A Few Things No One Told Me About Specifically...

This one's about life lessons. I suppose most of my blog posts are, but this one is probably a little more therapeutic for me.

There are a lot of little lessons here and there that I've stumbled upon during my journey into adulthood. At the time, typically when I'm at my most pissed off or disappointed, I lament no one having warned me earlier in life. Call it a bit of a tantrum if you will. A few of my closest friends and loved ones will tell you, I'm still very capable of throwing fits.

When we're children, we look to our parents, friends, family members, community role models, well, most adults really, for guidance and direction. We take cues from them as to how we should behave and treat others. We look to them for wisdom, experience, and ultimately, expertise in all things foreign and unfamiliar. As I look back on the first 31 1/2 years of my life (*gasp!*), I can honestly say we talked little of the following obstacles, in these terms anyway, and because of how those experiences changed and shaped my life today, I'm grateful...

1. Your period really is as bad as everyone says.
The only information I received regarding menstruation was through the wisdom of Judy Bloom and one very nervous health aid who gave a 5th grade demonstration about maxi pads from the early 60s. They may have been antiques, I don't know, but I'd never seen a BELT before and to this day, am not sure what that contraption was supposed to do.

I didn't get mine until nearly three years after those two mini-interventions. My first cramps sent me to the nurse's office and I was certain I was dying of some illness I could have picked up from traipsing around the woods with our ecology class. (Must have been the Jack-in-the-Pulpits.)

I don't mean to dwell on this one, but men, if your lady is having a "time," be sympathetic. It's often as bad as they describe. They call us the stronger sex for a reason. ;-)

2. You can be anything you want to be.
I struggle with this one because I want everyone I know to achieve their dreams and attain their goals. But, not everyone is in tune enough with his/her talents and desires to find the best path. When I was in 7th grade, I wanted to play basketball. I had practiced and had been on the 5th and 6th grade teams. My coach the previous season told my mother, "Dana just doesn't have any hand-eye coordination," but I tried out nonetheless.

I was crushed when I got cut. I was even sadder when I realized that I was cut for not only my lack of skills, but because I had to go so another person could play. I cried a lot. I felt like a loser.

Then, I took that desire to play ball a bit further. 1) I did TOO have hand-eye coordination and I did TOO have a chance. I made the track team and later, set nearly seven records for my high school softball team.

You can't necessarily be anything, but you can become pretty damn good at something in the same family of that one thing you love.
I still play softball and run.

3. These are the best days of your life.
High school is certainly NOT the best time of your life. I had a pretty good high school experience, but had I tried to cram in all of my interests into four years, I'd have peaked by 18. High school is stepping stone. It's the place to hone in on your skills, develop interests, and form those into a career path. It's a time for friendships that ebb and flow with the social climate and a time to build a transcript so you can go to a really really good college and start having FUN.

High school is not the place to slack off, no matter what they tell you. Sure, most high school stuff is too easy (pun intended), but it's the place to start forming a backbone so you can ultimately become You.

Better days come later.

4. All men are pigs.
This isn't true either. Most men lead with both heads.
The ones who don't...worry.
(and that goes for both)

5. Some people are pigs.
In grade school, college, careers, and on through life, you'll encounter people who hurt you, piss you off, take you for granted, and are ultimately the boils on the butt of humanity. How you handle them is what matters. Always stay true to your instincts and values and always treat others as you'd like to be treated.

There will always be haters.
And their lives will suck more than yours.
Take it in stride.

6. You should drive a shitty car at least once.
No one told me I should like my 1984 Ford LTD. No one told me to appreciate the white walls, the red velvet cake interior, the rear wheel drive, and the fact that it was a tank, blockading me off from anything around it.

It was only when I crashed into a minivan, flipping that van completely over, that I appreciated that old land yacht. Had it not had an incredibly lengthy schnoz, my legs would have been broken. Having to drive a POS at some point in your life, builds character and brings you to appreciate the cars you own later in life.
Thank you, Dad. I seriously did NOT hit that van on purpose, totaling the LTD. I SWEAR!

7. Love will hurt sometimes.
I got a lot of advice and insight from my parents, but neither instructed me on the powers of love. Perhaps they were protecting me or perhaps they wanted me to burn my own path. At the end of the day, I'm glad they didn't skew the truths for me nor paint an unrealistic picture.

I fell in love a few times. I got hurt a few times.
I hurt a few guys a long the way.
I fell for some stupid lines and I passed up a few good ones.
As the journey continued, each scar became one more piece of the map.
You have to know pain to really appreciate pleasure.

(*We're talking emotional stuff here, people. If a man/woman slaps you around, get the F outta there.)

8. Do Unto Others...
Despite my upbringing, I've learned that not everyone cares. Most people don't. You can give and give and give until it hurts or until it leaves you dry, but if no one gives back, walk away. Reciprocity is so important for healthy relationships. There is a lot of joy in giving. There's a lot of stupidity in letting someone continue to take advantage of you.

Love unconditionally. That's fine.
Just don't be a sucker.

9. Looks don't matter.
I wish this one was true. I always received pretty positive reinforcement as a kid, but wow if the world isn't cruel. We are shown in the media that to be beautiful we need to look young, be thin, be sexy, be everything that Barbie was and then some. Rejection based upon looks is a toughie, because at our core, we can be the nicest, smartest, most wonderful person and people will still judge based upon whether or not we can wear a single-digit size or have clear skin.

Again, how you handle judgment and being passed over for someone with a little more physical chutzpa is the lesson here. At the end of the day, you have to love yourself. Everyone else can go to hell. The world isn't perfect. No one is perfect.
You don't have to be.
But some will always think it.

On the flip side, looks matter to us. We walk around comparing ourselves left and right with other men and women who have better legs, better boobs, better hair, and so on. In the process, we belittle ourselves and perpetuate the delusion that looks are everything. I confess, I have a hard time not comparing myself with other women who I feel are more attractive than I am. I've wasted a lot of time envying others when I could have been celebrating my own assets.

