Familiar Rant: What is with Women & Public Bathrooms!?

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...

Women are gross.

Rather - they can be and prove to be on a regular basis, particularly when it comes to public restrooms.

I simply don't get it. We stand together, united in misery, as we endure long lines at ballgames, malls, museums, concerts, bars, etc...all complaining in unison about the wait and ultimately the disgusting condition of the bathroom once we 'get in.'

And yet, we do this to ourselves.
Note - not every single woman does or has the propensity to destroy a public bathroom, but frankly, enough of us are doing it that it's just plain ruining the experience for everyone - to the point where we're spending the entire time nose-plugging and delicately attempting to avoid skin-to-surface contact with damn near everything.

I've witnessed it first-hand and it's not always who you'd think it'd be.

About a year or so ago, I went to Snickerz Comedy Club in Fort Wayne with friends. While waiting in line to use the bathroom with about twenty other lady hopefuls, I watched as two well-dressed (think evening wear) and well-coiffed women exited their stalls and began to wash their hands in the sink.
Get this- rather than using the paper towels readily available near the sink (or maybe it was an air dryer), these two holier-than-thou fashionistas stood together, in front of all of us, and playfully made a show out of shaking their wet hands all over the sink, the mirror, the counter, etc.

What in the barbarity is that all about!? Why does anyone think that's okay!?

Now, when you wonder how any woman can get water and soap ALL OVER EVERYTHING so that there isn't a clean surface on which to set your purse, well blame it on these two. They make a sport of making a GD mess - laughing and flinging their filth water all over the place. And may I also add, that Snickerz is an over-21 club and these two exceeded my age (judging by wrinkle to style ratio) by about ten years!
(Sigh - I'm nearly 30 years old now.)

So there's answer number one. Some women think it's actually okay to splash everywhere despite being of mature age and competence. Think kindergarten in stilettos.

Secondly, WHAT IS WITH THE WAY SOME WOMEN USE THE BATHROOM!?
I want to know how in the world women can well, do their business, everywhere but in the toilet.
I hate using our office bathroom where it takes me anywhere from one to five attempts at a stall to find one remotely sanitary enough to use.
Women miss the waste basket placed especially there for their delicate use; miss the 'hole' where, I'm sorry, even in 'hovercraft mode,' you can still do it; or just plain leave their stench or mess for the next person.
Note - if it doesn't go down on the first kick to the flush handle, DO IT AGAIN!

Hovering is difficult a task enough and it's far worse to do so fearing a weakening calf muscle and plummeting in horror onto the excrement below. I mean, what happens if one actually does fall!? *Shudder.

And seat covers? Yeah right, that's good for a stray hair or two (which I don't get at all, but whatever), but does a lady really want that foulness seeping through the paper onto her rear?! NO!!!!

Seriously. I hate to be crass and rather open about this topic, but frankly, it's got to stop! If every woman took care to clean up after herself and by default, any of her children, then these bathrooms wouldn't be the modern day equivelant to an outhouse.

Or worse.

As Susan Powter once screamed, STOP THE INSANITY!

It's bad enough that we ladies have the eternal 'tough love' when it comes to bathroom-related procedures and by making a stanky, barbaric mess we only compound the natural issue it already is. (I mean, the divine powers did dictate that we sit rather than...!? Well?!)

I don't get it. I don't get bad manners in public in general, especially restroom behavior, and I certainly don't understand poor hygiene. I almost feel a sense of maternal responsibility when I observe women defaming the public bathroom. If we're truly the more feminine and delicate sex, then ACT LIKE IT dammit.
Quit flinging bodily whatevers around and throwing trash on the floor. Quit stuffing feminine hygiene products where they certainly don't belong (who is doing this!?) and masterfuly wash your hands, in WARM to HOT water!
Carry sanitary wipes in the event that the sink is a disaster as a back up plan so you can keep from infecting the world with the dissentary.

