On Turning 30 Part II: The Adolescent Part

I suppose when you become 30 years-old, you're officially embarking on "middle aged." I'm not so sure about that. I think if this is true, then where do all the 'mid-life crises' come from or why do people like me still get acne? To me, I think turning 30 years-old is the equivalent to being back in middle school or embracing yet one more of life's adolescent, pubescent stages. You're faced with the merging together of a young past and an impending older age phase where you have to start considering the value of your 401K and if you're super fortunate like I am, AARP already has you on their mailing list. Talk about the compression of two reality checks!

First of all, people turning 30 are starting to realize that 'the party's over.' It's not nearly as cool to dress up like a skank and troll the bars until 4 am. Now when you hit the club, you're the old marm sitting at the bar and not the one getting your swerve on on the dance floor. And really, the bars you like are now the seedier, quieter ones where you can hear a good band, talk to your closest friends and wear comfortable clothes, even if it does feel a little like 'don't touch me armor.'

And let's face it, you're now a beer snob. Or a wine snob. Or a whiskey snob. Keystone and Ice House don't taste like they used to (did they ever taste at all?) and you're well past drinking an un-reciped concoction out of garbage can - who cares if Harry Buff brought the stuff? Boxed wine and Boon's Farm is now a perpetual joke and you can rib-poke your buddies laughing about how you used to drink Mad Dog 20/20 and how at one time it was 'good sh*t.' (No, it never was either.)

Instead you're sipping cabernet from a real wine glass (not a plastic one) or full flavored import out of the bottle because it tastes much better than what comes in the can.

And when I say the party's over, I don't mean the 30-somethings don't have fun, but we all understand the value of sleep now. Staying up all night or getting less than four hours of sleep is no longer possible. It yields a late shift or a sick day, or if everyone is unfortunate, your day to make others miserable at the office.
Eye bags can't be helped at this point and no amount of 'roid cream can tame them. Without your 6-8 hours, you're puffy, raggedy, and a real nasty ass to be around. It's that simple. So if you care about your family, friends, peers, colleagues...you try to 'call it' before midnight when possible.

Your body is kicking into a new gear right along side the party changes too and this is where it gets super complicated. For women, if we have kids, we have resigned ourselves to perpetually hating what that birth process put there forever, be it chunk in the trunk, or cellulite or a fat pack. Whatever. The cool thing about this change in life is that you have your children and can transition from body-image beast to doting mother.
(No seriously, I think this is how it should be if that's your case.)

Those of us without children, yet have the scars, the fat pack, the cellulite, the extra 20, well...we're just plain pissed because we earned it the selfish way. Or the lazy way. And it's more frustrating because those starvation diets that worked ten years ago don't apply now because your biological core has said, 'time's up for crazy fad crap. You lifestyle change or it's over - double digit sizes for good.'

And for women, the whole experience is compounded by the merging of biological phases and both aren't quite ready to give up yet. For instance, this is the time for hag hairs and dark circles, even the beginning of forehead wrinkles and yet you still fight acne, brush oily hair, and have to shave your legs. (unless you're a man and just don't need to do those things) :) And to make matters worse, your reproductive cycle is now out of whack and you're going through what every man went through back in high school when it comes to sex. How this transitions to cougar status, I don't know yet.

How are we supposed to feel? Men have their own issues, I'm sure. I just know the woman part a bit more intimately.

And if you're a woman, this clashing and thrashing of physiological and social changes makes you a walking, talking bomb of emotion. You need only light a match in a thirty mile radius and it's 'go time.' Suddenly, the littlest incidents and matters become cataclysmic and wait for it, you make irrational the newest fashion state.

It's the battle that will wage over the next 20 years, "I'm too young to be old, but I'm too old to be young" phase. We near-30s can't really hang with the young 20s and fit in yet we're not ready for 4 pm dinners and if you're a professional, you're not gonna be the CEO yet.