Looks do matter, but they should only matter as one facet of the comprehensive healthy person.

10. Tattoos mean you're a lazy sumbitch.
I had to include this one. I have a super conservative social circle (with the exception of a few key players). Growing up, tattoos were the mark of laziness and weirdness, right up there next to long hair on men and piercings. When I turned 28, I wanted a tattoo. I had spent a year picking it out and deciding what fit my life in that moment. I wanted something to "center" me and to reflect on who I was and who I was becoming.
I chose the Celtic Tree of Life.
A friend tattooed the tree on my neck. I reasoned, it was centered and it was in a place that shouldn't (note - shouldn't) stretch too much or get too fat. I also strategically had it placed underneath my long hair.

I then spent the next year hiding it from my mother, father, and family members.
Two lessons here: I'm an incredibly hard worker. The tattoo didn't change that.
And two, you should never hide what makes you, you.
I've never regretted this tattoo.

11. You have to have children in your 20s.
This is an unspoken rule in the Midwest. Some will go so far as to make babies BEFORE they're in their 20s.
Lesson learned though: if you're not mature enough to take care of yourself, then you're not mature enough to be a parent. Proceed with caution.
Women will sometimes condescend on other women who don't have children. I recently heard, "You're gonna be an OLD parent!!!"
I still don't know what's wrong with that.
I love children. I just have to take care of a few other things first.

12. Things are not always as they seem.
Sometimes a jerk really is a jerk. I once knew a guy who took advantage of everyone he knew. He openly claimed he was an asshole and a jerk and before he left the state, I came to agree with him. Some people are nasty people and the real ones know it and say it.

13. Some relationships put the FUN in DYSFUNCTIONAL.
I'm going to end on this one. I wish I had had a dollar for every time someone told me to give up on a friend or person who, paired with me, made for a bad combination. And at times, they were right. However, had it not been for all of those awkward, uncomfortable, and downright unpleasant times, I'd have never learned the difference between a bad relationship and a healthy one.

I have a best friend who most people think treats me like crap. And yeah, sometimes she really does, but we go back years and we've perfected a snarky, condescending-ish friendship over years of treating each other like sisters instead of friends.
Despite her razor sharp remarks, that girl would be the first one to rush in when I was in danger. There are points for that.
Real points.
Ask yourself how many friends you have who would jump in first, and ask questions later?

I don't mean you should nurture horrible relationships or abusive ones, but know the difference. Give and take. It all depends on the level where you and that person or persons can really thrive.
Be a good friend and you'll attract others.
Be a taker or an epic fail at friendship...well then I just don't get you at all.


I never really got into it with my role models during my childhood. All of my influences (family, friends) provided me with strength and endurance, but the above topics were ones we talked little or not at all about. And for that, I'm still thankful.
Otherwise, I'd have never learned a thing.

A Woman's Guide to Divorce Part II: Check Yourself.

Journeying through the mess of divorce for women can be incredibly stressful and emotional. If I could summarize this post with one sound piece of advice:

Don't be a Bitch.



I know what you're thinking. You've earned the right to be a bitch. You've earned the right to be mad and yell and do all things crazy in the name of that God-forsaken-asshole who's put you through hell. He deserves it. He ruined everything. He's a piece of crap human being. And so on...trust me, I know the excuses and I know all the reasons you're angry.
I was too.

I mean, let's face it, if you're a living, breathing woman, you're probably angry with or without a divorce on your record.
That said, in the spirit of progress and your own health, "Check Yourself, Before You Wreck Yourself."

Acting like a crazy psycho bitch regarding your ex-husband and his life makes YOU (say it with me) YOU look bad. Let's get one thing straight - talking trash, making problems, being all-around mean and nasty, spreading rumors, posting bad remarks, etc - all of it makes YOU look like a piece of crap, not him.
Who wins?
Him.
So why do it? And I get it, it's very easy to let go of your anger and reign it down unleashed and without much foresight, but in the end, it hurts only one person specifically, YOU.
Your goal? Never reached.
Your friends? Put out and tired of your whining and complaining.
Your family? Although sympathetic, also tired of your whining and complaining.
Your ex? Annoyed, but you've gone so far as to make his reason for not being with you, a wiser decision. Call it a stamp of approval on your break up, especially for him.
Your children if you have them? Victims.
(The last is incredibly sad and not at all acceptable.)

Here are some things to keep in mind as you struggle through the beginning or aftermath of your divorce. First, it's happening for a reason. Both you and your former spouse are at fault. One's fault may be lesser than the other, but you are both responsible for the formation, maintenance, and destruction of that relationship. Think about what roles you played. Think about what you did or didn't do. No, I'm not advocating lashing blame to yourself, but try to think clearly about what happened and what events played up to where you are today.
Think about them. Learn from them. And let them the hell go.
Beating yourself up about it isn't an option. Beating him up for it shouldn't be either.

Secondly, think about you and your children (if there are any) or other people impacted directly by your decision-making in this moment. What you say and do now can have a ripple effect that lasts forever. Your reactions and comments may hurt others and ultimately not hurt the one person you want to injure - badly.
What good does that do?
None.

It's okay to be mad. It's even okay to talk at length about how mad, how hurt, how upset, how frustrated, how unfair it is, how stupid it is, how stressful, with someone you trust. Write it down in a journal and mark your progression through your emotions. It helps. I recommend counseling. A counselor who you respect and trust will do wonders for this period of time - this time of just raw hurting.
There's nothing wrong with working through your emotions, be it right after the decision is made or years down the road. Reflection and emotional journeys are natural, and part of our composition as women. (I think it's in the estrogen, but I don't know the scientific information to back up that hunch.)

When you write down or talk about your emotions, try your best to think clearly. For instance, be rational about what happened.
Facts are different than inferences or rumors. Stick with what you know to be true. If you don't know, or if it isn't true, throw the impulse away. Any adherence to rumors, gossip, or falsehoods only perpetuate your feelings into despair and distrust. You can't help yourself if you believe what can't be proven or can't be shown to be true. You can't move on with an obsession about what he may have done, may have said, may have been. Take what's true, get pissed, and work it through.