To add - to the woman (women) who keep feeling it's appropriate to bathe yourself in cologne or perfume in the bathroom - Just Don't.
We don't all like your scent and honestly, hosing down in Clinique Happy amidst the stench, well it just complicates an already torturous experience.

*Eyes water, tears emerge.

So, stop. Right where you are. Wash your hands. (I've seen some of you escape and return to work without doing this and yeah that's right, I sent my salad back because of it.)
Throw the diaper in the garbage can, NOT on the floor behind the toilet.
Sanitize the diaper changing station or hell, go do it in your car because we both know it's cleaner.
That is, if you can.
Flush 'til the water runs clean again. (Some gas station bathrooms, well...you do what you can.)
Wash your hands and gently shake them dry in the sink before drying them.
Maybe even try wiping up your own mess if you miss the sink.

Keep your purse on your shoulder if possible. Or hold it between your knees. Ever see that 20/20 about how much grime and bacteria live on the bottom of your clutch? Yep. True.

Flush the toilet seat cover or throw it away. I DON'T WANT YOURS.

Well, this is where I stop, because now I'm getting all worked up and realizing that my break is coming...and the bathroom here progressively growing stinky as the day goes on.

Ladies, act like the women we are designed to be or don't go at all. Hold it 'til your home or regress to potty training. I've seen toddlers handle the bathroom a lot better than you do!

Happy cleansing.

On particular relationships...

Most of the time we tend to focus on the relationships "that matter most," particularly when we use that term in conversation. You hear "relationship" and typically you think - spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, friendship, spiritual, etc.

But what often gets lost in the fray are those relationships, that until you step out of bounds or are reconnected with them, you tend to not think about all that much.

In the past 24 hours, I've noted three relationships that I certainly play a partner in that I too often take for granted until presented with something outside the bounds of 'the norm.'

First, I had dinner with a friend at Henry's last night. Instead of my usual table, where I sit nearly weekly now with my boyfriend, I joined my pal at the bar for dinner. To my surprise, the waitress (or server if you're socially conscious) rounded the corner of the bar and exclaimed: "Dana, you're cheating on me? With another bartender?!"

Our server at Henry's is awesome. She makes a point to remember our names; is conversational; and often interjects some valuable humor or insight into each dining (or drinking) experience. Truth is, I kind of love her for that. :) But it never occured to me that within that relationship exists a loyalty (ie. Dana at Henry's = always sit in her section).

She was very good-humored last night and we joked a bit about my sitting in another seat; but it got me thinking about relationships and how sometimes we aren't cognizant enough of our own roles within them.

I still love her a little. :)

Today, I got my hair trimmed up and lightened. Recently, I've been visiting a salon in Angola only when I'm up there and particularly because the stylists there are hometown acquaintances I feel know my hair and style likes/dislikes. I also go to Namaste salon for two other reasons: the cost/quality ratio and it gives me a great reason to visit my hometown and family.

However, I do work with stylists at home, here in Fort Wayne. I love them too. They do a great job and are friendly, just like those I visit back in Atown. Unfortunately, when the economy tanks (note - not 'this economy' as my phrase) I have to factor in cost as well.

But my relationship to my hair stylists is one of loyalty as well. For one, I feel a sense of guilt, say 'cheating,' every time I don't go to my familiar stylist in Fort Wayne or vice versa. I feel like I'm cheating, or worse, "seeing someone else on the side," when in fact, my whole goal is to still treat myself within the confines of my budget.

I've also changed stylists in the past or they've left for other opportunities and I recall feeling a sense of loss each time akin to "now who will I open up to?"

Getting your hair, nails, brows, etc. done is definitely much like dating. You go out in public with your hair done knowing that if you run into another stylist, he/she will know you've strayed. There's anxiety, risk, guilt, and of course the trust placed in the relationship that yields those feelings. (These professionals have irons and blades to your head and neck!)

