There are a lot of little lessons here and there that I've stumbled upon during my journey into adulthood. At the time, typically when I'm at my most pissed off or disappointed, I lament no one having warned me earlier in life. Call it a bit of a tantrum if you will. A few of my closest friends and loved ones will tell you, I'm still very capable of throwing fits.
When we're children, we look to our parents, friends, family members, community role models, well, most adults really, for guidance and direction. We take cues from them as to how we should behave and treat others. We look to them for wisdom, experience, and ultimately, expertise in all things foreign and unfamiliar. As I look back on the first 31 1/2 years of my life (*gasp!*), I can honestly say we talked little of the following obstacles, in these terms anyway, and because of how those experiences changed and shaped my life today, I'm grateful...
1. Your period really is as bad as everyone says.
The only information I received regarding menstruation was through the wisdom of Judy Bloom and one very nervous health aid who gave a 5th grade demonstration about maxi pads from the early 60s. They may have been antiques, I don't know, but I'd never seen a BELT before and to this day, am not sure what that contraption was supposed to do.
I didn't get mine until nearly three years after those two mini-interventions. My first cramps sent me to the nurse's office and I was certain I was dying of some illness I could have picked up from traipsing around the woods with our ecology class. (Must have been the Jack-in-the-Pulpits.)
I don't mean to dwell on this one, but men, if your lady is having a "time," be sympathetic. It's often as bad as they describe. They call us the stronger sex for a reason. ;-)
2. You can be anything you want to be.
I struggle with this one because I want everyone I know to achieve their dreams and attain their goals. But, not everyone is in tune enough with his/her talents and desires to find the best path. When I was in 7th grade, I wanted to play basketball. I had practiced and had been on the 5th and 6th grade teams. My coach the previous season told my mother, "Dana just doesn't have any hand-eye coordination," but I tried out nonetheless.
I was crushed when I got cut. I was even sadder when I realized that I was cut for not only my lack of skills, but because I had to go so another person could play. I cried a lot. I felt like a loser.
Then, I took that desire to play ball a bit further. 1) I did TOO have hand-eye coordination and I did TOO have a chance. I made the track team and later, set nearly seven records for my high school softball team.
You can't necessarily be anything, but you can become pretty damn good at something in the same family of that one thing you love.
I still play softball and run.
3. These are the best days of your life.
High school is certainly NOT the best time of your life. I had a pretty good high school experience, but had I tried to cram in all of my interests into four years, I'd have peaked by 18. High school is stepping stone. It's the place to hone in on your skills, develop interests, and form those into a career path. It's a time for friendships that ebb and flow with the social climate and a time to build a transcript so you can go to a really really good college and start having FUN.
High school is not the place to slack off, no matter what they tell you. Sure, most high school stuff is too easy (pun intended), but it's the place to start forming a backbone so you can ultimately become You.
Better days come later.
4. All men are pigs.
This isn't true either. Most men lead with both heads.
The ones who don't...worry.
(and that goes for both)
5. Some people are pigs.
In grade school, college, careers, and on through life, you'll encounter people who hurt you, piss you off, take you for granted, and are ultimately the boils on the butt of humanity. How you handle them is what matters. Always stay true to your instincts and values and always treat others as you'd like to be treated.
There will always be haters.
And their lives will suck more than yours.
Take it in stride.
6. You should drive a shitty car at least once.
No one told me I should like my 1984 Ford LTD. No one told me to appreciate the white walls, the red velvet cake interior, the rear wheel drive, and the fact that it was a tank, blockading me off from anything around it.
It was only when I crashed into a minivan, flipping that van completely over, that I appreciated that old land yacht. Had it not had an incredibly lengthy schnoz, my legs would have been broken. Having to drive a POS at some point in your life, builds character and brings you to appreciate the cars you own later in life.
Thank you, Dad. I seriously did NOT hit that van on purpose, totaling the LTD. I SWEAR!
7. Love will hurt sometimes.
I got a lot of advice and insight from my parents, but neither instructed me on the powers of love. Perhaps they were protecting me or perhaps they wanted me to burn my own path. At the end of the day, I'm glad they didn't skew the truths for me nor paint an unrealistic picture.
I fell in love a few times. I got hurt a few times.
I hurt a few guys a long the way.
I fell for some stupid lines and I passed up a few good ones.
As the journey continued, each scar became one more piece of the map.
