Lately...

I haven't posted here for several months, but my fitness goals are the same and I'm doing well. That said, life has had a way of getting away from me and while those ways have been positive, my blog has been completely neglected. I'm sorry about that. For all two of you readers, my apologies. ;-)


Here are a few photos to clue you in on the goings-on here. I'll be back soon.

Happy Spring!!!

It's a New Year...and I've Already Cried Like a Sissy Once

It's January and 'tis the season for all of those physical fitness resolutions! I experienced a relatively mature New Year's Eve (see: not hungover on New Year's Day) and I remember thinking: My goals for 2012 = goals for 2011. I didn't know whether to feel confident in a continued mission or super sad knowing I hadn't gotten all THAT far into my 2011 goals.
Hmph. I felt conflicted.

So, a few days later, I tried to think about everything I DID accomplish in 2011 as it relates to my fitness goals: I consulted with and started working with a trainer (check!); I began watching for bad patterns in my diet (check!); I ran two 4-mile races and didn't die (check!); and I've stayed pretty committed to buying healthy foods for my home (check!). While thinking of these little victories, I got to feeling a bit cocky.
I added: seeing muscle definition and getting stronger (check!)

And then...

I went to the gym this week to work with a trainer I see once a week for help with my weight loss goals. I have a standing appointment with her as well as work with some other professionals on getting this goal of mine accomplished. Her workouts are tough, but to be fair, I'm paying her kick my ass.

And she did this week.

My confident, happy, "We're really doin' it, Har," balloon - POPPED.
(SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS)

When I went to my appointment, I confess I was feeling a little vulnerable anyway given a nasty cold bug and new, tougher stress at work, but the gym (despite its ass-kicking qualities) usually makes me feel good. This time, I experienced what I call "My MTV True Life nancy-ass kid break down moment."
Seriously.

Mind you, I'm a grown-ass woman. Not a kid.

The first "blow" to my ego was the weigh-in and measurement-taking. Thinking my work (see: only 3 days a week and only a few months into a program) was going to show in inches, I was horrified and truthfully, really really embarrassed to find my weight went up and that my inches were either bigger or the same depending on the appendage. I stood there in my tight gym clothes listening to the trainer tell me it may be my clothes or holidays and thinking: "No, I've just been sucking at this for the past two months." I did a mental check and noted that my clothes would have helped - they couldn't be any tighter - and promised myself to do better.
I bit my lip and went to the gym to work out.

Big girls don't cry AT the gym.
Right?!

Anyway...during the workout, my cold, my now-wavering emotional stronghold, and my overall dismay with my initial results began to buck against my body's willingness to cooperate. I was sweating profusely (and of course noting that no one else seemed to be hot mess like me) and coming to a staggering realization during a particular exercise "Damn, my body is heavy." As in, I can't lift myself. Not Heavy as in "I think I'm Fat," Heavy in the literal sense. I started doing some mental math and began generally inwardly abusing myself.

I think at one point, my brain said "Dana, I hate you."
I know, very very middle school dramatic.
Very unhealthy.
I was shocked by my own power to put myself down.
Truly.

I confess, during the work out, I cried a little.
I tried to hide it as sweat.
I'm not sure it worked. My trainer was kind and didn't say anything.

Afterward, I went to my car, got in, and cried like a sissy girl child for five minutes and then cough-cried during my drive home. I can't say that I'm proud of it.
I made all kinds of promises to myself and I made all kinds of commitments in my head before pulling myself back together. (I even called myself a few names.)
I know, I'm super mean. To myself.

The next day, I woke up thinking: Wow, that whole episode was ridiculous. Not only is it unhealthy to emotionally berate yourself during a workout, but it's worse to condone that kind of thinking - even if it's private and even if no one hears it.
Insane. That's the word I used.
:-)

Becoming fitter and healthier and an overall great human being is to nurture not just the physical, but the emotional too. I needed to reset, regroup, and refocus on a) why I was doing this and b) how I could improve and c) while not letting disappointment send me into a shit spiral. Those spirals are what can send a girl right for the gallon of ice cream anyway, right?
Right.

And so, I've made this week (not January 1) my point of reassessing and focusing further on my fitness goals. So far, so good. Nothing in the big goal picture has changed, but my approach has. I'm not going to hate myself for what I can't quite do now, I'm going to celebrate what I am doing and that I haven't given up.