You trust in them to not cut you, not wax too much, not burn your scalp, or accidently slice your neck moles off - so inevitably, the relationship is a serious one.

And the guilt and anxiety is most often on the customer because we want to please our stylists and make them our friends - not only because we don't want to be maimed (lol), but also because they become wonderful people with whom to share anywhere from 30-130 minutes of great conversation each time.

Ever get a bad haircut and fear telling the stylist? Did you tip her/him anyway? Bet ya did. Not only is the relationship sensitive enough that you harbor guilt and shame for not liking the end result, but that you actually feel compelled to over-compensate despite wanting your hair shaped up, a different color, or bottom line - it just doesn't look like what you'd hoped.

Relationship scenario here? "Do these pants make me look fat?" The answer is always "no" to this and when getting your style on, the answer is always "I love it." And you say so, because you like your stylist and want them to be just as happy with their work as they are you.

I know, sounds crazy, but it's true. :)

Lastly, after having my hair done last week, I went to my hometown dentist who I've been seeing for checkups since I was probably 12 years-old. Dr. Williams and his staff ALWAYS does a good job and I have what I would call a set of healthy, pretty chompers. Last fall, my employer changed dental insurance plans and my provider now covers less-to-zero with Dr. Williams' group. Hmmmm...I thought this through. I put off my annual checkup for nearly six months only to 'give in' and go back to his office despite the risk of added cost.

I mean, how can I switch dentists now?!
I owe Dr. Williams for my big smile and lack of gingivitis right? I can't cheat on the guy that always gave me an extra-soft toothbrush (which by the way, is damn near impossible to find in mainstream stores) and the shortened fluoride treatments. He's also the guy who tells me "You don't have yellowing teeth...you're just fair-skinned." How can you not appreciate a guy who says that when you know full well you drink a pot of full-flavored, dark roast every morning!? :)

I have a little anxiety about the impending bill.
But I never strayed in this relationship and I feel good about that.

So think about it...relationships are out there in various shapes and forms and sometimes it takes a little thinking and reflecting to realize just how many relationships you have! I've built relationships with car dealerships, non-profit organizations, work colleagues, nail technicians, sports teams, and on and on and on...

It's hard work you see, being faithful all the time in this respect.
Particularly when it crosses that line so often referred to as "the customer is always right."

Methinks no.

Two sides...

There are two sides to this coin - the incredulous commentator who posts here and the creative writer who documents life a bit more uniquely.

Just as a sidebar and for those who want to put 'two and two' together...

http://serendipityspirals.blogspot.com

A little more perspective the unnaturally curious mind.

Bon apres-midi.

Why Buying Bathing Suits Makes Me Sweat...

Like most women my age, I love to shop. I frequent the outlet malls, boutiques, and all locally famous merchandise monstrosities just like everyone else in hopes of landing a bargain - say a pair of name brand jeans for less than $20 or a bag-full from the Victoria Secret Semi-Annual Sale.

But...

Nothing makes me boil more than having to shop for swimsuits. (I nearly wrote swimming suits only to delete it thinking it's bad form to counter the normal Midwestern lingo.)

After my morning appointment, I stopped by Von Maur at Jefferson Pointe hoping to find a well-made swimsuit at a decent price before heading off to work. (Note - I had the luxury today of getting a lunch hour before 11 AM.)

My body temperature began to rise just in noting that Von Maur (and all other JP stores with exception to Barnes & Noble and Bed, Bath, and Beyond) doesn't open until 10:00 AM. That's a story for another day. By 10 AM, I had roamed the permimeter of the mall twice in 88 degree heat awaiting a precious 30 minute period in which I could buy a suit for an evening swimming date.

Yes, I know I'm crazy. I'm nodding with you here.

I entered the store promptly at 10 AM set on my mission and headed directly to the women's swimming section. As I perused the clearance rack (note: Von Maur clearance = GAP or JCrew full price cost), I realized that one reason this section was marked "Clearance" was because NONE of the tops and bottoms matched. Figures.