You have to know pain to really appreciate pleasure.
(*We're talking emotional stuff here, people. If a man/woman slaps you around, get the F outta there.)
8. Do Unto Others...
Despite my upbringing, I've learned that not everyone cares. Most people don't. You can give and give and give until it hurts or until it leaves you dry, but if no one gives back, walk away. Reciprocity is so important for healthy relationships. There is a lot of joy in giving. There's a lot of stupidity in letting someone continue to take advantage of you.
Love unconditionally. That's fine.
Just don't be a sucker.
9. Looks don't matter.
I wish this one was true. I always received pretty positive reinforcement as a kid, but wow if the world isn't cruel. We are shown in the media that to be beautiful we need to look young, be thin, be sexy, be everything that Barbie was and then some. Rejection based upon looks is a toughie, because at our core, we can be the nicest, smartest, most wonderful person and people will still judge based upon whether or not we can wear a single-digit size or have clear skin.
Again, how you handle judgment and being passed over for someone with a little more physical chutzpa is the lesson here. At the end of the day, you have to love yourself. Everyone else can go to hell. The world isn't perfect. No one is perfect.
You don't have to be.
But some will always think it.
On the flip side, looks matter to us. We walk around comparing ourselves left and right with other men and women who have better legs, better boobs, better hair, and so on. In the process, we belittle ourselves and perpetuate the delusion that looks are everything. I confess, I have a hard time not comparing myself with other women who I feel are more attractive than I am. I've wasted a lot of time envying others when I could have been celebrating my own assets.
Looks do matter, but they
should only matter as one facet of the comprehensive healthy person.10. Tattoos mean you're a lazy sumbitch.
I had to include this one. I have a super conservative social circle (with the exception of a few key players). Growing up, tattoos were the mark of laziness and weirdness, right up there next to long hair on men and piercings. When I turned 28, I wanted a tattoo. I had spent a year picking it out and deciding what fit my life in that moment. I wanted something to "center" me and to reflect on who I was and who I was becoming.
I chose the Celtic Tree of Life.
A friend tattooed the tree on my neck. I reasoned, it was centered and it was in a place that shouldn't (note - shouldn't) stretch too much or get too fat. I also strategically had it placed underneath my long hair.
I then spent the next year hiding it from my mother, father, and family members.
Two lessons here: I'm an incredibly hard worker. The tattoo didn't change that.
And two, you should never hide what makes you, you.
I've never regretted this tattoo.
11. You have to have children in your 20s.
This is an unspoken rule in the Midwest. Some will go so far as to make babies BEFORE they're in their 20s.
Lesson learned though: if you're not mature enough to take care of yourself, then you're not mature enough to be a parent. Proceed with caution.
Women will sometimes condescend on other women who don't have children. I recently heard, "You're gonna be an OLD parent!!!"
I still don't know what's wrong with that.
I love children. I just have to take care of a few other things first.
12. Things are not always as they seem.
Sometimes a jerk really is a jerk. I once knew a guy who took advantage of everyone he knew. He openly claimed he was an asshole and a jerk and before he left the state, I came to agree with him. Some people are nasty people and the real ones know it and say it.
13. Some relationships put the FUN in DYSFUNCTIONAL.
I'm going to end on this one. I wish I had had a dollar for every time someone told me to give up on a friend or person who, paired with me, made for a bad combination. And at times, they were right. However, had it not been for all of those awkward, uncomfortable, and downright unpleasant times, I'd have never learned the difference between a bad relationship and a healthy one.
I have a best friend who most people think treats me like crap. And yeah, sometimes she really does, but we go back years and we've perfected a snarky, condescending-ish friendship over years of treating each other like sisters instead of friends.
Despite her razor sharp remarks, that girl would be the first one to rush in when I was in danger. There are points for that.
Real points.
Ask yourself how many friends you have who would jump in first, and ask questions later?
I don't mean you should nurture horrible relationships or abusive ones, but know the difference. Give and take. It all depends on the level where you and that person or persons can really thrive.
Be a good friend and you'll attract others.
Be a taker or an epic fail at friendship...well then I just don't get you at all.
I never really got into it with my role models during my childhood. All of my influences (family, friends) provided me with strength and endurance, but the above topics were ones we talked little or not at all about. And for that, I'm still thankful.
Otherwise, I'd have never learned a thing.
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