"I just came here to kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're all outta beer."

In the cult classic, Dazed and Confused, there's a crucial scene where Adam Goldberg's nerdy character, Mike, offends a party-goer named Clint by commenting about the "reefer" smell at the Moon Tower party. Clint, likely too buzzed and likely a rendition of a typical ego-driven bad boy, takes Mike's off-handed comment and responds by confronting him and attempting to initiate a fight. Before things get out of hand, Clint makes the remark that I've used for the title of today's blog.

If you're like me, Dazed and Confused is a film you had to see back in high school and you can remember hundreds of funny lines and several awkward scenes like this one. For Mike, this scene leaves him a state of unprepared shock. A goody-goody and scholastic achiever, Mike (so it seems) has never been confronted by someone threatening verbal or physical abuse and his initial response is to apologize, cower away, and let the tension pass. However, for those who remember the film, Mike doesn't handle the embarrassment of being confronted for long and later plots to start his own fight with Clint.

My point? To talk about the awkward, aggressive moment. You know the ones; the moments when you've unintentionally made someone angry and you're ill-prepared to respond to abusive comments or the threat of a physical fight. If you're the Clint type, well then, you may want to gloss over this entry.

Most of us want to avoid confrontation if at all possible. The thought of someone kicking our asses or having to defend ourselves against a verbal assault is enough to make us tell every white lie in history to avoid a "scene," especially in public.

Yesterday, I upset a man who wanted to use the computer service in my office. He knew he wasn't allowed to use the service and had been lying each time he came in in order to do so. Having been caught, he was angry that I had told him "No." At this point, the man towered over me screaming, "I ain't gonna have no woman telling me what to do! I do what I want to do! And I'm gonna come back and do something about this!"
In the moment, I felt my blood turn hot, felt my face flush, and got that tingle under my skin that warns: "You're in a situation. Time to choose your response."
My knee-jerk response would have been: "You know what, a-hole? That's just fine! That's just fine that you don't want a woman telling you what to do and so if that's the case, get your drunk, ugly ass out of my office because right now, the woman is running the place!"
(I would have my fists clenched up too.)
BUT! The response that came out was, "I'm sorry you feel that way, sir. Please come back when you have satisfied your requirements for use of the computer lab."

Talk about anti-climatic. Meanwhile, I'm left with the stress of unused anger, the blood still boiling, the teeth grinding, the face screwed up in a perpetual smirk that reads "I cannot believe that guy F-ed with me."
That guy? He left with the comfort of having spoken his piece - anger left like glass shattered all over my office floor. More crap to step in during the day.

How many times do we choke on our own rage and initial response to defend and protect ourselves? How often do you fall on your own sword to protect those around you or for the sake of being composed, professional, polite? I liken the unspent frustration to having a profound case of gastrointestinal woe.

It sucks. When I was 21, I went to a Muncie Wal-Mart (gasp!) to buy some booze with a friend. Back then, we were high on the fact that we were of age and if we could get Icehouse or Keystone or Dark Eyes at Wal-Mart, that was fine by us. Upon leaving the store, I saw a woman dragging her toddler daughter by the hair and screaming obscenities. The little girl was sobbing and struggling and this cow of a woman was just beating the tar out of her in the parking lot.
(Note - this WAS Wal-Mart after all!)

My gut got the best of me in this situation. I passed our bags to my friend and went charging after this woman, incensed and driven by a mission to protect someone smaller, more innocent than myself. Screaming, "You better let go of her! Pick on someone your own size!" I got within feet of this woman who turned to me, fist raised, and ready to hit the next person who got in her way. "I know the difference between discipline and beating!" I shouted, "And if you want to beat on someone, go on and try beating up on me!"

Poor little girl, she took one look at my stupid college girl outfit and flabbity arms and made a face as if to say "Girl, you're not going to win this thing. You've made it worse."

The woman charged at me and in the moment, the 'flight' response kicked in. I grabbed for my cell phone threatening to dial 911. I knew just then that this woman a) out-sized me by about 50-100 pounds and b) wasn't afraid of doing damage to me. My dialing the phone stopped her. The passersby stopped her. And the crisis was averted.

Again, a missed chance to tangle with someone, but at least we were both alive and relatively unharmed. Again, a waste of rage.

At a concert not long ago, an angry audience member shoved me out of her way, both hands on my shoulders. She was mad because I was taking photos of the band and in the front row. To make matters worse, she was delusioned into thinking I was the new lead singer's girlfriend. (Not true, but I challenge anyone to talk sense into a clinically crazy person.)
As she shoved me, I felt this was the PERFECT opportunity for a brawl. I haven't been in a fight since I was ten. Here was my chance.

And I backed away. My friend stepped in and checked the situation by telling Ms. Crazy Pants just where she could take her crazy self. The loon was hauled off by her buddies shortly after.

What's my point? I'm not a violent person. I have a long history of missed chances to go to the floor with people who are mean to me; people who are abusive; people who are just plain crazy. There are those of us who fight and those of us who don't, I guess.
But my patience with backing down for the sake of composure has worn thin I think. I came into this world and was raised in this world to be kind to everyone. I still believe in that and I still live by that.

But I also came into this party for the beer and it looks like we're running out of beer.
:)

On Midwestern Winters...

If you're currently living in the "Bible Belt," you've just now come to grips with the sneaky F-U Mother Nature pulled this year. Tricked into getting comfy with the 50 degree "heat," most of us have been blindly, maybe smugly, trucking along in light jackets all the way through November. The turkey month was just long enough for many of us to forget the big reason residents evacuate to the coasts: WINTER.

Don't get me wrong, we're not ignorant of the fact that winters here are terrible, terrible meaning icky, icy, blechy, and depression-inducing. They are rarely catastrophic and they are rarely so problematic that survival is difficult. However, Midwestern winters are typically lengthy (think late October/early November through March+) and are peppered with periods of sleet, solid ice, large mountains of snow, the coldest rain this side of Canada, and possibly the most infuriating traffic issues known to man.

The last of these is that the Midwest is always somehow surprised by the first winter blast. Salt trucks are often late out of the gate and are ill-equipped to handle the large number of roads. If you live in the country or a smaller neighborhood, forget it, you're snow bound for awhile. City management simply doesn't have enough coin in the coffer to be proactive and if not for the private snow plowers, many of us would be screwed.

The first few days of winter are also a traffic nightmare because drivers simply weren't ready for the hit. This year, it was worse given that three extra weeks of cool, even-tempered bliss. The first snowflake brings most of the Fort Wayne area drivers to a screeching halt. Pumping the brakes at 20 mph, more accidents in those first few hours are caused by the over-cautious rather than the stupid.