I'm wearing a bikini this summer. Mark my words.
:-)

Why am I posting this? Sure, it is uncomfortable and it certainly makes me a bit vulnerable to criticism, but I think many of us have been here. Becoming healthier is not just about looking great, it's about feeling great too - about loving yourself - so you can move forward and make progress.

In other news, I read an article that states that a Size 6 is now considered plus-sized.
Get the F outta here!?
I don't believe it.

Happy New Year.

I'm Working Out & Eating Like I Don't...

For the past two months, I've been working out with a personal trainer and eating like a chubster would at their local Dairy Queen (wait a minute...have YOU tried the peppermint Blizzard yet!?) Let's face it, I ate the Blizzard on Sunday and even though it was a mini size (thank you for that), I left the DQ filled with guilt. I also experienced guilt over those slices of pizza and the toffee candy I just popped in my mouth two minutes go.

Needless to say, this abominable "nutrition plan" has complemented my work out plan like Jeggings would compliment Kathy Bates. It doesn't work. Sure, I'm working out 3-4 days a week and hitting the gym hard, thanks to a trainer who is simply "no nonsense" and takes my grunts and groans as "Oooh, she must like this! Ten more seconds in the plank position."
BAH!

But to be fair, the trainer's help is awesome and I'm learning a lot about what my body can and could do with a little more discipline and more time spent on improvement. I'm torching calories and toning up, but I'm losing ZERO weight.

That's right people: ZERO pounds. In TWO months.
ZERO.

Last week, during a training appointment, I had my measurements taken. I've lost inches in the funniest places:
3/4 inches off one of my legs. (Yes, you read that properly - I have a fat leg and a skinny leg.)
1/4 inches off my waist
3/4 inches off my neck (I couldn't believe this either. I had inches to lose in my neck!)

This is me being honest - The above report SUCKS.

Talk about being disappointed in myself. In past years, if I wanted to lose weight, I'd go low-carb and that'd be the end of it. Ten pounds would peel off in no time flat and I'd simply work out more. Now?
It's not that simple anymore. I'm working with professionals who encourage me to eat following the low-glycemic index and who believe that progress should be slow-going.
(Sigh)

And to further that honesty - the scale hasn't budged because I'm a big wuss about the nutrition part of it and have allowed myself into too many scenarios when I'm starving and running for cold pizza for breakfast. To be fair, I haven't been eating junk all the time, but I certainly haven't been watching my diet or really following the directions. In short, I've been working out so I can eat. This - proven here - does nothing but allow me to stay the same size and the same poundage.

This isn't why I'm doing this.
I have goals.
Or rather, I thought I did. Someone needs to explain the goals again to my brain, because it's my brain that doesn't get that I can't eat whatever the hell I want and still fit into bikini. (Did I mention that goal? I'd like to wear a bikini again. Someday. I haven't worn one since 1998. Not.Kidding.)

I know I'm being hard on myself, but I've fallen into the self-destructive eating pattern when I should be listening to the pros and just doing it; just eating what they prescribe, because who better to know what works than a professional?
I certainly can't be trusted on my own!

So it's accountability time again. Here's where I'm going wrong lately. (Don't worry, I'll follow it up with some accomplishments.) :-)

1. I'm eating like calories and portions don't really matter.
2. Snacks are replacing meals. I've been busier than I've ever been before (w/ stressful situations, work, and holidays) and I'm eating on the go all the time.
3. I'm eating out a lot. A LOT. And usually when I'm too hungry.
4. I'm eating too much processed food and not enough fruit and vegetables. I haven't been cooking at home much or packing my lunch properly for work.
5. I've been giving in to peer pressure.
6. I've been too hard on myself when I should have just picked myself back up and forged ahead, wiser.
7. I've ONLY been working out 3-4 days a week. This is not enough.
8. Stress has taken over where common sense used to be.
9. Holiday baking. Hrmph.
10. I have an unrealistic vision of what a 'portion' is.

There. It's out in the open. I suck with the nutrition part of my plan. This doesn't mean I can't fix it. I will. I am.
Writing this blog is a part of that and I know I'm pretty critical of myself, but at the same time, I can't just ignore my behavior. If I want to reach my goals, then I have to get over some of my food demons. Otherwise, I'm going to let my trainer down and ultimately, myself down.
No one likes a quitter. And no one likes a whiner.