It's easy to spiral into crazy thinking and depression when we think of all the what-ifs that could have plagued your marriage. What if he cheated? What if he never loved me? What if he really did run up the credit card? What if he never wanted children? What if, what if, what if! WTF!? Those what-ifs only cast doubt, additional pain, and frankly, stupidity on an already painful break-up.

Try not bringing unwarranted pain into the equation and see what happens. Write down what you know and what you can prove. Be angry and hurt from there. You'll heal faster. Trust me on this.

When I was going through a divorce, I suspected my ex of having relationships with other women I didn't know. Not sexual ones, professional or conversational ones that he neglected to share with me. Did I have proof? No. Did I have suspicions? Yes.
When it came down to brass tax, I couldn't prove it and I didn't know it to be true. So I let it go.
I wrote it down on a piece of paper and literally, burned it up. It didn't matter. What mattered was that my relationship was over and my own, personal hell was beginning. Change was coming whether I was pissed about the rumors or not.

I beat myself up for weeks thinking of the various reasons he may have not been more attracted to me, interested in me, close to me, etc. I got mad. I got really mad. And then I realized...we both are responsible for not caring enough. We were both too into ourselves and our own approaches to living and we didn't communicate or compromise together to make things work well. And so, the marriage died.
It didn't mean our respect for one another or our potential friendship had to die.
And it didn't.

I'm thankful that I worked through my fears and anxieties about that to ensure that my ex and I maintained a positive, healthy break up. It worked for me. It can work for you.

A few tips:

1. Get mad. Don't get even. There is nothing you can do to control what he does, who he spends his time with, and what choices he makes from this point forward. Sure, you have an opinion, but focusing on his life only means you're neglecting yours. Who wants to do that? Here's your chance to be a better you. Take it.

2. Develop healthy relationships with your children, your family, and your friends. Do it. It helps and it's worth it. They care about you; be sure to care about them.

3. Don't Facebook stalk. Don't try to see his social networking pages or his girlfriends' pages or his friends' pages. It's stupid and you'll misinterpret everything to be about you and the divorce. Quit working on your espionage skills and get a life.
Hear me?
Get a LIFE.
It's genuinely what you need.

4. Get healthy. Work out. Eat right. Work on a better, healthier you - emotionally, physically, and mentally. Take yoga. Run. Talk to a counselor or friend you trust. Lean on others for support and offer your support for others. Be a contributing person. Get involved in your community.

5. Be a stunning example of maturity. By not buying into the hype of a crazy ex, you're saying "I'm more focused on my priorities and my goals than on the pain of the past. I'm moving forward and don't need to lower myself or my standards to get into petty situations that only hurt myself and others."
You're basically telling your ex, especially if he's into drama, to F-Off. See? It worked.
Your own confidence and progress shows that he is not a roadblock for you and in the end, you win.

Seriously - I know what I'm talking about here. There's nothing cool about being a gossip, a rumor-spreader, a bitch, a hag, a bitter ex, or a trash-talking vengeful person. Doing this only makes you look bad and it makes most people NOT want to be around you. This is not the time to alienate everyone and push your supports away. In extreme cases, being a psycho ex can get you arrested. It can make others lose respect for you. You can lose respect for yourself.
No one wants that.
Especially you.

Sure, your ex may be evil.
But evil doesn't have to be you.

You know what they say about the high road.
TAKE IT.

And be a happier woman for it.

My Love Affair with Ranch Dressing: A Fat Story

Let's begin simply: I am not a skinny person.
I am not exactly a fat person.
I am a sort-of healthy person, with a passion for working out and a sincere interest in diet and nutrition.
I am about thirty pounds overweight, per the Body Mass Index (BMI).
Nearly all of my female friends are skinnier than I am. Nearly all of my female family members are skinnier than I am.
I am built like a cross between an athlete and Marilyn Monroe.
I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis (hypothyroidism) and this means my metabolic system runs like a dial-up modem.

In short, I'm an average, American woman, wearing the average American clothing size: 10/12.
To be clear, it is my dream to wear a single digit pant size and to be a healthy, fit, and attractive person all of my living days.

There's a catch though.
I am entangled in a love affair with Ranch dressing.

It began very early in life. My parents bought Hidden Valley Ranch and this was served with our salad at dinner. My mom served a garden salad with nearly every meal (which is a great thing by the way) and like every kid, my sister and I preferred the flavor of Ranch over anything we deemed weird (like Thousand Island or Raspberry Vinaigrette). We simply didn't try those. (Okay, I tried Thousand Island once on a Big Mac. The texture gives me the willies, just like sunflower seeds or mandarin oranges on a salad give me the willies.)

Later, I found myself ordering Ranch dressing when we went out to eat. Back when McDonald's served chef salads, I used to insist on those with Ranch dressing rather than a kids' meal. At the time, it annoyed my mom - those big ol' salads were expensive compared to burgers and fries - but I became hooked on the big entree salad at a young age regardless.

In high school and college - Ranch went with all raw vegetables. It's just how it was. In college, Ranch dressing became a base for my tri-color pasta salad. Post-college, my then-boyfriend inspired one of the worst Ranch offenses of all: French Fries dipped in Ranch dressing. Hot wings weren't far behind.

For thirty-some years, Ranch dressing has been a staple in my diet. I once watched an MTV reality show featuring three individuals who were dramatically overweight. In the show, there's a clip of a woman on a date and during the date, she pulls a bottle of Ranch dressing out of her purse, to use for her fries and chicken. Her date makes fun of her. She laughs. She likes it. This is how she rolls.
I remember laughing at the segment, thinking "that's not me, at least" and letting the thought pass.

Speed up to present day. I've been planted in this body frame and this pant size for damn near ten years now (save those two years when my weight ballooned up to nearly 200 pounds). Like I said, I'm not a fat person, but one thing I've noticed as I've incorporated exercise and healthier eating into my lifestyle, is that Ranch dressing seems to creep into the menu way too frequently.