If you're in college, you're positioned in what I consider tantamount to that "I have no desire to talk in class so I'm going to pretend to take notes to fit in" part. You revert from the enthusiasm of discussion or ass-clowning that made you popular before and really, you're not ready to tap out yet either. However, your position in life has forced you to become a part of not one, but two generations and you have very little bandwidth for hearing at all, let alone making class lectures a priority.
You're too busy balancing your work load, children, and social life. The rest of your time is spent worrying about the former three along with your physical and emotional state which you constantly have to check against what everyone else is doing.

Unless you're 30 year-old expert. And if you are, call me.

The 30s and near-30s are smack dab in that crevice that separates the family people from the professional people and the 'both people' really don't weigh in until 35 when all the emotional crap is starting to subside and the path has been somewhat smoothed by those who fell before them.
(Note - this is my unchecked, unsolicited perception, nothing more.) :)

I gotta say, this whole turning 30 thing scares me to death. I have the emotional tolerance I had at 15 or 16 and yet, I have the responsibilities of a 40something. I feel like I'm perpetually playing dress-up and can't really find a costume or outfit that fits perfectly. It's reminiscent of those days in middle school when I still wasn't quite sure I was a girl until someone smacked me on the behind or whistled in my direction. At the time, I was still considering tomboy as a lifestyle which by the way, isn't the decision I made.

And I'm glad for that.

Turning 30 is a rocky time. You start questioning your decisions and yet you challenge every decision and option you had up to this point. It's the pivot point on the see-saw, your second shot at puberty. And you better make up your mind before you wake up and it's 40. (Ladies, that's the last biological tick time by the way.)

I have to tell you, honestly, I didn't think turning 30 would be a big deal for me. I can laugh about a lot of the indecisive, push-pull situations I encounter as I age, but I have found that it affects me a lot more than I'd like it to affect me. Conversations about children and careers and home life take on a heightened meaning, but that heightened state doesn't make much sense yet. I find myself questioning every decision I make, even the right ones. (Do I eat the rest of the M&Ms? Yes or no....NO.) :)
And I've started re-evaluating how people perceive me, if I am giving off the right vibes or the best impression. I've become suddenly introverted and quiet where I used to be more of a live-wire. Hmmm...

My goodness, when is it really okay not to care what other people think?! Ha ha.

And so I'm hoping that as my 30th approaches, that I'll get some of this figured out. Maybe figure out where I'm headed in a grander scheme, not just "after work, then yoga, then dinner, then study,..." and so on.

I'm at the place where the To Do list has to expand and yet, I'm not ready to change my insurance policies or buy a Buick. :) I also don't want to watch The Hills or Twitter much either. Hmmm...wait, stop...what lies between?

To me, it seems a bit of a chasm awaiting fodder for fun, discussion, and memories. And most of us are just poised to make it happen.
:)

On Turning 30: Part I - Reciprocity

In less than one month, I will turn 30 years-old. I have decided that now is the best time to write a series coined "On Turning 30." Appropriate? I think so. Over the past several months, turning over this milestone blasted to the forefront of my brain and has made everything in life seem just a bit more poignant. I remember last year saying "Thirty? No big deal. Age is a state of being." By the way, that's crap.

When a woman is about to become 30 years-old, it sets off a mindset that can somewhat shadow everyday experiences - rather - sheds a little emotional cast on things like getting groceries, going to work, driving, relationships, friendship, etc... Part one is dedicated to what I call relationship reciprocity. I've discussed this before, but as I age, my position on its necessity and importance is more serious.

Reciprocity? For those new to the concept, this means sharing, a balance set amongst or between people. It's at the core of the feng shui in any given circumstance. Let's start at the beginning...

In life, there are givers and there are takers, the latter being the easiest to define first. Why? Well, they TAKE. Whatever energy exists out there by opportunity, they seize it. Find a dollar on the sidewalk? It's theirs. You have five minutes? They'll talk. "Anyone want the other half of my sandwich?" Gone. It's that simple. These are the carpe diem people. To a degree, self-motivated and self-centered, they have to be respected because they have the innate ability to prioritize themselves, and to their credit, near or at the top, of their responsibility list. They're not out there waiting for an offer, they're just flat-out taking it. Takers aren't necessarily jerks, they're just tuned in to what they want and make that priority number one.

