For nearly a year now, I've discussed what it means to be a 30 year-old woman living in in the Midwest. You know, just trying to "make it" or whatever that is supposed to mean for someone like me. That said, I'm fast approaching the beginning of my 31st year on earth and if life here has taught me anything, ANYTHING,...
It's that I am definitely, certifiably, obviously, card-carryingly NOT.PERFECT.
(See the photo at the top of this blog entry again if you need more proof.)
It's ironic though, because over the past 30 years I've been operating under the irrational and fantastic assumption that I could be, with just a little more elbow grease, perfect. Well, perfect to someone - family, friends, coworkers, students, acquaintances,...you get the point.
(Note - this is not a blog about how I've attempted to become Christ-like or God-like. I'm batsh*t crazy sometimes, but I'm not insane.) :)
And what I've learned, in trying in all ways to be somehow perfect (in work, in school, in relationships, in friendships, in duties, responsibilities...) is that I inevitably come up short. Trying to do the RIGHT thing all the time most definitely and at times, inexplicably, leads to the WRONG thing.
Ah Irony,...you remind me of Alanis Morrisette.
In trying to be perfect to everyone and in everything, you wind up being some shadow of your real self, leaving a lot of room for people to pour opinions in, but very little room for original, creative thought. It's true what they say - try to keep everyone happy, you end up miserable. Every time.
And it always, always fails.
What does a perfectionist fear the most? FAILURE.
(Not the band, the actual, literal act and experience of failure.)
I've been spending the last 30 years wondering how in the world I've come up short in various areas of my life. Sure, I have great relationships and wonderful opportunities, but at the same time, every time the bar is reached, I push it up just a little further out of reach. Yeah, the laundry DID get done before bedtime, but had I done it just a few hours earlier...I wouldn't have had to leave the clothes in the dryer over night - OUT! WRINKLES!
Or, "Thank you for saying I'm pretty, but I can't possibly pretty with this giant boil on my nose..." There it is, the good thing to which I would respond with "well, there could be this better thing..."
And frankly, it's stupid. This is a little confessional time for me, I suppose. And as I write this, I'm trying in vain to rectify my thought process too. Sometimes, it's okay to not like something. Sometimes, it's okay to get mad. Sometimes, it just might be acceptable to say NO.
You get the point yet?
If not, a word of caution - trying to obtain perfection (or rather perfection in keeping a peaceful existence) ironically leads to lying. Ever hear that one line about the woman in fat pants? You get it the picture.
You can't make everyone happy and be honest at the same time. It's damn near impossible. The world isn't perfect. The people in it aren't perfect. So where do I get off trying to obtain some semblance of harmony?
I'm an artist at heart dammit, I should find beauty in the ugly. Right?
I look ahead at another 30 years of life and I think to myself, is it really going to take this long to finally accept all the errors and faux pas and the time I walked into an office with my zipper down or the time I wrote that one email that made that one person mad or the time I flipped that other driver the bird...and on and on and on. I find that I dwell on every slip up, every mistake, until it eats me up. It drives me crazy and thus the spiral begins again.
Somehow, I need to learn that people will at times make me angry and there will be times when people simply do not like me despite my best efforts. There will be times when people make fun of me or tell me things I don't want to hear and I have to accept that they expect me to do the same. (Well maybe they do, I like to think it'd be reciprocal.)
I need to accept a little last-minute chaos into my life. What do all aspiring perfectionists want? CONTROL.
We're a little power-hungry. I'll admit it. (See, I'm growing up a little.)
Perfectionists not only strive to do everything right the first time (Ever see me try to drive a manual vehicle or watch me try to chip the ball onto the green?), but we also spend an awful lot of time agonizing over and attempting to right any wrongs we've committed.
Formula for failure 1: Doing the bad thing.
Formula for failure 2: Trying to correct bad thing with halfhearted pleas for forgiveness and/or excessive contact.
Formula for failure 3: Expecting a positive response
Formula for failure 4: Retaliating for lack of quick response with additional bad thing.
And so it goes.
In 30 years I've wasted a lot of time that I could have spent developing creative outlets and doing fun activities (THINK OF ALL THE ACTIVITIES!) by worrying and obsessing over what I haven't done right in the past. I've spent a lot of time holding on to wrongs I can't right and I've spent a lot of time inwardly holding other people to my own, irrational standards. (Note - bar is always, will always be...too HIGH).
And I'm not entirely certain, as I look ahead, how NOT to keep moving in this direction. What I do know is this: what I've done before, doesn't work. It doesn't equate to contentment or personal enrichment. It doesn't lead to confidence (though A's are always nice) and it doesn't lead to better, stronger relationships. It just leaves me wanting to move faster, higher, and better than before. And what good is that movement if you don't know where you're going?
And how the hell is it even important if you can't enjoy the journey?
But I'm going to try.
And the first step, at least in this moment, is to learn to LAUGH AT MYSELF.
Because dammit, I'm pretty freaking hilarious.
At least, today. :)
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