According to My-Calorie-Counter.com, traditional Ranch dressing contains 146 calories per serving, 144 of them from fat. It contains 2 grams of carbohydrates (which is awesome from an Atkins perspective). It also contains 354 grams of sodium per serving.

Guess what a serving is???
Give up?

Two tablespoons.

In the past six months, I've been watching my weight and working out. I use the calorie counter to keep me in check. I've noticed how often I've had to check my calories against those found in the dressing. Let's face it. Restaurants don't serve "2 tablespoons" of dressing. They serve soup cups of dressing. You're looking at over 700 calories at this point, oftentimes nearly 1000! If you're a 2000 calorie a day dieter, you're lucky. For people like me who are supposed to stay in the 1300-1800/day range, this is a kiss of death.

Lately, I've been whining and moaning that I can't lose weight. I'm eating salad! I'm eating lean protein! I'm working out!
And I'm scarfing down Ranch dressing in a way comparable to rat with a giant wheel of cheese. Sure, I love to eat entree salads specifically the ones from Henry's on Main St., but I have to face the music, I can't destroy my efforts by ladling Ranch dressing all over my veggies.
It's made a three month plateau feel like a life sentence.

So today, I'm breaking up with Ranch. We've had a lot of great times and I'll be tempted again, I'm sure, but I've got to see if this is the blockade wrecking my efforts.
It's not that I want to be skinny; I want to be healthy.
I want to be physically fit.

A little girl called me "slender" yesterday. I beamed like crazy all afternoon because of it. I can't allow Marzetti, Hidden Valley, and Kraft ruin this for me.
For someone who doesn't eat fast food much anymore and who is that interested in a healthy frame/weight, it seems crazy to continue with this destructive relationship.

Adios, Ranch.

And as I approach this new world, one filled with more olive oil and vinaigrette, I have some other culprits to confront:

Pizza (Because, let's face it, I don't eat the healthy kind yet.)
Salty snacks (I have been known to eat nearly all Doritos at any given party. Cool Ranch anyone?)
French Fries (I am not sure I can be trusted with them near my plate.)
Nachos (My equivalent for weakness in molten, cheesy form.)

I'm a savory person at heart and Ranch was one nasty element in that equation, but that formula is breaking my stride, slowing me down, and making my goal that much more difficult to attain.
I'm hoping my friends and family can hold me accountable.

Breaking up, after all, is very hard to do.

Tardies

It has been awhile since my last post and I fully intended to write something meaningful about divorce again, but frankly, I can't write about that today. It's not on my emotional or creative radar. With that out of the way, let's discuss the topic of tardiness.

One of my biggest, most irritating peeves is adults who are habitually late to everything - meetings, work, social gatherings, appointments,...you name it. You know who they are. They're the ones we have to adjust our own clocks for. "If I tell her 7:30 pm, then she'll definitely be there by 8:00 pm," for example, or "Yeah, he's always about ten minutes late, so we should probably go ahead and order our drinks."

This, my friends, is horse shit. Now, I am not irrational about this topic. I know that things sometimes prevent us from being on time. I have been stuck in traffic having planned sufficient time to get to work or tried to leave for an appointment only to have an unannounced colleague stop in to talk about something important to our work. I have been late. What I haven't been though is HABITUALLY LATE.

So this is for all of you, TARDIES. Consider this when you're giving yourself a five-ten minute cushion or arriving thirty minutes late for an appointment.

When all is said and done, being habitually late is RUDE and it makes you look bad to others. It smacks of unreliability and instantly subtracts your maturity credits. Showing up late to everything is selfish, irresponsible, and is not a good way to be taken seriously. Let me clarify a bit. When I say "tardy," I mean, late all the time, for everything, and without remorse, reason, or excuse. Now that you have all the caveats, I'll continue.

Tardies often don't feel all that badly for being late to something. There is often little by way of reason and at times, they portray this "Well, you know how I am" attitude whenever a suspicious or disappointed glance is thrown in their direction. Tardies, to be clear, don't really care if they've kept others waiting or inconvenienced someone else. Tardies care strictly about themselves, their own timetable, and expect others to conform to this irresponsible sense of untimeliness.

A tardy would be late to his own funeral causing the mortician incredible grief, not to mention his friends and family.
I jest not.

In grade school, tardies were given detention or write-ups for their lateness. There were consequences. How that didn't transition to adulthood, I don't know. Maybe they had poor role models who were late to everything. Maybe they simply have an aversion to scheduling, but what Tardies don't understand is that there are real consequences to their routine, unprofessional behavior.

1. Tardies make everyone else wait. This is blatant disrespect. Your friends, family, loved ones, coworkers, etc. have made time to make you a priority and you keep them waiting on you. You expect them to adjust and relax about it, but in actuality, you've messed with their schedules, their patience, and their sense of time management so they can get their goals completed that day. Your lateness is rude, inconsiderate, and well, tardy. All you're saying with your actions is that you care more about you and much, much less about others.

2. You are unreliable. You can't prove that you can show up on time, so what would compel an employer to hire you? If a manager cannot rely on your showing up on time to do your job, what does that mean for his/her company or department? Tardiness can cost you money and respect.

3. You look stupid and disorganized. People who are always late are considered more childish and more incapable of responsibility. More and more people will avoid giving you responsibilities or asking you to do things. You will exist without much professional or social credit. You're a lark - a disorganized person who can't be trusted with what's important.

4. You let people down. Show up late to your child's program or a friend's wedding? Show up late to a date or a meeting? Putting your unwillingness to plan ahead and refusal to schedule wisely shows you simply don't care about the team here. This can result in loss of relationships - unions important for social balance and comfort. Who wants to be there for you when you won't be there for someone else?

5. Being a tardy, as mentioned before, is selfish. Selfish people don't make friends and they're not great role models. You're the paramount of "what not to do" as it relates to everything and eventually, people will stop calling, stop asking, and stop adjusting. Being a tardy can result in loneliness.