I grabbed a few that "would work" and glanced at the full price bathing suits. (Note: full price at Von Maur = $100+ per suit/top & bottom, priced separately.) I snagged a basic black one from this area noting the price only of the top and headed for the dressing room.

I think this is the part of the story where I should insert obliging and compassionate notations about the benefit of loving one's body "as is" and how "all women are beautiful in their own way" etc.
But I'm not going to do that. We've all heard it.

And none of us buy into that crap, particularly when we're shopping for bathing suits.
(I'm risking lumping the female gender into one note here, but forgive me if it's 'not you.')

Bathing suits suck no matter how you slice 'em. Inevitably, the top is too small or the bottoms too big or the fabric too stretchy or not stretchy enough or too revealing or too marmish or too lumpy or too stringy or there's too much boob or too little bum or too much belly to nonexistent fabric to flabbity arms to leg jiggle versus back fat versus thigh jiggle compounded by boob popping and....well you get the point.

Bathing suit shopping sucks. Especially in a 30 minute window.
Makes me wonder how men get off so easily (pun not intended here) by only having to wear 'swimming trunks' which are realistically big baggy shorts. Who made baggy shorts hot on men and hideous on ladies? I dunno.
Then again, we all cringe (despite cultural acceptance) at the occasional 'banana hammock.'

After trying on two suits - JUST TWO - I had a perpetual drip coming from my hair line and visible only to me. The dressing room was hot; my body noncompliant; and my deodorant too fresh to avoid white-washing every dark fabric that came into contact with my general upper arm region.

(*insert over-dramatic sigh)

Four suits later, I came out and greeted the old marm who had been waiting on me to select something. (I gathered that she heard me huffing and stomping in my dressing room for twenty minutes.)
I showed her one suit with deodorant already on it, proclaiming it was not mine (which I can't really say for certain) and asked if I could buy it anyway, perhaps with some help on how to get the marks off.
She obliged me.

I also bought the fully priced black ensemble, because of course that one fit - perfectly.
Go figure.

The bill came out to...well, I'm not going to say. I have the receipt. I have two bathing suits - one sans deodorant marks, one with. Both fit - I think.
Neither make me look 'hot' or what I would call remotely feminine, a term reserved only for the string bikini wearers out there.
(I graduated to tankini three years ago.)

Sidebar - the "tankini" is the fashion industry's answer to the nightmare that can be the "one piece" suit though honestly, depending on cut/style/approach, the impression is the same.


Ultimately, I made my purchases within the 30 minute time frame, but not without ruining my hair, my scent and sense of smell (Von Maur was unnaturally warm inside.), and a unprecedented 'delete' in my checking account. (I typically buy swimwear at www.JCrew.com)

Why does it make me sweat? You mean aside from inconvenience, range of difficulty, temperature, and cost? Frankly...it's the fact that we ladies have to wear them at all.

But more on that another time when I wax poetic on being pigmently challenged and women's body images. (*maniacal laughter)

Happy Sunning!

Greetings from the Brink...

Welcome to the brink, friends!

This is my first honest, unadulterated, and focused blog since Myspace circa 2007. Consider it a revival with a little more "snap and pop" than the first one. Gone are the sentimental niceties applied for placating scorned Myspace friends and here to stay are my tried and true perspectives on life as some of us live it here in Fort Wayne, Indiana and the surrounding communities.

And more realistically, you get a no-holds-barred depiction of what it's like to be a 29 year-old (aka damn near 30) professional woman living on the fringes of the conservative Bible belt and ultimately surviving - marginally scarred. (*insert nervous laugh)

So welcome friends, colleagues, family members, critics, nay-sayers, arch-nemesises, etc! Enjoy!

To kick this off, much as I've done in the past, I leave you with this quote:

"Women who behave seldom make history."