The morning commute is enough to test Ghandi's level of patience. Mind you, only one or two school buses are on the road because most systems shut down at the sight of black ice anymore, banking on a fistful of snow days reserved by the state. Drivers crawl from street to street, leaving safe space between one another while braking a mile ahead of schedule for each turn. Inevitably, some rager will finally lose his/her piece behind the wheel and 'make a break for it,' revving up to the speed limit and passing. This guy/gal usually ends up in a ditch further down the road while the rest of creep by wagging fingers and pretending that if knew how to slow down on the icy road, we'd actually stop and help them out.
You can hear 911 sirens between 7 am and 10 am and 4 pm and 6 pm daily. Guess what? The speed limit guy and the 20 mph under person wrecked. Shocker.
The rest of us just added two additional hours to our work day. *snarl*

If you work for a school or have kids in school or heck, are still in school, you typically spend between 5:30 am and 7:30 am, making frequent stops in front of the TV, hands clasped, praying for a delay or a cancellation. This dance adds more minutes to your day and as it gets closer and closer to "go time," the angrier you get when you realize your school system is on time. Expletives and shouts of "Don't they know how bad it is out there!" reverberate against the walls as you now rush to get your car defrosted in time to at least manage to get to work/school only fifteen minutes late.
As you drive, you're usually hoping for the radio to announce your cancellation, but alas, you're now at school and it's time to start your day. Mind you, your 8 hour day is now advanced to 12 given the lead time you need to drive. Congratulations! You're a 'workaholic.'

If you work at a school or attend school, the entire day will be spent either a) fielding angry phone calls from parents and students who "CANNOT BELIEVE you didn't cancel," or b) commiserating with fellow students about the long, treacherous commute you have that evening.

Meanwhile, your K-12 pals are adding an hour of sleep to their day and contemplating pancakes and eggs over a PopTarts today. Dammit.

What's amazing is how cyclical this is. We ALL do this! We all get outraged when our work/school doesn't delay or cancel and we all white-knuckle it to work and back every day, cursing other drivers and this middle finger they call Iowa through Ohio. We drive like paper assholes and bitch and moan while we try to ramp up the driveway once a plow has heaped snow and ice in front of the driveway. (To ramp it or not to ramp it? The answer is usually NOT if you value your exhaust system AT ALL.)

And winter is ALL anyone around here can talk about too. Every other Facebook status is "Winter, GRRR" or "FU WINTER!" or "Commuting to work was an eternal suck," etc. The office is littered with conversation of "Is it okay if I'm a few minutes late due to the roads?" or "You won't believe how LONG it took me to get here!" You can actually read the thoughts on employees faces - "How many sick days do I have left?"

I won't lie. I do all of this too. Maybe not the sick days part, but I find myself wondering just how early you can leave the house and still be thirty minutes late and it still be okay? This time of year is the only time (mind you it's half the calendar year) that I go from road raging lunatic behind the wheel to a driver akin to an 90 year-old, cataract patient. This morning, I actually talked myself into wearing my snow boots ALL day at the office - no small feat for a girl who prides herself on nice shoes. And yes, I cursed out loud when my back passenger window REFUSED to roll back up once down. (That'll teach me to take the shortcut when getting the snow off the windows. Only a snow brush works without damaging the car.)

And I guess what I lament most about the winter is that it's not nearly as fun anymore. Being an adult has changed what snow is for me. The only time that I feel snow is a blessing and not a burden are the weekends when I may WANT to make a snowman or shovel the drive to burn calories. But ask me to drive in it? No thank you. The weekend is when I can get excited about mittens and hot chocolate and sledding and skiing and all those cool things that winter is supposed to mean to people.

Winter forces us all indoors - to the dry, hot air that ruins our pores and frizzes our hair. Unless you can afford all the designer trends, for comfort you're relegated to giant sweaters and hoodies and hats and we all walk around like proverbial marshmallows.
(Which isn't so bad actually.)
Winter is when you have about thirty blankets on your bed because it's just so damn expensive to pay for heat here. (Don't be fooled: apartment people and homeowners alike spend similarly on heat.)
Winter is when we test our driving chops and designated drivers are at a premium. Winter is when a cold blast can cut you down to the bone and leave you shaking like a crazy person, while you pump gas or go out to see if your pipes indeed, have frozen.

We all think we'll be prepared when it gets here, but it doesn't really happen.
This year, I hope to enjoy winter. As I ramble, I hope that I find the beauty in it and quit seeing it like some giant, icy-fingered monster that always sucks the motivation from my soul.
(Think Chinese takeout, M&Ms, and hours of movies)
This year, I hope to look forward to ice skating and not have stress for hours about driving to work in the morning.
This year, I hope winter is over in February.
EARLY.

And you know, maybe it will. After all, we had Fall through November.
:)

Drive safely, friends.
Happy Winter.

The MM Guide to Surviving the Holidays

It's November, two days before Thanksgiving, and already the local radio stations are playing nonstop Christmas tunes. Each year, it seems the trees, the lights, the music, the window displays - they all come out a bit earlier than the year before. Sooner or later, we'll just start dumping leftover Halloween candy into stockings. Might as well, right?

That said, I love the holiday season. To a point. Thanksgiving is no exception. I get a little miffed each year when we seem, as an American society, to gloss over what I feel is an important celebration. (No, it has nothing to do with my birthday being often the same day.) I like the season of giving thanks and giving presents and good cheer to others. It just makes me feel all kinds of warm and fuzzy inside.

However, the holidays are also a time of sadness and depression for some people. For most, the holidays are chocked full of stress too. There are family members to entertain; parties to host or attend; church functions (if you're the type); lots of shopping to do; etc. It's enough to make the average person just...stall. The following are my tips for surviving the holidays in good form. They are not only for you, but for me as well. Fa la la la la la la...

1. Shop early. No, I don't mean in June or July, but that's awesome if you think that far in advance. Waiting until December 15th or later is just going to stress you out and a lot of the good stuff is picked over. The best part of giving gifts to people you care about is putting thought and feeling behind it. I just don't think you can do that at the 11th hour while trying to choose between a drugstore perfume or a fruitcake. Sorry.

2. Avoid Black Friday like the plague. Hello sheep! This is our way of getting you to spend MORE MONEY on CRAP you DON'T NEED! Getting pneumonia while waiting in line at 3 AM for a Tickle-Me-Elmo is dumb dumb dumb. If it's about toys, remember this...your kids (depending on age) will be more likely to make a big deal about what YOU make a big deal about. It's often cooler to NOT be doing what everyone else is doing. Think about that saying "If everyone jumped off a bridge..." You can't tell me that the only way to get a good deal on a Wii is spending the night outside of Target Thanksgiving eve. Balderdash!