And this is what I don't understand. Perhaps I am naive to think that is a very important characteristic in adults, but I've found that more often than not, people who are late to everything are widely unpopular, unfocused, immature, and typically the last one to arrive and the first one to leave. There's an exception to every rule, but to date, I haven't found it.

Even if your friends and family make jokes about your always being late, this isn't a good thing; it's their way of coping until one day they can't take it anymore. Eventually, tardies are going to miss something important and it's going to hurt more people than ever intended. I have yet to hear someone I know (who is a Tardy) give me a reason (a valuable reason) for always being late. Here are some excuses though:

"You know me. I'm always late." (F-Off.)

"I'm running behind." (So, you still set your alarm as late as possible? How about setting it for ten minutes earlier. Just in case?)

"I've just been so busy, ya know." (Really?! As in, my time isn't valuable and I'm not? Again, F-Off.)

"I was on the phone." (If you can't multitask or prioritize by now, I don't wanna connect with you all that much.)

"Thanks for waiting." (You're assuming I did it willingly.)

Growing up, I lived in a family who was perpetually early to everything. I still do this. It's not really a great way to go either, but it's far less disrespectful than being late. If anything, I've grown comfy sitting in my running car for ten minutes before going in for an appointment.

And life does happen to people. Cars break down. Kids throw fits and wrench up even the best laid plans. People get sick. People oversleep. Traffic is nightmarish. I know, I've been there. Being late once and awhile isn't a problem. It happens. But being that guy/woman who is ALWAYS behind schedule, always tardy, is inexcusable to me. It's downright rude.

I know I sound self-righteous and I don't mean to. Not really. I recognize that though I'm always on time, I need to relax my sense of right/wrong. I get that. But it seems as if in this day it's more commonplace and "accepted universally" that people can be late. With all of our technology for scheduling and multitasking, if anything, we should be ahead of schedule, if not, at least, on time.

*end rant*

A Woman's Guide to Divorce: The Basics

This blog may become a short series. To preface what I'm about to write, I have to say that I've been inspired to revisit the topic of divorce having gone through a December in which many of my friends were either marrying or divorcing. Whether I like it or not, observing the fall-outs and new connections brings back my own memories. Call this a purge. Call this reasonable advice. Call it what you want, just call it honest.

A Woman's Guide to Divorce (the first of perhaps several other posts)

I first and foremost promise not to assume the man's perspective on divorce. A) I'm not a man. B) I cannot explain the male perspective and C) All notes regarding male behavior in divorces comes strictly from my own observation, reading, or the presumptions gleaned from friends and family.

When a woman becomes engaged and plans her wedding, she doesn't intend to prepare herself for a divorce. Sure, couples break up, but that only happens to boyfriends and girlfriends, right? Unfortunately, many women become entirely wrapped up in "wedding" and not "marriage," only to wake up one morning, married, next to a man she hasn't had a complete discussion with since she said "Yes."

I've watched many women obsess over rings, over caterers, dresses, shoes, bridesmaids, flowers, honeymoon packages, and all things wedding-fabulous only to notice that rarely does a potential wife ever mention the word wedding in the context of "we" or the event in the context of "future" or "marriage." They're too busy planning their hair style or weight loss regimen.

It's easy to do. We've grown up playing dress up, Mash, and falling in and out of love with celebrities on the cover of Teen Beat magazine. We're trained for this. This is why weddings are awesome events most of the time. We are also trained to believe that men don't care much for weddings, their part is over with picking the ring, if we even let them do that.

Now I know I'm generalizing a lot here, but take this for what I mean: many women come to the alter full-on prepared for the wedding, but completely unprepared for the marriage. Sure, we know that after this, the fun starts with our entrance at the party, but then what? Oh right, honeymoon. But after all the blissful beginnings, in two to three weeks, we have to begin...REAL LIFE. Real life WITH A MAN.

If you lived with your boyfriend for awhile, you may be a bit more prepared for day-to-day life together; however, nothing prepares you for marriage, not really. It's just different. It's learning and growing with another person. It's getting down and dirty with all things emotional, spiritual, and physical. And you're going to disagree. A lot. You're even going to fight with one another. You're going to piss each other off and you're going have opposing viewpoints on silly things like when to go to bed, whether or not the butter stays out or in the fridge, whether or not you want the basic or extended cable service package, etc. You're going to disagree about money, sex, friends, and work.

At the wedding, on YOUR BIG DAY, a lot of this just doesn't register. Sure, you've fought before, but you're in LOVE with each other. From this day forward, it's romance city.

WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sleeping Beauty, marriage is tough. That's why the divorce rate in the U.S. is so high. Marriage is a commitment that our self-absorbed, media seduced, me-centric personalities have difficulty dealing with. It takes compassion, endurance, and good old fashioned hard work. It also takes a leap of faith that things will work out until one or both of you are dead. It takes enduring through the seduction of Facebook; it takes weathering the fights, the pregnancies, the 'tough times'; it takes also takes knowing when to bail.

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but like all things beautiful, the price is sometimes pain. Some pain is normal. A lot of pain is not. And some marriages have shelf lives. Each relationship we have allows us to grow and evolve individually. These unions move us forward, often make us stronger, better people. Some married people need to split to keep moving forward. It's not the Devil at work here; it's human nature.
It's growth.

Ladies, I know I sound like a turncoat here. But marriage isn't always going to be 'til death do you part.' For everyone I know, I wish the best of all things romantic, but I also want everyone I know to grow, learn, and become more beautiful be it through marriage or divorce.

Here's my personal take on things...

Not so long ago, I was planning a wedding. I remember being excited to be asked to be someone's wife. My fiance was a nice guy and we got along pretty well. We bought a house. We got engaged. We did the living in sin thing for a year just to make sure we wanted to be "in this for good."