The yang of this equation are the givers. (Christian upbringing? You're more likely to be a giver unless some friendly atheist steered you oppositely.)

Givers are a breed of people who well, don't take. Or if they take, they take infrequently and usually take the smallest piece. The dollar on the sidewalk? They've turned it in or donated it. Your five minutes? They're all ears. Other half of a sandwich? Nah, they're not hungry. Givers are out there taking pride and joy in donating parts of themselves all over the place for the 'greater good' or the 'good of someone else.' They tend to live simply, require little of people, and take their time earning achievements. They pride 'fairness' and 'justice' and 'peace.' Unfortunately, the "I" in this equation is so far buried on the 'to do list' that givers tend to neglect themselves. They don't sleep, take personal time, or really say 'stop' when the time comes.

They make shitty managers, by the way. They're too busy worrying about how to help everyone else on the team.

What's the point? Every relationship - be it friendship, romantic, work, etc...is comprised of givers and takers. What has struck me as I approach 'middle age,' is just how much this affects whether or not any imbalance works or doesn't work in any given situation. Allow me to use an example that's close to home...

My sister and I are born and raised 'givers.' Told at an early age, "You don't hate anyone," and "Do unto others," we have both prided ourselves on being conscientious and the first to 'rush in and save someone' when needed. In school, we were the counselors for our friends. (I made this into a career, by the way.) As adults, we've found that always being reliable and responsible has gotten us, well, about 1 foot ahead of where we both were in high school. We're still the ones people want to talk to about their problems; still the ones who order the least expensive menu items; still the ones who hold our tongue for the sake of a situation...and so on. Know what? All that's earned us is one big whopping pound of resentment and frustration.

You see, givers have 'taker tendencies' only they're waiting the 'big pay off.' They're waiting to win the lottery; get the big promotion; have the rock star life by waiting patiently and doing for others, hoping it will, as they say, 'go around and come around.' Well dammit, I'm still waiting.

Does that mean the takers are perfect? Well hell no, but I have to respect their natural instinct for caring for themselves first and foremost. What my sister and I have both learned is that in doing for others our entire lives (up to this point) is that very few people really know us. People aren't compelled to ask us questions, we're too busy listening and they're too busy talking. They're not compelled to help us out with projects because well, we've already done them and submitted the finish product to everyone else for approval.

Do I have a point? I thought so when I started this blog entry, but what I have learned is the importance of balance. It becomes more significant as we age. We all want to be loved and accepted and treated as we would treat other people. And it doesn't always happen. What I've found as I reach 3.0, is that it's better to have fewer friends and more rewarding, balanced relationships than anything else. I don't' care if I do have over 300 friends on Facebook or Myspace, there are less than 100 that know me well. Less than 10 I'd call in an emergency or rely on for help. It's less about fitting in than it is about what you can get and give in relationships as you become an adult.

As I age, I'm more concerned with respect and reciprocity in relationships than anything else. I want the support of my peers and the balance in the three primary relationship facets of my life. To me, this starts with spending quality time with me (alone) and quality time with those upon whom I can depend. Perhaps you go through this yourself? I think we all do, despite age.

And I'm finding, the less I fit in, the better. I still like to give, but I now make a concerted effort to do so when I feel good about it, not just to help someone who is just going to ask me again, for help.

And for takers, it hurts a little when someone isn't there to accommodate. And for givers, it sucks that much more when you realize that once you stop giving, a relationship ends completely because the other party, well disappears.
Quick anecdote:
I had a friend once, someone I genuinely cared for and respected. I was on her speed dial for emergencies. We shared fun times. We had a blast at parties and shared mutual interests. Thing was, I made all the social plans. I set up all the conversations. I asked all the questions. One day, I stopped. Just to see what would happen.

She hasn't called me since.

C'est la freaking vie, as they say. :)

But we learn from it. Ideally, we're all a little part-giver, part-taker. We all contribute and we all take away. Check yourself.
What's your percentage?


I'm curious.

Part II to come...soon. :)