Black Friday is when people cram shoulder-to-shoulder into stores, grabbity-grabbing their way through tons of toys, electronics, clothes, and all sorts of other gifts. All those people + confined spaces + stress + time limits = STINKY STINKY STINKY. I can't even fathom the amount of germs and the stench from people hustling and bustling like mad people. I suppose I could liken it to the Vera Bradley Sale which is the only other place in the world (aside from a prison) where I've witnessed women coming to fisticuffs over something as silly as a patterned bag.

3. Give from the heart. Choose your gifts with thoughtfulness and fun in mind. Don't expect gifts. Make someone's day by getting them what you think they really really want. Don't skimp. That doesn't mean spend a lot of money - that means dedicating a little time, creativity, and good cheer to the assignment. Don't just give gifts to give gifts.

4. Be careful when re-gifting! Make damn sure that necklace you're giving to Aunt so-and-so isn't the same one Aunt so-and-so gave you last year. AWKWARD.
It's better to not re-gift really. Donate unwanted gifts or take them back to the store. You really can only re-gift certain items like candles, unused lotions, etc. without being a real jerk.

5. Show appreciation. I don't care who you are, if you open a gift from someone, act happy about it. Be nice. Be appreciative. So what if it's not what you were hoping for or if it's really ugly. That person gave you something when he/she didn't have to - to make you smile. Tossing it aside and gunning for the next present is selfish and rude. Spend time saying 'thank you' and watching others open their gifts. It's not all about you, ya know.

6. Decorate tastefully. Nothing says stupid like dumb decorations. Less is more. Mind you, if your yard is a winter wonderland and your family loves it, you can afford the bill, and it's in the spirit of happiness and good cheer, go for it. Just know some people are laughing at your lack of taste. If you don't care, that's awesome. You're Chevy Chase and I applaud you. Seriously. :) When it comes to decorating, a few things, but this is my opinion only - white lights are cool. Red lights send the wrong message. Blue lights are tricky. Black lights says you're having a rager, not celebrating the Santa. Multicolor lights are okay, but only if they're the really old, super retro ones. Candles are terrific. Wreaths are tasteful. Blow-up figurines...not my style, but it may be yours. White trees, en vogue. Green trees, wonderfully traditional. Fake or real? You decide. A Charlie Brown tree is ALWAYS a good idea too. :)

7. Sing a little. Break out the Nat King Cole or any other hit list to celebrate the seasons. There's nothing wrong with singing out of tune one time a year if it makes you happy.

8. Watch your favorite films. If you don't like A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, or A Christmas Story, then I don't get you. If you don't like A Charlie Brown Christmas, wow. Amazing. But think about your traditions when it comes to music and movies. Go see a show. Buy a leg lamp and get down with being corny for a month or two. It's refreshing.

9. Cook. Oh my gosh, cook. If you aren't good at it, try. It's fun. Make cookies, candy, dinners, whatever. It's fun. Cooking a little will make you appreciate what you're eating a lot more and you'll consume less.

10. Don't be offensive at work. If you're wearing jingle bells, you should probably take them off. Holiday colors are okay. An occasional Christmas earring or hat is considered passable. But! Don't get caught like Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones' Diary - wearing a reindeer jumper like a fool. Save it for an Ugly Sweater party or for Christmas Day with your family. They probably got it for you. :)

11. Be festive. In the Midwest, we tend to regularly be stand-offish and jerky in general. Take a cue from our friends to the south and be warm and giving during this time at least. Say "hello" to strangers; be nice to clerks in stores; say 'please' and 'thank you'; hold the door for someone; let the old ladies cross the road before you turn; etc. You never know, the spirit just may hold over until February at least. If someone lets you in front of them in a long line of traffic, wave thank you. If someone drops a gift card, pick it up and hand it to them. Smile a lot. You'll be surprised at how many people a) talk to you or b) smile back at least.

12. Think about your year. Really think about it. What happened? What did you learn? This is not a time to have regrets, but to grow. Think about your loved ones and the experiences you've had with them. Think about the coming year and the hopes and fears you have. Think about funny times and sad times and crazy times and tough times and reflect on how those experiences have helped to compose the you that you are at the end of 2010. Think about your relationships. Think about your career. Think about your sense of ethics and spirituality. Think about love, hope, patience, sadness, joy, fear, pain, kindness...the whole gamut. I mean my God, how often do we really take a moment and really just...THINK.
Pour another cup of hot chocolate or coffee, sit down by yourself, and do some soul-searching. If you can be outside, that's even better.
Appreciate your life for what it is, what it's taught you, and where it's going to lead.

Happy Holidays.
:)

Wake up call: It's okay to love somebody.

The MM blog is often an outlet for venting and observations of what is flawed in life. I'm switching gears today to bring you what I consider a positive message.

I've been thinking a lot about "love" lately and what that genuinely means. Sure, we use the term every day sometimes when we refer to places, foods, things...but how often do we really, really mean it? Love's kind of a big deal, a real term that carries some 'ooomph' in it and lately, I've observed many people throw it around like it's the equivalent to "like."
It's not.

When I was really young, think pre-teens, my father always scolded me for using the word "hate." In response to a fight with my best friend, I'd shout "I HATE her!" Upon hearing this, my dad would jump on me saying sternly "You don't hate anyone." I used to resent that comment. My knee-jerk response was to say "Oh yes, yes I do HATE her," but upon thinking a moment, did I really? Hate? I equated the term "hate" after some thought, with torture and unspoken nastiness and in real life, did I really wish those things on my friend? Well, no. The truth was, I didn't mean it. Years later, I still rarely use the word hate, especially when referring to people. The truth is, I don't hate anyone. Still. Now, ask me about cauliflower, I may respond differently. (Yuk! I don't mind living in a universe without cauliflower.)


It's the same thing with Love. There are varying degrees of love, true, but this word, like hate, packs a punch. It is designed to be used for those people and things that you genuinely, truly care deeply about, be it family, a lover, a friend, a pet,...you name it.

I know some people who use the word "love" like they do Kleenex. "Ooooh, I looooovveeeee you!" can often be heard in a crowded bar, women throwing this phrase on their girlfriends and acquaintances in a scenario where even the non-drunks are supposed to reply with an "I loooooovveeeee you too!" (insert booty shaking, arm flailing, and hugging) Others spout "I love you" as a closer to conversations with their family or significant other in the same tone as they said "Hello." I've heard people swoon with "love" over Coach bags, a meal, presents, etc. Hmmm...