My wedding day was beautiful. It still ranks up there in my "top days of my life list." My honeymoon was terrific. Sure, we had a few things go awry in all the wedding hoopla, but nothing major. We forgot to put out the celebratory cocktail napkins at the reception and I suppose that could have been a red flag, but at the time, it didn't seem quite so bad to bring home 500 napkins for our own, personal use.

Looking back, I probably should have done a lot more thinking prior to our wedding day. Maybe I should have evaluated how we would spend our money together or fought back a little when I felt I was being taken advantage of. Perhaps I should have listened to my mom prior to walking down the aisle, who said, "You don't have to do this if you don't want to." (This is 100% true. I'll never forget it.)

But I loved this guy and we were, you know, happy and upon returning from our honeymoon, we kicked off "real life."
And women are often ill-prepared for this. It feels like the romance of your relationship has suddenly waned. It's not all about kissing and hugging in public and dammit if thank you notes aren't a huge pain in the ass. They say the first year is the hardest. I think it's the second. Suddenly, it hurts when he doesn't want to cuddle or you find out he's got more girl friends than guy friends calling and emailing. Later it feels weird when it's a peck on the cheek and you're not French kissing like lovers anymore. Suddenly, his bad habits feel like a big deal.

I'm sure for men, it is similar. Women aren't perfect. We try, but we're not at all close to perfect.

It's in those first few years that couples have an opportunity to work things through, establish "house norms" and get to know each other in those ways you missed prior to the wedding. You're embarking on new territory and you're discussing things like 401 Ks and children and related things. In my marriage, we committed the biggest mistake.
We didn't Communicate.
We got along for the sake of getting along - perpetually trying to forgive each other for grievances to avoid having to duke it out. In the end, we were faking it. We didn't know each other at all. I didn't know my husband back then didn't really want children. We had talked about it, but neither of us had been all that honest.

Back then, I cared more about him than I did about myself. We both did. It ruined everything.

It was nobody's fault; we both had good intentions. We both wanted a marriage that worked, but we wanted it to be easy, smooth, without disruption and without too many disputes. The truth is, life isn't that way.
Marriage isn't that way.
For us hopeless romantics, it's a pretty severe reality especially when you're coming down from that honeymoon high.

The couples who have it right know it's work from the get go. Those are the ones who last, or maybe last longer.

I was a divorcee by 27. I'm still embarrassed by it, to be honest. My divorce was an amicable one, if you count letting your ex have his way on everything. My divorce also left me a shred of my former emotional self. It left me vacant, exposed, and completely vulnerable. It also gave me a new lease on life. It left me pissed off, sad, excited, empowered, and broke.
It made me a walking, talking time bomb.
It made me a menace at the bar.
It made me hungry for love.
It made me hungry for a real fight.
I was madder than hell and happy as hell. All at once.

Now add your period to that and you've got me, at 25% of the month.
*Scary*

Ladies, divorce, no matter how you slice it, is tough goings. It hurts. Regardless of how friendly or nasty your split is, it still rocks your emotional core. Even if you were the primary bread winner or success in the relationship, you're still left drained of the plans and expectations you had. It's loss.
It's a death.
Seriously.

And when facing a divorce or the aftermath of divorce, I've learned the following things through my last three years. I thought I'd share them with you...maybe they'll help you. Maybe they'll just piss you off, but believe me, being a woman is hard. Being a divorcee is harder.
But it doesn't have to be the end of your identity or your life...

1. Your ex may be a real bastard. He may be the epitome of 'sucks at life' (not in my case though), but hate him in private. Tell your lawyer, tell a good friend, but blasting everyone you know with your open loathing for him makes not only him look bad, but you look worse.

2. Protect and love your children. They are innocent. They didn't break you up. They also don't understand. Talk compassionately with them, support them, and make wise decisions about what you say and do around them. Live like a parent all the time. Even in divorce, in most cases, you're still co-parenting. You have to work together on that for life.

3. Get your balls out. When bargaining and negotiating the terms of your settlement, be honest, fair, and stand up for what is rightfully yours. Let petty things go. Go balls-to-the-wall on the stuff that matters. Get a GOOD lawyer if it's needed.

4. Don't become a ho. Being single again is not a free pass for Herpes. Sure, you want to be loved and admired and complimented, but shacking up with every bar-guy is a terrible idea. Go on dates. Meet people. Do that when you're ready. No one wants you unloading baggage all over the table on a blind date. Be yourself. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you're ready to hit the sack with anyone. Me? Oh yeah, I always ended up boo-hooing on some poor ass-hat or blocking calls from people I stupidly gave my number to. Be smart when going out to meet people.

5. Give yourself time to grieve.

6. Do things differently. Approach your new life with vigor and open-mindedness. You never know...things JUST may work out. Time is the key term.

7. DO NOT stalk, trash talk, harass, or be a general asshole to your ex. Sure, he probably deserves it, but again, some actions are illegal and others just waste time you could spend developing a better you. Don't make shit up and don't harass and hate on those your ex is close to during this time. You're mad. Everyone gets it. You should be, but don't compromise your integrity for a few lousy digs.

8. Communicate with your family and friends. Tell your story to those who will support you and help you. Be fair. Be honest. But don't go dumping your problems on anyone who will listen. Revenge in divorce only makes everyone lose.

9. Do NOT use your children as a way to punish your ex. That is incredibly unfair. To THEM.
Remember, you are a still a role model, even if you're single.

10. Cry. Get mad. Have a tantrum. It's okay to do so.

11. Dive into new things. Develop your interests.

12. Work Out. Trust me. It helps.

13. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I wish I had gotten a dollar for every time I called someone to help me with my car, my apartment, etc.

14. Realize you're not alone. Try not resent happy couples. Just because you're no longer married, doesn't mean it won't happen for you too.

15. Understand that love, commitment, trust, and honesty are never going to quite feel the same, but this doesn't have to be a bad thing. It could lead to better things.

16. Don't become a bitch just because Life has thrown you a heinous curve ball. Pity, whining, and poor behavior will last only so long with people. Remember, you don't have to stop loving people.