And to get out of the whine part of this blog, here is what IS going well:

1. I did lose inches. That's a plus.
2. I'm stronger and I can see emerging muscle tone. Strength training is turning my body into a fight-worthy machine. You may wanna mess with me, but you shouldn't mess with me. ;-)
3. I like my work outs. (even though they hurt - a lot)
4. I'm still committed to this.
5. I haven't been binge eating. No buckets of chicken for one or anything like that. I've abstained from fast food especially for the most part.
6. People close to me notice my body is firmer and tighter. The compliments I've received are nice.
7. I'm STILL DOING THIS! I'm NOT quitting!
8. Did I mention that I did hold that plank for another ten seconds! Yes, yes I did. Thank YOU very much!
9. My clothes fit well. Same size. Better fit.
10. I'm not naive or blindly blocking out reality. I know what needs to be done to move forward into 2012.

So you see, amidst the recent failures, I have some reasons to celebrate and keep going. That's a plus. And I'm adjusting my goals a little so I can chart my victories, big or small, this year:

1. Lose the appropriate amount of pounds for my height/frame. (Me and my trainer know what this number is.)

2. Get comfortable being ME. And get comfortable with the emerging me.

3. Talk more; eat less. (If you've ever gone out to dinner with me, you know this one.)

4. Celebrate all the reasons to treat my body with love and respect. Oh yeah, and actually treat my body with love and respect. ;-)

5. Give up on unrealistic expectations I've always secretly held onto.

6. Quit comparing myself to other people. I'm not them; they're not me. I may be bigger, but they may have bad breath or outstanding warrants.

;-)

You get the picture. And I apologize if my blog sounds the same and it sways back and forth between being exuberant over a race to self-deprecating over a weight gain or a set-back, but you know what people?

That's life.

My life.

So hang on with me or get outta the way.

Merry Christmas.
Happy New Year!

Still Running...

Hello! Some time has gone by since my last post, but as you can see from this awesome group Turkey-Day photo, I'm still running!

On Thanksgiving morning (aka my birthday), two good friends and I ran a turkey trot (4 mile). It was cold; it was hilly; it was worth it.

My time hasn't improved much, in fact, I gained a minute from the September race, but considering this course was far hillier than the first, I'm not shocked.

It was a good "get your booty in gear" start to the holiday and it kicked off a great day spent with friends - one where I wasn't feeling guilty all day for eating snacks and butter-laden casseroles.

I don't have another run scheduled yet and I'm dedicating this winter to becoming fitter, leaner, and hopefully, faster. Yes, I can run several miles, but well, not at all quickly.
I've added the help of a personal trainer and am hoping that helps me reach some goals between now and the spring time, when I hope to be able to do at least a 10K.

Here's me - really glad to be done!
------------------------------>

Just check out that crazy ponytail!

Talk about making your birthday count. I could have slept in and really relaxed. No way. I've got too much riding on this whole fitness thing. :-)

This race was family-friendly (see: Big Turkey mascot) and though not as well attended as the September Fort4Fitness, it brought in a crowd of over 3,000 to the small, quaint University of Saint Francis area.

Back to the regular fitness programming...

I've been working with a trainer for about a month now. Sadly, I haven't seen any pounds lost, but have gained some muscle definition and feel a lot stronger and healthier.
(Well, except for this week's bout of the stomach flu.)

I confess, watching the scale jump manically between 5-10 pound weight gains and losses each week makes me feel crazy. However, my clothes fit; I feel good (most of the time); and I have to be making progress. Somewhere.
My workouts have gone from once or twice a week to sometimes 4-5. My training appointments hold me accountable for three of those days, which is awesome, and those appointments make me excited to work out alone. :-)
(Wait, that's not exactly how I meant it...)

My diet?
Still needs work. Big time. I'm considering going back to low-carb, but it's too soon on this program to just give up on the new whole grains.

I hope to check in more frequently, but I've gotten caught up in the living part of this and not the documenting and I'm still trying to balance it out.




Happy Holidays!

Hashimoto's: How can something that sounds awesome, be so terrible?

A week ago, I had a six-month follow up with my endocrinologist, who confirmed officially that I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, which according to Wikipedia is: an autoimmune disease in which the thyroid gland is gradually destroyed by a variety of cell- and antibody-mediated immune processes. I've known for nine years that I am hypothyroid, meaning my thyroid gland moves and produces metabolic hormones at the speed of dial-up Internet. What I didn't know was that the cause was a slow, methodical attack upon myself.

I don't know about you, but Hashimoto sounds like a Japanese warrior name - conjuring words like brave, indestructible, and all things that means conquer and success. What it means - destroy destroy destroy.