For me, Love's kind of a big deal. I confess, there were years when I took the word for granted; however, I've seen the phrase "I love xxxxx" taken for granted so many times, it suddenly seems to deserve a place of respect in my own life. I've had this conversation several times with my boyfriend. We tend to agree on the use of the word, Love. (This is incredibly helpful, I might add.) Neither of us ever want to casually use that three-word phrase. I never want to say it and not mean it. I have to say, I love that man. In a society where it's en vogue to hide feelings and put up a wall against all things intimate, I confess I'm head-over-heels, in love with my boyfriend. He's a wonderful guy and to me, is worthy of the specifically-used phrase.

What does that mean? It means it's okay to love somebody - to love them in a run-out-in-front-of-a-bus-for-them kind of way. It means wanting that person to be a better person, even if it's not always going to put you first too. It means wanting that person's contentment and success, individually as well as within the confines of your relationship. This applies to friends and family too. It's okay to genuinely, openly, charismatically love someone. Loving someone means putting down a guard and letting yourself be the real you. Loving someone means making yourself vulnerable, making a conscious effort every day to love and be the real 'you' every day so you can love the real them. It's not easy.

But to me, that's what love is. Loving someone is being open about that in front of others, saying it, but more importantly, doing it. Showing it. Even when you're at your ugliest and most insensitive, it means leaving zero doubt that you care for those people who genuinely have a spot in your heart. Loving someone means having the balls to tell them off if you have to, if it's what's needed to move forward. It means showing yourself, in all its phases, to those you truly care about.

It is not the same as loving a meal. It's not the same as loving your new nail polish. It's not even the same when you say it to people just to be friendly. Love means being real.
It means showing up, showing it, and digging in for the betterment of that relationship.

I have to admit, I have a real problem with loving. After years of failed friendships, failed relationships, and at times, serious betrayal, there's a part of me that still needs to work on trust, to work on being open about how I feel about people. It's sometimes difficult to know if I love someone. But I do. I can count on ten fingers the people I genuinely love and I'm pretty sure they all know who they are. I wake up every day thinking about them and how I can show them how important they are to me. (Cheesy, maybe, but true, yes.) I spend at least one moment (often more) thinking about these people and who they are becoming, where they're going, and how I can be a part of that journey and contribute. Some of these people are children, others are adults. I'd take a punch or jab for them any day.

Everyone else? I like them. I have to accept that there's only so much room for me to love, but that doesn't mean I don't care about or like everyone else. I do. Very much. But I'd be a jerk for saying "I love you." It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me. I will tell you though, I care about more people than you can imagine. Love, well, it's just different for me.

Love doesn't equate to my obsession with peanut M&Ms and favorite boots. Love isn't the same as really enjoying someone's company or experiencing a good grade. Love, it's a helluva lot deeper, more intimate, more entangled, and frankly, requires more responsibility than that.



Think about it the next time you quickly respond with "I love xxxxx" or "I lurrrrvee you" in a bar. Do you MEAN it?! Do you love that person enough to sacrifice, compromise, be real with,...enough to be openly, entirely you with for the sake of burring deeper in a relationship of friendship, romance, family? If not, shut up. You don't love them. You like them. You care about them. You wanna be friends with them. You respect them. You admire them. You kinda sorta woulda coulda wanna have a coffee with them sometime, maybe sorta. But you don't LOVE them.

Stop using it. It's liberating. Save the word for those you don't want to be without. And back that up with being a better person for those you love. The saying goes that you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. There's a lot of truth here.

Confession: I have hard time loving myself. (Ouch, that hurts.) It's taken me years to get to place where I like myself enough, and finally love myself enough to really, truly put myself out there. And you know what? My relationships are stronger for it. I'm not perfect (see previous blog), but I'm thousands, millions, of miles away from the me I was. I think a lot of women especially have a hard time loving themselves first. Take a time out and think about why you should and can love yourself.
(I know, this is verging on smarmy, but you get my point.)

Until you can respect and love yourself, with all your baggage, all your worries, all your idiosyncrasies, you're never going to mean "I love you" the way you should. And that means actively putting yourself in front of the mirror and accepting that you look like you. That means not beating yourself up for saying something weird or falling down in some literal or metaphorical way. It means acceptance and making room to let others in.

And it's really really really tough. But it's worth it. I don't have even half the answers when it comes to relationships, but after years of heartache, I know the above is true. It's the only thing that can work. It means putting yourself, your own love, first, so you can be a better partner, friend, family member, parents, etc to others.


It's only then you can truly feel what you're saying.
And that's a beautiful thing.

Trust me.

Irrational Fears...For real guys, this is serious.

I'll be brief, but having just unintentionally swallowed a tangerine seed, I thought I'd dedicate this blog to my most irrational fears...Enjoy.

1. Swallowing seeds. It must have been that story they told us as kids about the watermelon that was going to grow in your tummy if you swallowed the seeds rather than spit them out. I kept worrying about that until I realized that some of my friends were just pregnant. :)

2. Semi tractor-trailers. These monsters jack-knife and load-shift. How is that NOT terrifying. I'll just hammer the accelerator until I'm safely out of your jurisdiction semi-driver. Besides, you're only going 60 mph anyway.

3. Eating chewing gum. Again, childhood stories. I still sometimes think about the floor of my stomach resembling the blacktop at Carlin Park Elementary. It was pretty gummy.
Eeeew.

4. Getting poor grades. I have no other excuse than that I'm a bonafide NERD.

5. The dryer blowing up. You know this one...the one about the lint trap? Despite cleaning it regularly, I always wonder if that thing's gonna catch fire while I'm somewhere else in the house. This is compounded when I find a lighter in a pocket or a wad of unused Kleenex.

6. Showing up in a public place without a shirt or pants. There have been times that I've double checked. :) Usually I've just forgotten about a curler in my hair though. It gets so windy here that sometimes I seriously feel like something's missing.

7. Weird noises. Creepy, spooky, gross, you name it...I'm usually startled by it. I know a few people that like to startle me on purpose. It's usually a good time. For them. :) I'm just shy of clinically deaf, so anything loud enough to shock me, well there ya go.

8. Being walked in on in a public bathroom stall. THIS IS TERRIFYING. About a year ago, a drunk woman barged into a stall while I was using it. She made some stupid comments. Ever since, I not only bolt the door, but put anything else I can against it in hopes of thwarting anyone's attempt to get in. Talk about embarrassing and well, awkward!

9. Falling in the shower while home alone. 1) It's gonna hurt. 2) One of our cats may find me first and neither can communicate. 3) No clothes. No makeup. No nothing. Just me in a crumpled heap and my brand of shampoo exposed the world.

10. Any food past its expiration date. I'm sorry, but I won't even open the milk if it's past the due date. I don't know if I'm more afraid of stomach poisoning or the smell.

Happy Monday!

There are Two Types of Women...and Other Bull

There are two types of women who live in the Midwest: the ones who are mothers and the ones who aren't. Mind you, I'm making a sweeping generalization here, but hang on, I'm going somewhere with this.
(I realize that all individuals are unique - all women are unique unto themselves - etc.)