17. Talk. A counselor is a good idea. Find a good one. Objectiveness in your situation can shed new light on why you're in this situation.

18. Be super cautious when dating. (see next blog)

19. It is okay to miss him. It is okay to still love him. It won't necessarily change things, but you can't feasibly expect yourself to not love your ex instantaneously just because you're divorcing. Don't hate yourself or feel weak because you can remember when things were good. (see grieving)

20. Roll with the punches. Life is going to be good. It hurts now, but that will change with the time that works for you. You have to learn to love yourself before you can really give yourself over to marriage and love. This is a good time to start loving yourself, the real you, the one who wasn't quite ready this time.

My divorce wasn't ugly. It wasn't mean-spirited or hateful. My ex and I just realized that we were destined to be friends and not lovers. We had different ideas about how the world should work. We had differing opinions on how we both should conduct our lives and our life together. We both lacked the guts to talk to each other openly. We didn't care enough when we really should. We made very superficial things more important than us.
It happens.
A lot.
Even here in the Bible Belt.

And ladies, divorce sucks. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, but it doesn't have to be the end of you. This doesn't mean there isn't a man or woman out there for you. It's just not your time yet. Your ex taught you something, even if he is a douche bag, and your relationship has broken down, broken you down, so you can regroup and rebuild. And be stronger. Time is the hardest part. Note that anytime you try to speed things up or do them quickly, the more slowly they will go. It's for a reason.

You may feel broken by divorce and you may feel your identity as 50% slipping away, but this only means that you're working toward 100% of a 200% coupledom someday. When you got married, you didn't know it wouldn't be forever. I didn't know either.

But I wouldn't change where I've been or how far I've come for the world.
My divorce changed me forever and in truth, it taught me to love.
The real way.

This is your chance. Take it.

Going through a divorce doesn't mean marriage is over for you for good. It simply means the bad marriage is over. If it's your destiny, a happier, healthier relationship will be an integral part of your future. I believe this. It's taken me three years to get this far. And I still believe in happy endings.

Cheers.

Fun for the New Year

Happy 2011!

It's common for individuals to jot down personal goals and resolutions for the new year five minutes after the ball drops; however, despite having my own list of "to-dos," I thought I'd write down resolutions I'd happily hand over to other people. That is, if they wanted my opinion on the matter. (*winks*)

I call this "New Year Resolutions for Ass-Hats."
Enjoy, friends. If you find yourself in this spirited list, I apologize. Kind of.


1. When shopping, I resolve to put down my phone/hang up/stop text messaging/etc. while completing a transaction with the store clerk in front of me. I realize that in 2010, I was rude.
I know the drive-thru at the pharmacy and the bank count too.

2. I will discontinue trying to become my boyfriend. Trying on his clothes is one thing. Trying on his entire personality is another thing entirely. I am not a man. At least not now. I resolve to remember my vagina.

3. I will cease to drive at speeds lower than the posted speed limit in 2011. I realize how much it pains others trying to adhere to the posted speed limit. I will pull over and let people pass if I'm nervous, scared, or can't see more than fifty feet ahead. I will buy a booster seat or phone book to sit on if I can't see and will quit talking on my cell phone while driving if I don't have a hands-free, Blue Tooth apparatus.

4. I resolve to stop holding petty offenses over other people's heads and let the minor infraction go. After all, angst and resentment causes acne and it doesn't matter who can beat up whom in the end even if I know I'm right. It's just going to piss me off later if they have clearer skin than I do.

5. I will refrain from regurgitating everything I read in a book to all of my friends. I will pay more attention to reading comprehension and then initiate topics in social situations rather that blatantly state what someone else thinks as my own opinion. I apologize for plagiarizing in the past.

6. I resolve to abstain from trying to be trendy or hip by deliberately "going against the grain" on everything. I will purchase organic foods and listen to Kings of Leon only if I genuinely enjoy them. I will learn more about diversity and how easily a trend can develop.

7. I will find a way to stop the frequency of the Sarah McLachlan adopt-a-pet commercials while finding a way to earn more money to save abused animals. I realize the volume, music, and unnecessarily lengthy spots are hurting others emotionally, paralyzing them and preventing more donations.

8. I will quit being an ass-clown and/or a heinous vengeful b*tch on social networking sites. Effective now. Blocking and hiding content doesn't make it any less true - doesn't make it any less true that I'm an ass-clown/heinous vengeful b*tch that is.

9. I resolve not to be tardy when I can seriously help it. It causes panic and undue stress to others in my life.

10. I will accept my vices and try to fix the things I can. I will be an adult in 2011 with the spirit of a child at the times when it's appropriate.

11. I will live a little.

12. I will not - I will NOT - wear jeggings. No matter what.

13. I resolve to understand that my purse, my shoes, and earrings are accessories. Just that. Not implements for Midwestern "cool." I will understand that having paid $320 for a handbag is peanuts compared to New York City and I will quit flaunting unless I got a bargain bag from the trunk of a car in Queens.

14. I will reciprocate with my friends. I love them. They love me. I owe it to them to be a strong, committed, and responsible person. I owe that to myself too.

15. I resolve not to let my children talk me into McDonald's more than once a week. Lawsuit or not, I'm the parent. I'm the example. I am responsible for being enough in control to ensure they become strong, happy, and healthy adults.

16. I resolve to not equate difference to being "Liberal."

17. I will park in my own damn driveway to prevent children and basketballs from becoming asphalt sculptures.

18. I resolve to laugh at myself more and others less. Life is actually freaking hilarious.

19. I resolve not to use the word "f*ck" just to sound "cool," unless of course, it makes my friends laugh.

20. I resolve to quit dogging on myself to gain attention. I resolve to quit dogging on others to get attention. I may just get a dog instead.

21. In 2011, I will put my foot down. I look stupid trying to stand this way.

22. I resolve to evolve with life's changes. I will refrain from voting for Obama in 2012 based on performance, not ignorant stigma.