The symptoms that come with hypothyroidism and Hashimoto's are as follows:

• Fatigue and sluggishness
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation
• Pale, dry skin
• A puffy face
• Hoarse voice
• An elevated blood cholesterol level
• Unexplained weight gain — occurring infrequently and rarely exceeding 10 to 20 pounds, most of which is fluid
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness, especially in your shoulders and hips
• Pain and stiffness in your joints and swelling in your knees or the small joints in your hands and feet
• Muscle weakness, especially in your lower extremities
• Excessive or prolonged menstrual bleeding (menorrhagia)
• Depression

Pretty awesome, huh?

Diagnosed and treated (like mine), Hashimoto's isn't life-threatening; it's really just a constant struggle to diminish and avoid weight gain and a generally uncomfortable existence.
Many women have it. Many don't know.
Many people have other hormone or endocrine-related illnesses and chalk it up to inability to lose weight or depression.

It's not that simple.

Why I am telling you this now? Recently, I made a big deal about getting on the right track to fitness and health and right in the middle of that energy, I experienced what I call a "thyroid flare" or "attack," meaning my thyroid hormone levels suddenly went off balance. In short, it's a period when the thyroid hormone replacement therapy isn't dosed quite right or my thyroid has a period of its own frenzy. In short, despite some heft efforts, I've gained weight and have lapsed into a phase of complete frustration.

Not depression. Frustration.
See all those symptoms above? Think of those, all the time, for weeks at a time, in exaggerated form.

The result? I'm pretty pissed off.
My response?

Get a trainer to kick my ass on a weekly basis and kick my grief over how I feel into motivation to fight anything getting in my way.
The result?
I halted the weight gain. I'm getting better work outs.
But I feel miserable. I'm actually losing my hair. (Thank God it's thick hair!)

The doc tells me I'm at the point where the thyroid gland really just doesn't work all that much anymore and occasionally will sputter and confuse my body into some hormonal chaos, but in short, I'm on hormone replacement therapy - FOR LIFE.

Fun.

And I really have to watch what I eat from now on. No excuses. No sneaking. No whining about not being able to stick to it or lack of self-control. With each bad choice, I'm freaking my body out.

So rather than being pissed off and sad and giving up, I'm going all warrior style and fighting back this ridiculousness. I may never be tiny or gain much feeling back in my extremities during the winter, but I don't have to take this BS.
If anything, my diagnosis is the added kick in the pants that I've needed in addition to a trainer. It's not enough to try feebly and talk fitness, it's got to be coupled with serious action.

What does this mean - serious action?
Well, it means working out a lot harder than before. It means actually making sure I take all of my supplements (prescribed by the good doc) and it means not letting my lifestyle (or penchant for salty snacks) destroy the progress I made over the past few months.
(When I was first diagnosed, I was nearly 200 lbs. I'm never going back there.)

Speaking of supplements, some interesting tidbits that come with Hashimoto's, at least, for me:
I'm completely deficient in Vitamin D3 and B5 (pantothenic acid - which is usually found in starving people in 3rd world countries)
I need to take fish oil (eeeewww).
I need to eat almonds (10 a day).
I'm supposed to eat a low glycemic/Greek diet.
(Yay for olive oil and red wine!) :-)

Maybe you're thinking that this isn't such a big deal; grand scheme of things, probably not. However, some of the big issues that come with hypothyroidism and Hashimoto's (particularly when symptoms aren't controlled): clinical depression, infertility, risk of requiring thyroid surgery, goiter, or thyroid cancer.

I'm not ^ there. Now.
Thank goodness.

But! It's something to keep in mind when you hear someone saying they have a sluggish thyroid or that a thyroid issue is countering their ability to feel good or lose weight. It's not an excuse; it's real. It makes reaching a fitness goal infuriating from time to time, especially when you can't control a lousy butterfly-shaped gland.
Ugh!
Maddening.

I'll tell you this though - there are a lot of worse illnesses and people who have larger struggles. The theme here is:

Be a warrior; Don't give up.
Ever.

The Usual Suspects...

Getting fit is tough work. If I've learned anything in the past few months, it's that consistency is everything and even the tiniest indiscretion (see beer, pizza, too little sleep, etc.) can wreak havoc on any progress made.

It's time to talk realistically about my diet. I hate this part, frankly, because in truth, I try and operate like I can eat anything I want without consequence. Unfortunately, this simply isn't the case. I'm not exempt and the evidence is clear that I know what I should and should not eat; however, I need to put science to action here when it comes to filling my plate.