However, for the purpose of this blog, let's set it up in a Haves Vs. Have-Nots fashion. K?
K.

Think of the two types of women on a spectrum, the full-fledged, stay-at-home mommies at one end and the women who elect to not have children for various reasons (work, school, personal preference) at the other. I have to preface this spectrum with this: difference is a good thing. This is a spectrum, not a great than/less than equation. Trust me, I'm not that good with math.

Anyway, in between exists a diverse pool of young women who either do or don't have children, again for various reasons. Here lies the women who want children, but are physically incapable of doing so. In between are the women who had children and gave them up for adoption. In between are the women who are simply not ready yet or haven't made their decision whether or not to have children. In between are all the step-moms and pseudo-step-mom-girlfriends who have children, but not biological children. In between are the women who had abortions and the women who lost children in childbirth or in miscarriages. There's a lot of in between to consider.

My point? I find that all too often I land myself in conversations that seem to polarize women in the have/have not fashion. Mind you, it's not easy in the moment to consider all possible reasons for why a woman does or doesn't have children, but at the same time, it's all too easy to latch on to assumptions or conclusions drawn exclusively by the presence or non-presence of children.

We all have social and familial roles. Children or the lack thereof are only one facet of that existence, ladies. Remember that. I honor and respect mothers who throw themselves on the proverbial sword daily for the sake of their children. It's what they signed up to do. I respect women who conclusively know that they are bound for a childless life and have come to terms with that fact. Some may relish it. I respect that decision or situation. To both kinds of ladies, you're decided. Bravo.

What I don't and cannot respect is the crass, often unfounded judgment that women pass from one to another based solely on whether or not another woman has or doesn't have children. I lost count of the times mothers have used the following phrases with me: "You don't understand this because you're not a mom" or "Must be nice to have all that free time" or "You'd understand if you had a family..." *Shudder* I have to tell you, and here's my emotional side breaking through, I tear up a little every single time a mother tells me that.

They don't mean anything nasty by it. But it still stings. Every time.
I am acutely aware that I'm nearly 31 years-old and have never given birth. I've never been pregnant. I've never raised a child. I once had a woman I interviewed tell me over the phone "You have no clue what family-sized rooms are. You don't even have a family!" (Writers' note: That woman worked for DeKalb Memorial Hospital and she's a b*tch.)

On the other hand, I'm sure there are women who feel equally judged because they are mothers. Likely they loathe and resent the image of "soccer mom" or "housewife" and what that means. Though I will say, that "Housewives of..." franchise is really booming. It's pretty en vogue to be a mom these days. :)
(In the 80s, it was cool to be a business woman. Think Nine-to-Five style.)

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish more women would consider the spectrum rather than too easily round off comments that indicate that a woman without a child CHOSE that path or that a woman with a child CHOSE that path. I wish we could communicate with one another a bit more specifically and consider what else we CAN do in addition to being mothers. Moms and non-moms should be able to communicate about what they have in common, not sound off reasons why they are different all the time.

Think about this the next time you see a woman wearing a suit and heading for work. She could be a mom. She could be someone who hates children (NO!) or someone who has been trying for years to adopt and cannot. Next time you see a woman pushing an over-sized stroller in the mall, think about what else she may do. She may also have a career or a passion for the arts, science, etc. She may be a student. She may be someone's everything.

Think about the stereotypes and misconceptions about both kinds of women and all of those women in between before you open your big fat yapper. (I jest a little, but you get my point.) We all have goals and priorities and we all (I hope) have the potential to love and be loved. We all experience pain and anguish and we all have inherent motherhood/nurturing gene somewhere though it may not manifest in literal motherhood.

Think about this a little bit more please.
I suppose this could become a platform for being more compassionate in general, but in my experience, women hold each other to unfathomable standards and much of it is unnecessary and can be cruel.
Think a bit more each time you can't hang out with your friend because she's been busy with a sick child. Or think a bit more about a woman who can't meet up with you because her schedule jam packed with work commitments and school. It's not personal. It just is. We're all different and yet, we're the same.
We have more in common with one another than just our ovaries. (Crap, some of us lack ovaries, but you get it.)

And I realize how easy it is to summarize ourselves in terms of our children or our work. That's not something we should gloss over either, but remember, when you're quick to write a woman off because she didn't attend your baby shower or when you're quick to write off a woman who can't meet for drinks because her sitter fell through, take a moment and reflect on what you and that lady have in common. What brought you two into each others universe to begin with? You know and respect each other for something, right?
(If the answer is no, the relationship with that woman is officially a waste of time. Lack of respect for someone will destroy the possible camaraderie anyway.)

Me? I have friends who have children and friends who do not. I love and care about each of my friends for various reasons. I respect and admire the way my friends care for their children. (If they were a-hole parents, we wouldn't be friends.) And I respect my friends who don't have children. And frankly, each of those individuals do not have children for very specific reasons. Just like me.

You may be asking yourself if I want my own children? I get this question all the time. The truth is, I don't always know. Some days, I see how wonderful the relationships are between my mother-friends and their children and I envy that bond. Other days, I realize I am thankful that I didn't have a child too soon or because of a previous relationship. Some days, I don't think about it.

So is there any answer? Sure, it'd be great to be someone's mom. I'm just not sure what that means for me yet. I look elsewhere for answers in due time.

In the meantime, ladies, let's celebrate our differences rather than persecute each other for them. And let's envy each other a little less, okay?
The grass isn't always greener as they say.

That said, did I ever mention that I love to babysit?
Let's not forget those sporadic childcare providers!

Hee hee.

Ladies, I think you get it.
Let's put it in practice.

Post Script: A Little Proof of How Not Perfect I AM

For your enjoyment:

I pick at my fingernails despite paying handsomely to have them done every two weeks.

I own both an N'Sync and Backstreet Boys CD and I'm not ashamed of it.

I've been known to tailgate other drivers - every day.

I grind my teeth.

I get jealous sometimes, but always refuse to admit it.

Compliments literally throw me mentally off-guard.

I Can't. Do. Math.

I have a horrible movie-viewing history and you'd laugh at the classics I've missed.

I combat a fear of form-fitting clothes, daily, even though they look better than baggy ones.

I can't bring myself to leave the house with wet hair.

Did I mention I tailgate?

I've been known to rap - to bad, bad hip-hop songs.
(bad = uncool, literal description BAD)

My face sometimes gets me into trouble. ;)

I've been known to make up my own words and get angry when corrected.

I put Jiff peanut butter in the fridge.

I can't handle mess and disorder very well. Neat-freak is a good depiction.

