Like most women my age, I love to shop. I frequent the outlet malls, boutiques, and all locally famous merchandise monstrosities just like everyone else in hopes of landing a bargain - say a pair of name brand jeans for less than $20 or a bag-full from the Victoria Secret Semi-Annual Sale.But...
Nothing makes me boil more than having to shop for swimsuits. (I nearly wrote swimming suits only to delete it thinking it's bad form to counter the normal Midwestern lingo.)
After my morning appointment, I stopped by Von Maur at Jefferson Pointe hoping to find a well-made swimsuit at a decent price before heading off to work. (Note - I had the luxury today of getting a lunch hour before 11 AM.)
My body temperature began to rise just in noting that Von Maur (and all other JP stores with exception to Barnes & Noble and Bed, Bath, and Beyond) doesn't open until 10:00 AM. That's a story for another day. By 10 AM, I had roamed the permimeter of the mall twice in 88 degree heat awaiting a precious 30 minute period in which I could buy a suit for an evening swimming date.
Yes, I know I'm crazy. I'm nodding with you here.
I entered the store promptly at 10 AM set on my mission and headed directly to the women's swimming section. As I perused the clearance rack (note: Von Maur clearance = GAP or JCrew full price cost), I realized that one reason this section was marked "Clearance" was because NONE of the tops and bottoms matched. Figures.
I grabbed a few that "would work" and glanced at the full price bathing suits. (Note: full price at Von Maur = $100+ per suit/top & bottom, priced separately.) I snagged a basic black one from this area noting the price only of the top and headed for the dressing room.
I think this is the part of the story where I should insert obliging and compassionate notations about the benefit of loving one's body "as is" and how "all women are beautiful in their own way" etc.
But I'm not going to do that. We've all heard it.
And none of us buy into that crap, particularly when we're shopping for bathing suits.
(I'm risking lumping the female gender into one note here, but forgive me if it's 'not you.')
Bathing suits suck no matter how you slice 'em. Inevitably, the top is too small or the bottoms too big or the fabric too stretchy or not stretchy enough or too revealing or too marmish or too lumpy or too stringy or there's too much boob or too little bum or too much belly to nonexistent fabric to flabbity arms to leg jiggle versus back fat versus thigh jiggle compounded by boob popping and....well you get the point.
Bathing suit shopping sucks. Especially in a 30 minute window.
Makes me wonder how men get off so easily (pun not intended here) by only having to wear 'swimming trunks' which are realistically big baggy shorts. Who made baggy shorts hot on men and hideous on ladies? I dunno.
Then again, we all cringe (despite cultural acceptance) at the occasional 'banana hammock.'
After trying on two suits - JUST TWO - I had a perpetual drip coming from my hair line and visible only to me. The dressing room was hot; my body noncompliant; and my deodorant too fresh to avoid white-washing every dark fabric that came into contact with my general upper arm region.
(*insert over-dramatic sigh)
Four suits later, I came out and greeted the old marm who had been waiting on me to select something. (I gathered that she heard me huffing and stomping in my dressing room for twenty minutes.)
I showed her one suit with deodorant already on it, proclaiming it was not mine (which I can't really say for certain) and asked if I could buy it anyway, perhaps with some help on how to get the marks off.
She obliged me.
I also bought the fully priced black ensemble, because of course that one fit - perfectly.
Go figure.
The bill came out to...well, I'm not going to say. I have the receipt. I have two bathing suits - one sans deodorant marks, one with. Both fit - I think.
Neither make me look 'hot' or what I would call remotely feminine, a term reserved only for the string bikini wearers out there.
(I graduated to tankini three years ago.)
Sidebar - the "tankini" is the fashion industry's answer to the nightmare that can be the "one piece" suit though honestly, depending on cut/style/approach, the impression is the same.
Ultimately, I made my purchases within the 30 minute time frame, but not without ruining my hair, my scent and sense of smell (Von Maur was unnaturally warm inside.), and a unprecedented 'delete' in my checking account. (I typically buy swimwear at www.JCrew.com)
Why does it make me sweat? You mean aside from inconvenience, range of difficulty, temperature, and cost? Frankly...it's the fact that we ladies have to wear them at all.
But more on that another time when I wax poetic on being pigmently challenged and women's body images. (*maniacal laughter)
Happy Sunning!
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