Over the past few months, I've identified the nasty culprits, the usual suspects if you will - foods that pretty much fall into one or both of the following categories:
1) Terrible for you and/or I cannot control the portions when faced with the option
2) Never seem to agree with my body and/or instantly stalls out my weight loss

Here they are. These are my Most Wanted List members and these are the items I need to refrain from eating. Living on the low end of the glycemic index is what works for me and my metabolism and these nasties just keep holding me back.

1. Ranch dressing
(see: http://indianaworkingwoman.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-love-affair-with-ranch-dressing-fat.html)

I have fallen into that camp where Ranch Dressing goes with just about anything and it's totally kicking my ass.

2. Delivery pizza

I have never believed in just two pieces and the temptation to eat the leftovers for breakfast doesn't help. I do pretty well with thin-crust/healthier versions, but those are few and far between.

3. Nachos

I simply cannot be trusted with nachos.

4. Pasta (of any kind)

There is something about pasta that just destroys everything for me. I eat one serving of spaghetti and I gain pounds before it's digested. I have never found a healthy way to eat pasta and most pasta is nearly devoid of nutritional value.

5. M & Ms candy

I've managed to steer clear of these, but when I see a bowl of them, handfuls become the serving size when one bag is nearly 250 calories alone!

6. Dorito's

I've been known to hog the bag at parties. I am ashamed of this one.

7. French Fries

I used to avoid these like the plague, but lately I've been making an exception and there is no really good reason to eat a French fry.

8. Beer

Very empty calories that could be spent on nutritious foods. Can be substituted for healthier beverage options. Even red wine is a better choice.

9. Rice.

Believe it or not, even I can overindulge on brown rice.

10. All things salty-snacky.

Ever tried those awesome little garlic sesame sticks? Or trail mix? Or Chex Mix (my God! I like Chex Mix) In fact, my whole approach to the holidays is filling up on snacks because I don't give a flying fig about turkey and potatoes. I'm known to skip dessert and most of the meal in exchange for eating my weight in hors d'oevres.

So, what's the point of this list? One, I'm shaming myself a little because I'm supposed to be all gung-ho about being fit and these bad boys haven't been addressed fully yet. Secondly, I need to identify what thwarts my efforts. I mean, what's the point of running three miles only to go out and eat a 1,000 calorie meal?

I also realize that I don't need a diet, I need to get real. I need to accept that I can't eat whatever I want or eat even healthy foods in ginormous amounts. I can't do that and reach any of my goals. I can't stay true to what I tell other people if I can't even resist the chip bag.

I've started working some personal training into my fitness program and I have to stand firm on my food weaknesses or this added expense and commitment isn't going to help me at all. If nothing, it'll become the equivalent of flushing money down the toilet or burning it. How can I ask someone else to hold me accountable when I won't?

So here goes...rather...I keep going. Each set-back is a lesson and each lesson leads to greater things in the future.

What are your usual suspects?

Hooray!!!! Fort 4 Fitness Success story

Hooray for goals accomplished! This is my running buddy, Nicole, and I just after finishing our first four-mile race. See how red and happy we are?!

We have been working hard for the past year to finally be able to participate in a run like Fort 4 Fitness and here we are, beaming from having accomplished our goals!

We did pretty well for our first time and for not having a consistent running schedule over the past few weeks. Nicole kicked some serious tail with a 41 minute four mile.


I came in shortly behind at 45 minutes. Goals?
1) Don't die. DIDN'T. :-)
2) Run the whole thing. DID!
3) Don't take an hour. Hello?! I said 45 minutes (approx. 11.2 min/mile)
4) Have fun! Totally did.

Were we nervous before the race? Hell yeah! But we were super pumped to have gotten this far and the race was really really cool. There were over 9500 participants!



My results:

	bib number: 3336 age: 31 gender: F location: Fort Wayne, IN overall place: 695 out of 2838 division place: 84 out of 306 gender place: 357 out of 1983 time: 45:19 pace: 11:20

I have to say, this was a lot different than running around our neighborhood, where we know every crack in the pavement, every sewer drain. This run was awesome because at each street, there were people cheering and music and people just partying along the sidelines wishing us well. Now I know why people run in these things.
It's FUN.

Now that Fort 4 Fitness is over, we're prepping to run in a Thanksgiving Day race. It's time to jot down some new goals. For me, it's creating a better, more frequent running schedule and improving pace and distance. That coupled with toning up and shaving off a few pounds (not a lot, but some). I have a new ensemble in my closet as motivation.

With our first race completed, it's time to take what we know to the next level and really get our groove on!