I have an unhealthy relationship with The Office reruns.

I haven't owned a dress that wasn't black in years.

I refuse to eat cauliflower, cashews, cooked broccoli, sauerkraut, or caviar.

There are others, but this will get me started.
And frankly, these make me laugh a little. :)

I Am Not Perfect...Believe Me, I've Tried.

For nearly a year now, I've discussed what it means to be a 30 year-old woman living in in the Midwest. You know, just trying to "make it" or whatever that is supposed to mean for someone like me. That said, I'm fast approaching the beginning of my 31st year on earth and if life here has taught me anything, ANYTHING,...

It's that I am definitely, certifiably, obviously, card-carryingly NOT.PERFECT.
(See the photo at the top of this blog entry again if you need more proof.)

It's ironic though, because over the past 30 years I've been operating under the irrational and fantastic assumption that I could be, with just a little more elbow grease, perfect. Well, perfect to someone - family, friends, coworkers, students, acquaintances,...you get the point.
(Note - this is not a blog about how I've attempted to become Christ-like or God-like. I'm batsh*t crazy sometimes, but I'm not insane.) :)

And what I've learned, in trying in all ways to be somehow perfect (in work, in school, in relationships, in friendships, in duties, responsibilities...) is that I inevitably come up short. Trying to do the RIGHT thing all the time most definitely and at times, inexplicably, leads to the WRONG thing.
Ah Irony,...you remind me of Alanis Morrisette.

In trying to be perfect to everyone and in everything, you wind up being some shadow of your real self, leaving a lot of room for people to pour opinions in, but very little room for original, creative thought. It's true what they say - try to keep everyone happy, you end up miserable. Every time.
And it always, always fails.

What does a perfectionist fear the most? FAILURE.
(Not the band, the actual, literal act and experience of failure.)

I've been spending the last 30 years wondering how in the world I've come up short in various areas of my life. Sure, I have great relationships and wonderful opportunities, but at the same time, every time the bar is reached, I push it up just a little further out of reach. Yeah, the laundry DID get done before bedtime, but had I done it just a few hours earlier...I wouldn't have had to leave the clothes in the dryer over night - OUT! WRINKLES!

Or, "Thank you for saying I'm pretty, but I can't possibly pretty with this giant boil on my nose..." There it is, the good thing to which I would respond with "well, there could be this better thing..."

And frankly, it's stupid. This is a little confessional time for me, I suppose. And as I write this, I'm trying in vain to rectify my thought process too. Sometimes, it's okay to not like something. Sometimes, it's okay to get mad. Sometimes, it just might be acceptable to say NO.

You get the point yet?
If not, a word of caution - trying to obtain perfection (or rather perfection in keeping a peaceful existence) ironically leads to lying. Ever hear that one line about the woman in fat pants? You get it the picture.
You can't make everyone happy and be honest at the same time. It's damn near impossible. The world isn't perfect. The people in it aren't perfect. So where do I get off trying to obtain some semblance of harmony?
I'm an artist at heart dammit, I should find beauty in the ugly. Right?

I look ahead at another 30 years of life and I think to myself, is it really going to take this long to finally accept all the errors and faux pas and the time I walked into an office with my zipper down or the time I wrote that one email that made that one person mad or the time I flipped that other driver the bird...and on and on and on. I find that I dwell on every slip up, every mistake, until it eats me up. It drives me crazy and thus the spiral begins again.

Somehow, I need to learn that people will at times make me angry and there will be times when people simply do not like me despite my best efforts. There will be times when people make fun of me or tell me things I don't want to hear and I have to accept that they expect me to do the same. (Well maybe they do, I like to think it'd be reciprocal.)

I need to accept a little last-minute chaos into my life. What do all aspiring perfectionists want? CONTROL.
We're a little power-hungry. I'll admit it. (See, I'm growing up a little.)

Perfectionists not only strive to do everything right the first time (Ever see me try to drive a manual vehicle or watch me try to chip the ball onto the green?), but we also spend an awful lot of time agonizing over and attempting to right any wrongs we've committed.
Formula for failure 1: Doing the bad thing.
Formula for failure 2: Trying to correct bad thing with halfhearted pleas for forgiveness and/or excessive contact.
Formula for failure 3: Expecting a positive response
Formula for failure 4: Retaliating for lack of quick response with additional bad thing.

And so it goes.

In 30 years I've wasted a lot of time that I could have spent developing creative outlets and doing fun activities (THINK OF ALL THE ACTIVITIES!) by worrying and obsessing over what I haven't done right in the past. I've spent a lot of time holding on to wrongs I can't right and I've spent a lot of time inwardly holding other people to my own, irrational standards. (Note - bar is always, will always be...too HIGH).

And I'm not entirely certain, as I look ahead, how NOT to keep moving in this direction. What I do know is this: what I've done before, doesn't work. It doesn't equate to contentment or personal enrichment. It doesn't lead to confidence (though A's are always nice) and it doesn't lead to better, stronger relationships. It just leaves me wanting to move faster, higher, and better than before. And what good is that movement if you don't know where you're going?
And how the hell is it even important if you can't enjoy the journey?

But I'm going to try.
And the first step, at least in this moment, is to learn to LAUGH AT MYSELF.
Because dammit, I'm pretty freaking hilarious.
At least, today. :)

How Facebook Brings Out the Worst in People

I have to admit, I'm an avid Facebook user. I leave myself logged in nearly all day, every day, just in case I want to check it and not be bothered to log in again. I like being able to access my friends, family, and random people I met once in a random place should I feel moved to do so. I like using Facebook to find old high school and college friends - see how their lives have changed, how they've changed - and it prevents me from being obligated to go to the reunions. :) I love to look at photos I'd otherwise never see and see posts that sometimes make me think (political, religious, etc). I like to use the chat function and catch up with people I never see or at times wouldn't feel like I could just call out of the blue. Facebook, in a way, opens conversations up a bit further, linking people who may feel their relationships were somewhat lost due to distance, time, space, etc.

But Facebook also brings out what I perceive as the very worst in people. I've mentioned eDrama in previous blogs, but this isn't exactly what I'm referring to. I've highlighted what I feel are some of the worst Facebook offenses for your reading pleasure. Maybe you agree or disagree - but I'll tell you this, I'm reminded once and awhile of how easily Facebook use can wreak havoc on people and bring out the narcissist or asshole in people. And the worst are those who are oblivious to how their Facebooking makes them look. You can call me a hypocrite for this blog, but I admit my own Facebook foibles and understand that I'm not entirely exempt...