23. I will stand by my friends, my family, my man/woman, my children,...and all those who've earned my love and trust. No exception.

24. I will wear work out gear, not a track suit.

25. I will find a way to make sure cauliflower and sauerkraut are removed from every menu.

26. I resolve to pull my own weight on the team/committee. I realize I cannot expect credit if I don't show up. I will refrain from being a "boil on the butt of humanity" in general.

27. I will quit "frontin'" and start being who I really am - all the time. A name is only a name.

28. I resolve to be a role model for children and will refrain from naming my own child something stupid or based upon a horrible, teen vampire series.

29. I will consult a manual at least once before assuming something is completely broken.

30. I will have fun and will refrain from being an ass-hat from this day forward.
This, I swear to you.

Happy New Year, friends!

"I just came here to kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're all outta beer."

In the cult classic, Dazed and Confused, there's a crucial scene where Adam Goldberg's nerdy character, Mike, offends a party-goer named Clint by commenting about the "reefer" smell at the Moon Tower party. Clint, likely too buzzed and likely a rendition of a typical ego-driven bad boy, takes Mike's off-handed comment and responds by confronting him and attempting to initiate a fight. Before things get out of hand, Clint makes the remark that I've used for the title of today's blog.

If you're like me, Dazed and Confused is a film you had to see back in high school and you can remember hundreds of funny lines and several awkward scenes like this one. For Mike, this scene leaves him a state of unprepared shock. A goody-goody and scholastic achiever, Mike (so it seems) has never been confronted by someone threatening verbal or physical abuse and his initial response is to apologize, cower away, and let the tension pass. However, for those who remember the film, Mike doesn't handle the embarrassment of being confronted for long and later plots to start his own fight with Clint.

My point? To talk about the awkward, aggressive moment. You know the ones; the moments when you've unintentionally made someone angry and you're ill-prepared to respond to abusive comments or the threat of a physical fight. If you're the Clint type, well then, you may want to gloss over this entry.

Most of us want to avoid confrontation if at all possible. The thought of someone kicking our asses or having to defend ourselves against a verbal assault is enough to make us tell every white lie in history to avoid a "scene," especially in public.

Yesterday, I upset a man who wanted to use the computer service in my office. He knew he wasn't allowed to use the service and had been lying each time he came in in order to do so. Having been caught, he was angry that I had told him "No." At this point, the man towered over me screaming, "I ain't gonna have no woman telling me what to do! I do what I want to do! And I'm gonna come back and do something about this!"
In the moment, I felt my blood turn hot, felt my face flush, and got that tingle under my skin that warns: "You're in a situation. Time to choose your response."
My knee-jerk response would have been: "You know what, a-hole? That's just fine! That's just fine that you don't want a woman telling you what to do and so if that's the case, get your drunk, ugly ass out of my office because right now, the woman is running the place!"
(I would have my fists clenched up too.)
BUT! The response that came out was, "I'm sorry you feel that way, sir. Please come back when you have satisfied your requirements for use of the computer lab."

Talk about anti-climatic. Meanwhile, I'm left with the stress of unused anger, the blood still boiling, the teeth grinding, the face screwed up in a perpetual smirk that reads "I cannot believe that guy F-ed with me."
That guy? He left with the comfort of having spoken his piece - anger left like glass shattered all over my office floor. More crap to step in during the day.

How many times do we choke on our own rage and initial response to defend and protect ourselves? How often do you fall on your own sword to protect those around you or for the sake of being composed, professional, polite? I liken the unspent frustration to having a profound case of gastrointestinal woe.

It sucks. When I was 21, I went to a Muncie Wal-Mart (gasp!) to buy some booze with a friend. Back then, we were high on the fact that we were of age and if we could get Icehouse or Keystone or Dark Eyes at Wal-Mart, that was fine by us. Upon leaving the store, I saw a woman dragging her toddler daughter by the hair and screaming obscenities. The little girl was sobbing and struggling and this cow of a woman was just beating the tar out of her in the parking lot.
(Note - this WAS Wal-Mart after all!)

My gut got the best of me in this situation. I passed our bags to my friend and went charging after this woman, incensed and driven by a mission to protect someone smaller, more innocent than myself. Screaming, "You better let go of her! Pick on someone your own size!" I got within feet of this woman who turned to me, fist raised, and ready to hit the next person who got in her way. "I know the difference between discipline and beating!" I shouted, "And if you want to beat on someone, go on and try beating up on me!"

Poor little girl, she took one look at my stupid college girl outfit and flabbity arms and made a face as if to say "Girl, you're not going to win this thing. You've made it worse."

The woman charged at me and in the moment, the 'flight' response kicked in. I grabbed for my cell phone threatening to dial 911. I knew just then that this woman a) out-sized me by about 50-100 pounds and b) wasn't afraid of doing damage to me. My dialing the phone stopped her. The passersby stopped her. And the crisis was averted.

Again, a missed chance to tangle with someone, but at least we were both alive and relatively unharmed. Again, a waste of rage.

At a concert not long ago, an angry audience member shoved me out of her way, both hands on my shoulders. She was mad because I was taking photos of the band and in the front row. To make matters worse, she was delusioned into thinking I was the new lead singer's girlfriend. (Not true, but I challenge anyone to talk sense into a clinically crazy person.)
As she shoved me, I felt this was the PERFECT opportunity for a brawl. I haven't been in a fight since I was ten. Here was my chance.

And I backed away. My friend stepped in and checked the situation by telling Ms. Crazy Pants just where she could take her crazy self. The loon was hauled off by her buddies shortly after.

What's my point? I'm not a violent person. I have a long history of missed chances to go to the floor with people who are mean to me; people who are abusive; people who are just plain crazy. There are those of us who fight and those of us who don't, I guess.
But my patience with backing down for the sake of composure has worn thin I think. I came into this world and was raised in this world to be kind to everyone. I still believe in that and I still live by that.

But I also came into this party for the beer and it looks like we're running out of beer.
:)