don't' care if I do have over 300 friends on Facebook or Myspace, there are less than 100 that know me well. Less than 10 I'd call in an emergency or rely on for help. It's less about fitting in than it is about what you can get and give in relationships as you become an adult.
As I age, I'm more concerned with respect and reciprocity in relationships than anything else. I want the support of my peers and the balance in the three primary relationship facets of my life. To me, this starts with spending quality time with me (alone) and quality time with those upon whom I can depend. Perhaps you go through this yourself? I think we all do, despite age.
And I'm finding, the less I fit in, the better. I still like to give, but I now make a concerted effort to do so when I feel good about it, not just to help someone who is just going to ask me again, for help.
And for takers, it hurts a little when someone isn't there to accommodate. And for givers, it sucks that much more when you realize that once you stop giving, a relationship ends completely because the other party, well disappears.
Quick anecdote:
I had a friend once, someone I genuinely cared for and respected. I was on her speed dial for emergencies. We shared fun times. We had a blast at parties and shared mutual interests. Thing was, I made all the social plans. I set up all the conversations. I asked all the questions. One day, I stopped. Just to see what would happen.
She hasn't called me since.
C'est la freaking vie, as they say. :)
But we learn from it. Ideally, we're all a little part-giver, part-taker. We all contribute and we all take away. Check yourself.
What's your percentage?
I'm curious.
Part II to come...soon. :)
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