1. Look at me! Look at me!
Facebook is a vehicle for the oblivious narcissist. Photos are one of the ways in which people can show their "better selves." Avatars are typically ones that make the user looks his/her sexiest or most attractive. Never mind that the pic is five years old (or sometimes 20+) or taken at angle in which those extra forty face pounds don't show. I am guilty of this one. My avatar is three years old. I like it. It still looks like me, but probably pushes the line.

Avatars often feature the user with what he/she is most proud of - a significant other (if he/she isn't ugly); kids; musical instruments; cars; and the like. Rather than saying openly "LOOK WHAT I HAVE" you can just click on a few photos. Albums allow you to see the construction of his/her new home, classic car, etc. Accomplishments (from babies' first barf to graduation) are here too. Notice how it's rare to see an avatar featuring a new pimple or bad hair day.

2. Facebook determines social status.
I wish I had a dollar for every time Facebook statuses and/or de-friendings gave me anxiety or stress. Seriously! I hate to admit this, but now that Facebook exists, it's somewhat of a lunch room 'dis' if you aren't friended by those you are expected to be friends with. I've had my profile deleted from people's pages and thought "Shit, what did I ever do to them?" when in actuality, in REAL LIFE, it means NOTHING. Sure, it may reflect some ill will or festering anger, but in the two cases I checked out, it was neither. We had simply lost touch. (*see Pen Pals circa the age of pen/paper/letters/etc) We start to agonize about phantom offenses we may have committed and/or worry that we're the ones doing the offending simply because we don't want to have 5,678 friends that aren't really friends at all.

3. Friends = Fiction.
Dana has 539 Friends. YEAH, RIGHT.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I do have friends, but do I have 539 really good friends? No way. Not many people get that close to me as it is and I can count on one hand how many people I'd share my deepest thoughts with and three of those are my other personalities. ;) But Facebook has become this cyber popularity contest (see #2) and the more 'friends,' the more 'status.' Hmmmm. My profile should read: Dana has 539 people she can spy on if she so chooses. That'd be more accurate, I think.
:)
I think out of those 539, I realistically look at about 20 pages. I tend to look at profiles that somewhat 'say something' as opposed to "Junior took a big dump after lunch today. Guess I'm not feeding him peas for awhile." *Shudder.

4. Facebook makes people feel inadequate.
I'm throwing this in here. I can't figure out how to make shapes yet. I want very badly to add a heart in my posts, but I can't seem to figure it out. This is what I view as a hierarchy of power emerging, Facebook! Dammit!
:)
For the time being, I'm stuck with smilies.
My most recent accomplishment was finding the way to use Italics in chat messages. Big whoo.

5. Facebook makes you VULNERABLE. Okay, let's be clear. People are assholes. The world isn't always a nice place. Facebook allows more people to spy on you, check you out, learn your whereabouts, whether or not you hate your boss, or whether or not you do or don't like Justin Bieber and Twilight (PS: if you do like those two things - we may not be friends already). Yes, your boss may be able to view your profile. Your views and Info page leave you open for criticism of your world view, religious view, and personal ethics code. Your posts and links show people another piece of you that is open for judgment. The more condescending, selfish, or stupid your posts, the more vulnerable you become. Facebook, after all, is a reflection of you, the person, or at least, that's the design. I think a lot of people forget that part.
Do you really want everyone to know that when you took the "How do you Smell" quiz, that you're 95% Sulfer Fart and 5% Milk Fart? Come on!
STUPID.

6. Facebook gets in the way. Countless articles are emerging and talk show hosts are making a killing on couples and friendships whose lives have been destroyed by Facebook posts (Kevin is now SINGLE; Relationship Status: It's Complicated) and the fact that one's spouse can't put the damn laptop down long enough for five minutes of...well you get the point.

Farmville. Yoville. Mafia Wars.
This is a whole new level of nuts, if you ask me. Not only are we on the Interwebs, we're playing a virtual Monopoly that seems to never end. I will not join your mafia and do not want your drinks, ribbons, flare, coupons, or hearts. This is just one more way for me to step back from reality and be someone I'm not.
Besides, I don't want to build a barn or grown watermelons.

Facebook becomes a way to spy on your partner, to misinterpret things. Couples question friend requests and emails and chats. Photos pop up everywhere, people tagged before they know it (Josh has tagged a photo of you throwing up at the bar). Facebook relationships are scrutinized and anxiety builds in friendships, marriages, relationships. It's insane. There's some validity to it. If your partner has a laptop between his/her legs more than you are, well...I suppose that's a little extreme and crass, but you get the picture. Reality should trump Facebook every time. I think.

7. Facebook is a way for people to get their digs in.
Don't like satanists? Don't like abortion? Don't like gays? Don't like conservatives? Post your thoughts online for everyone to see! Be mean! Be without care! Speak your mind! It's FACEBOOK!

Yeah, it's FACEBOOK.
Feelings are feelings and maturity is still maturity.
Think before you post. It may save you some time/space/energy in the long run.

I'm not saying you have to be totally politically correct (haters gonna hate), but you may want to apply some discretion. You know, like before you write Joanna likes strippers and silly straws. *Post photo here* Betcha you're not gonna get a lot appropriate responses to this. I've made my own share of FB faux pas not realizing I had set myself up. The deliberate ones are worse. And really, how many times do we have to read sociopolitical garbage about Obama, Bush, mosques, the war, Christians, blah blah blah...SHUT UP. When did your OPINIONS become so damn important!? Have you written a book? Are you a scholar? Consider it...

8. Facebook is for the self-righteous. Number 7 is the beginning of a rant. Facebook has become a platform for prayer and holier-than-thou politicking that I just.can't.stand.

Pray for Bob's kidney stones. Rest in Peace Jonathan Brandis. Bible scripture. Green Peace scripture. BP oil spill items. Help the hungry. Support the war. Don't support the war. Some of these 'like' pages and posts are just a gun short of a threat. "Like God or face damnation." Yikes.
I wonder if God has a Facebook...click click click...


Wow. I can add God's page as an interest on my page. Whoa. Facebook is now spiritually problematic.

9. Facebook replaces genuine contact. Invitations, messages, chats,...none of this is taking place in person where we can read facial expressions and body language. Born of this are countless misunderstandings and confusions (What do you mean we broke up? & I didn't really mean to "EAT GRANDMA" when I wrote that...etc...)
In short, we've lost a lot of valuable social skills and the ones we have are quickly deteriorating because we've made it very easy to connect and disconnect without doing a whole hell of a lot work.

I do like Facebook, but I worry about my dependency on it and the dependency of others. It's become too personal and impersonal all at once. I find myself blessing and cursing knowing everything, all the time, as it happens.

Dear Facebook Team,

Facebook as a way of Life.
DISLIKE.

Love,
Dana

For old time's sake...The Swoop and Anti-Swoop Rules

This post is a little dated, but many of you will get a laugh out of it...

