Greetings from Planet Indiana! I thought I'd continue in the spirit of my previous blog today. My disclaimer here is that a) I am a woman and thus more frequently than not, piss myself off, and b) well, this blog is meant to be a tad tongue-in-cheek and by no means are men exempt from my path of consternation and frustration. (*winks)
What bothers me about Midwestern women this week is nothing short of the trivial. In my previous blog, I touched on our tendency to predatory protectiveness; our nasty back-biting, gossipy, middle school politics; and inability to just plain be direct. Bottom line - we're competitive, like it, but are conditioned to be ashamed of it be it by our mothers, or this lilac-scented doctrine we all believe exists, but likely doesn't. (Barf.)
Anyhoo... the following things I've noticed about Midwestern women (think tri-state area specifically) that make me crazy are as follows. Enjoy! It's meant to give you a laugh...
1. We ACTUALLY buy floral-printed, obnoxiously loud, cloth handbags and call it fashion. We literally fight one another (the only time I've been hit with a 2-ton garbage bag) at this flipping annual sale so we can buy fifteen Cherub Pink duffel bags. I've seen more brutality and cat fighting here than any small town, biker bar.
And to the woman who informed me that the 'display table' items were ALL HERS? Oh...My...Gosh. Take 'em. They're yours. I'd rather keep my fingers and eyes in place, thank you. Eeek.
2. We paint our toenails, talk on our cell phones, text, brush our hair, read a book, and change our iTunes channels while driving. Sometimes we have children in the backseat. And we wonder why our husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers, all yell "I'll drive," when we're about to go out together. HELLO!
(Please note, I have clinically self-diagnosed, unbridled road rage. Take that for what it's worth.)
And when we're over 80 years old, we try to multitask and drive with cataracts and six phone books under our rears so we can hope to view oncoming traffic.
3. We pierce our belly buttons. Still. That's so 1998.
4. A Coach bag is a somehow an Indiana status-symbol. Ladies, we have outlets for that up here. A $250 purse is nothing in LA or New York. Buy for style, comfort, and function. Otherwise, you're shortchanging yourself over the letter C. And the cool Coach bags are the ones that don't have Cs emblazened all over them.
5. We constantly talk about diet and exercise like we're experts, just haven't 'gone jogging' or 'been back to the yoga studio' in a long time. Ladies, admit it. We sometimes sit in front of the TV and eat Oreos by the handful. It happens. Quit justifying the dimples in your thighs. The men aren't even looking there yet. (Ha ha!)
6. We actually watched Twilight.
Now, I'm SORRY, but that movie was a dumper. I can't speak to the books and I know lots of women love them, but the film...come on! That movie is class A high school stuff and if you're over 18, well... (Moms who watched Twilight with their children are exempt.)
And no, I DO NOT feel I have to justify my appreciation for Spongebob Squarepants. Now THAT's middle of the road, adult and child-friendly fun!
7. We scoff at each other for stupid reasons. "She doesn't have kids." "She's a stay-at-home mom." "She gained weight." "She had the most hideous shirt on." "She actually took him back." Etc Etc.
Why do we hate on each other all the time? That's right!
We're insecure.
And honestly, I'm guilty too. WE REALLY NEED TO BE EMPOWERED and quit comparing ourselves with other women. Think of all that time lost and the wrinkles earned!
8. We start sh*tstorms amongst each other.
More of us should take yoga, meditate, go to church, pray, or self-evaluate.
I have a list going...
9. Sometimes, we smell bad.
(Come on! Laugh!)
Ever been to a ladies' room? Ever smelled about six of us coming straight from the Macy's perfume aisle? (and note-we likely got hosed against our will) Ever been to Bath and Body Works for more than ten minutes?
Yep. We smell bad sometimes.
Workout smell doesn't count. That's just not fair. Guys get that too.
10. We try to be like our daughters. Or we think we're on The Hills. Or The OC. Or Friends. Or My Super Sweet 16.
WE ARE NOT those women.
We do NOT want to be those women.
Those women have a whole other set of issues we don't.
11. We think the guys are the only ones responsible for birth control. Wrong. Yeah, we have the short end of the stick (pardon my language), but it takes two to either make or not make a baby. (And babies are wonderful too!) Don't get me started on the 'man trap' philosophy.
12. On the flip side, we let guys be the boss of us.
STOP THAT too!
13. We are too delicate to kill a bug, change a tire, climb a mountain, play a game, or eat ribs.
That's just insanity.
Just do it.
(Thank you, Nike.)
We can make the money; climb the mountain; get the job; volunteer; eat the bug; change a rib (ok, maybe not); etc. Self-reliance is awesome. And hot.
14. We pout.
It's cute for about five minutes.
It gets ugly when we call three of our friends to spread it.
15. We wear granny panties.
Now this is one I can't fathom. Those are of the 'mom jean' and 'toe-truck' fame. No woman can rock grannies, real grannies, well. Invest in some cute, comfortable underthings. Guarantee you can feel sexy while cleaning up mashed Cheerios or doing payroll. You don't have to buy 'em in celophane 6packs anymore. I promise.
Wishing you a beautiful weekend, ladies! Laugh with me. We have a lot to be happy about too!
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