Journeying through the mess of divorce for women can be incredibly stressful and emotional. If I could summarize this post with one sound piece of advice:
Don't be a Bitch.
I know what you're thinking. You've earned the right to be a bitch. You've earned the right to be mad and yell and do all things crazy in the name of that God-forsaken-asshole who's put you through hell. He deserves it. He ruined everything. He's a piece of crap human being. And so on...trust me, I know the excuses and I know all the reasons you're angry.
I was too.
I mean, let's face it, if you're a living, breathing woman, you're probably angry with or without a divorce on your record.
That said, in the spirit of progress and your own health, "Check Yourself, Before You Wreck Yourself."
Acting like a crazy psycho bitch regarding your ex-husband and his life makes YOU (say it with me) YOU look bad. Let's get one thing straight - talking trash, making problems, being all-around mean and nasty, spreading rumors, posting bad remarks, etc - all of it makes YOU look like a piece of crap, not him.
Who wins?
Him.
So why do it? And I get it, it's very easy to let go of your anger and reign it down unleashed and without much foresight, but in the end, it hurts only one person specifically, YOU.
Your goal? Never reached.
Your friends? Put out and tired of your whining and complaining.
Your family? Although sympathetic, also tired of your whining and complaining.
Your ex? Annoyed, but you've gone so far as to make his reason for not being with you, a wiser decision. Call it a stamp of approval on your break up, especially for him.
Your children if you have them? Victims.
(The last is incredibly sad and not at all acceptable.)
Here are some things to keep in mind as you struggle through the beginning or aftermath of your divorce. First, it's happening for a reason. Both you and your former spouse are at fault. One's fault may be lesser than the other, but you are both responsible for the formation, maintenance, and destruction of that relationship. Think about what roles you played. Think about what you did or didn't do. No, I'm not advocating lashing blame to yourself, but try to think clearly about what happened and what events played up to where you are today.
Think about them. Learn from them. And let them the hell go.
Beating yourself up about it isn't an option. Beating him up for it shouldn't be either.
Secondly, think about you and your children (if there are any) or other people impacted directly by your decision-making in this moment. What you say and do now can have a ripple effect that lasts forever. Your reactions and comments may hurt others and ultimately not hurt the one person you want to injure - badly.
What good does that do?
None.
It's okay to be mad. It's even okay to talk at length about how mad, how hurt, how upset, how frustrated, how unfair it is, how stupid it is, how stressful, with someone you trust. Write it down in a journal and mark your progression through your emotions. It helps. I recommend counseling. A counselor who you respect and trust will do wonders for this period of time - this time of just raw hurting.
There's nothing wrong with working through your emotions, be it right after the decision is made or years down the road. Reflection and emotional journeys are natural, and part of our composition as women. (I think it's in the estrogen, but I don't know the scientific information to back up that hunch.)
When you write down or talk about your emotions, try your best to think clearly. For instance, be rational about what happened.
Facts are different than inferences or rumors. Stick with what you know to be true. If you don't know, or if it isn't true, throw the impulse away. Any adherence to rumors, gossip, or falsehoods only perpetuate your feelings into despair and distrust. You can't help yourself if you believe what can't be proven or can't be shown to be true. You can't move on with an obsession about what he may have done, may have said, may have been. Take what's true, get pissed, and work it through.
It's easy to spiral into crazy thinking and depression when we think of all the what-ifs that could have plagued your marriage. What if he cheated? What if he never loved me? What if he really did run up the credit card? What if he never wanted children? What if, what if, what if! WTF!? Those what-ifs only cast doubt, additional pain, and frankly, stupidity on an already painful break-up.
Try not bringing unwarranted pain into the equation and see what happens. Write down what you know and what you can prove. Be angry and hurt from there. You'll heal faster. Trust me on this.
When I was going through a divorce, I suspected my ex of having relationships with other women I didn't know. Not sexual ones, professional or conversational ones that he neglected to share with me. Did I have proof? No. Did I have suspicions? Yes.
When it came down to brass tax, I couldn't prove it and I didn't know it to be true. So I let it go.
I wrote it down on a piece of paper and literally, burned it up. It didn't matter. What mattered was that my relationship was over and my own, personal hell was beginning. Change was coming whether I was pissed about the rumors or not.
I beat myself up for weeks thinking of the various reasons he may have not been more attracted to me, interested in me, close to me, etc. I got mad. I got really mad. And then I realized...we both are responsible for not caring enough. We were both too into ourselves and our own approaches to living and we didn't communicate or compromise together to make things work well. And so, the marriage died.
It didn't mean our respect for one another or our potential friendship had to die.
And it didn't.
I'm thankful that I worked through my fears and anxieties about that to ensure that my ex and I maintained a positive, healthy break up. It worked for me. It can work for you.
A few tips:
1. Get mad. Don't get even. There is nothing you can do to control what he does, who he spends his time with, and what choices he makes from this point forward. Sure, you have an opinion, but focusing on his life only means you're neglecting yours. Who wants to do that? Here's your chance to be a better you. Take it.
2. Develop healthy relationships with your children, your family, and your friends. Do it. It helps and it's worth it. They care about you; be sure to care about them.
3. Don't Facebook stalk. Don't try to see his social networking pages or his girlfriends' pages or his friends' pages. It's stupid and you'll misinterpret everything to be about you and the divorce. Quit working on your espionage skills and get a life.
Hear me?
Get a LIFE.
It's genuinely what you need.
4. Get healthy. Work out. Eat right. Work on a better, healthier you - emotionally, physically, and mentally. Take yoga. Run. Talk to a counselor or friend you trust. Lean on others for support and offer your support for others. Be a contributing person. Get involved in your community.
5. Be a stunning example of maturity. By not buying into the hype of a crazy ex, you're saying "I'm more focused on my priorities and my goals than on the pain of the past. I'm moving forward and don't need to lower myself or my standards to get into petty situations that only hurt myself and others."
You're basically telling your ex, especially if he's into drama, to F-Off. See? It worked.
Your own confidence and progress shows that he is not a roadblock for you and in the end, you win.
Seriously - I know what I'm talking about here. There's nothing cool about being a gossip, a rumor-spreader, a bitch, a hag, a bitter ex, or a trash-talking vengeful person. Doing this only makes you look bad and it makes most people NOT want to be around you. This is not the time to alienate everyone and push your supports away. In extreme cases, being a psycho ex can get you arrested. It can make others lose respect for you. You can lose respect for yourself.
No one wants that.
Especially you.
Sure, your ex may be evil.
But evil doesn't have to be you.
You know what they say about the high road.
TAKE IT.
And be a happier woman for it.
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