The Official Ladies Notebook – The Anti-Swoop Addendum

*Created, organized, and disseminated in response to Carson McClain’s/Sweetwater Man Club(s) The Official Rulebook (‘Swoop Rules’) 2007-8.

A note:

Ladies, unbeknownst to us, there exists a secret fraternity of men in the Fort Wayne area who have developed an ‘official’ rulebook pertaining specifically to the ‘sharing’ of ex-girlfriends and/or wives. Beware – as any man you encounter from here forward, may be familiar with, engaged in, or otherwise connected to Swoop Rules. That said, and please read attached ‘swoop dictates,’ this response is necessary as what this boys’ club does not realize currently is that they are practicing the age old activity known as “marking,” “tagging,” “enslaving,” and/or “possessing,” women as property.

True, these rules are developed in a quasi-state of friendly brotherhood with ‘honor’ and ‘code’ in mind; however, unfortunately for these boys, this law-making has also done the following:

1. Ensured they have ‘ruled themselves’ out of any relationship with the five single girls left in our city.

2. Engaged in the practice of passive-aggressive patriarchal dominance.

3. Enabled themselves to become what they chastise us most for, gossips.

The following are the official ‘Swoop Rules.’ The authors and those men currently adhering to its dictates shall remain nameless due merely to circumstance…

"The Official Rulebook: How to Acceptably Swoop on your Friend's Ex"

1. No dating Ex-Girlfriends for double the time of the previous relationship. There must be consent from previous boyfriend before swoop occurs. This is the 2:1 rule. Marriage and/or divorce annuls 2:1 rule so any swoop attempts on divorcee are unacceptable.

2. No premeditation on the relationship swoop is acceptable. After all you are supposed to be friends. Swooping with premeditation is backstabbing, hence you are an asshole.

3. In regards to the 2:1 rule, any attempt to swoop is as bad as the action failed or succeeded.

4. No fondling or touching current girlfriends, current love interests or any girlfriend within the 2:1 rule.

5. Sex. 2:1 rule applies unless the 2:1 rule has been annulled by a marriage or a divorce. Intimate relationships with the divorcee are completely unacceptable.

6. Being drunk is not an excuse for any attempt to swoop. Even if you are being swooped upon. If reverse swoop happens you must report to friend and 3rd party the next day.

7. Any "rule" must be cleared with friend and 3rd party

8. The library, coffeshop or lunch is a cover up for a date, hence it is a date. see 2:1 rule. Any date or any cover up for a date is an attempt to swoop.

9. Prior friendships are exempt from library/coffeshop rule but may not encroach on the 2:1 rule. No sex is acceptable. If the "previous friendship" is in question in relation to swooping, it must be discussed with a 3rd party.

10. It is forbidden to represent yourself as a superior alternative to your friend.

11. Friend Network (i.e. MySpace, Facebook, etc.) adding is unacceptable unless she adds you. And you must verify with friend that the add is acceptable. There will be no messaging in regards to relationships on friend networking sites for the extent of the 2:1 rule, If so you must verify with friend.

12. Don't be a scumbag. Be a man, be a friend and do what is right.

Indeed, these 12 regulations are meant in good faith and to sustain a fraternal order of friendship; however, an addendum must be set by Fort Wayne ladies in response and to ensure compassionate counters.

The Official Ladies’ Addendum

(Or) The ‘Anti-Swoop Rules’

1. Good men are difficult to find in Fort Wayne. The first lady to a decent guy – wins.
2. If you are currently engaging in bisexual or try-sexual behavior with your friends, the concept of swooping is off the table. All’s fair. Attempting to set boundaries on a man while making out or experimenting with women is a double standard. Your man gets to kiss a man.
3. The “it’s okay for me, but not for you” rule is an age-old double standard too. You may not flirt with other men and expect for your man not to engage as well. Discuss all boundaries and expectations prior to being seen in public together.
4. Your friends may befriend your man. This does not equate to cheating. Should you suspect your man of cheating, hold him accountable. Speaking up does not make you a bitch. Being accusatory without supporting evidence DOES.
5. Never swoop on another woman’s man. That said, another woman’s man equals a) her husband, b) her boyfriend. If you know your close friend has a serious crush on a man and he has expressed interest in you, converse with friend before acting on interest and consider the effects upon your friendship.
6. The failing relationship. If a man expresses interest in you and he has a wife/girlfriend, do you your research. Make all attempts to head off potential disasters. If you do so and attempts fail and you put friendship first, all’s fair in love and war. Ensure interest comes solely from the man and you are not a party to any flirtation that can be misinterpreted. Defend yourself as needed. Dignity first. Remember, that real love can’t be destroyed by rumors, bad information, and stupid gossipy people.
7. If you are cheating or have engaged in malicious behavior in your relationship, do not use this as the means for accusing your man or friends. Match.com and eHarmony.com searching and communicating while in a relationship equates to the same level of malicious intent.
8. Just because you can slap/punch/kick/bite/scratch your man does not make abuse okay. Kicking in the crotch is meant for defense only and is followed by 911. Practicing controlled violence as a couple is okay as long as both parties consent and bruise placement is tactful.
9. Hating your man’s ex because she’s pretty, thin, successful, or intelligent is off limits. It makes you look stupid and insecure. She probably has back-acne or body odor. Remember, they broke up for a reason. Hating on her just because she is an ex is ridiculous and makes her the winner, not you.
10. Girl world and girl drama is appreciated by NO ONE. This is the lunch table/cheerleader concept. Grow the F up.
11. Dating a friend’s ex is okay so long as a) the relationship terminated legally, b) the ex lives in another state, or c) she’s going to murder you anyway. Life is short.
12. Your man is going to a strip club for a reason. It’s not only a buddies’ thing. Seriously. Wise up. Buy a pole – with his money.
13. If your friends are sketchy about your man choice, investigate. They are telling you these things despite their impulse to not hurt your feelings. They care. Remember consult your friends on this. No one else, unless it’s family.
14. If your family hates your spouse/boyfriend/interest…there’s a reason for it. Do your research. Make a smart choice. If your family is clinical, take this into consideration during evaluation.
15. Dating with intent is a bad idea. This will not make you a baby or get you down the aisle any quicker or with better results.
16. Sex with your partner is a good thing. Sex with everyone else’s partner is a bad thing.
17. The “I was neglected” defense is not acceptable.
18. When breaking up, be honest. Never use “It’s me, not you,” or “You’re too good for me,” unless of course, it really is true.
19. Beware high school, Facebook, and Myspace politicking while dating a man.
20. Make wise decisions. Consider all options and put your happiness first. The rest will fall into place and others will eventually respect you for being smart and considerate. Play nice. Be a woman. Be a friend.