Wake up call: It's okay to love somebody.

The MM blog is often an outlet for venting and observations of what is flawed in life. I'm switching gears today to bring you what I consider a positive message.

I've been thinking a lot about "love" lately and what that genuinely means. Sure, we use the term every day sometimes when we refer to places, foods, things...but how often do we really, really mean it? Love's kind of a big deal, a real term that carries some 'ooomph' in it and lately, I've observed many people throw it around like it's the equivalent to "like."
It's not.

When I was really young, think pre-teens, my father always scolded me for using the word "hate." In response to a fight with my best friend, I'd shout "I HATE her!" Upon hearing this, my dad would jump on me saying sternly "You don't hate anyone." I used to resent that comment. My knee-jerk response was to say "Oh yes, yes I do HATE her," but upon thinking a moment, did I really? Hate? I equated the term "hate" after some thought, with torture and unspoken nastiness and in real life, did I really wish those things on my friend? Well, no. The truth was, I didn't mean it. Years later, I still rarely use the word hate, especially when referring to people. The truth is, I don't hate anyone. Still. Now, ask me about cauliflower, I may respond differently. (Yuk! I don't mind living in a universe without cauliflower.)


It's the same thing with Love. There are varying degrees of love, true, but this word, like hate, packs a punch. It is designed to be used for those people and things that you genuinely, truly care deeply about, be it family, a lover, a friend, a pet,...you name it.

I know some people who use the word "love" like they do Kleenex. "Ooooh, I looooovveeeee you!" can often be heard in a crowded bar, women throwing this phrase on their girlfriends and acquaintances in a scenario where even the non-drunks are supposed to reply with an "I loooooovveeeee you too!" (insert booty shaking, arm flailing, and hugging) Others spout "I love you" as a closer to conversations with their family or significant other in the same tone as they said "Hello." I've heard people swoon with "love" over Coach bags, a meal, presents, etc. Hmmm...

For me, Love's kind of a big deal. I confess, there were years when I took the word for granted; however, I've seen the phrase "I love xxxxx" taken for granted so many times, it suddenly seems to deserve a place of respect in my own life. I've had this conversation several times with my boyfriend. We tend to agree on the use of the word, Love. (This is incredibly helpful, I might add.) Neither of us ever want to casually use that three-word phrase. I never want to say it and not mean it. I have to say, I love that man. In a society where it's en vogue to hide feelings and put up a wall against all things intimate, I confess I'm head-over-heels, in love with my boyfriend. He's a wonderful guy and to me, is worthy of the specifically-used phrase.

What does that mean? It means it's okay to love somebody - to love them in a run-out-in-front-of-a-bus-for-them kind of way. It means wanting that person to be a better person, even if it's not always going to put you first too. It means wanting that person's contentment and success, individually as well as within the confines of your relationship. This applies to friends and family too. It's okay to genuinely, openly, charismatically love someone. Loving someone means putting down a guard and letting yourself be the real you. Loving someone means making yourself vulnerable, making a conscious effort every day to love and be the real 'you' every day so you can love the real them. It's not easy.

But to me, that's what love is. Loving someone is being open about that in front of others, saying it, but more importantly, doing it. Showing it. Even when you're at your ugliest and most insensitive, it means leaving zero doubt that you care for those people who genuinely have a spot in your heart. Loving someone means having the balls to tell them off if you have to, if it's what's needed to move forward. It means showing yourself, in all its phases, to those you truly care about.

It is not the same as loving a meal. It's not the same as loving your new nail polish. It's not even the same when you say it to people just to be friendly. Love means being real.
It means showing up, showing it, and digging in for the betterment of that relationship.

I have to admit, I have a real problem with loving. After years of failed friendships, failed relationships, and at times, serious betrayal, there's a part of me that still needs to work on trust, to work on being open about how I feel about people. It's sometimes difficult to know if I love someone. But I do. I can count on ten fingers the people I genuinely love and I'm pretty sure they all know who they are. I wake up every day thinking about them and how I can show them how important they are to me. (Cheesy, maybe, but true, yes.) I spend at least one moment (often more) thinking about these people and who they are becoming, where they're going, and how I can be a part of that journey and contribute. Some of these people are children, others are adults. I'd take a punch or jab for them any day.

Everyone else? I like them. I have to accept that there's only so much room for me to love, but that doesn't mean I don't care about or like everyone else. I do. Very much. But I'd be a jerk for saying "I love you." It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me. I will tell you though, I care about more people than you can imagine. Love, well, it's just different for me.

Love doesn't equate to my obsession with peanut M&Ms and favorite boots. Love isn't the same as really enjoying someone's company or experiencing a good grade. Love, it's a helluva lot deeper, more intimate, more entangled, and frankly, requires more responsibility than that.



Think about it the next time you quickly respond with "I love xxxxx" or "I lurrrrvee you" in a bar. Do you MEAN it?! Do you love that person enough to sacrifice, compromise, be real with,...enough to be openly, entirely you with for the sake of burring deeper in a relationship of friendship, romance, family? If not, shut up. You don't love them. You like them. You care about them. You wanna be friends with them. You respect them. You admire them. You kinda sorta woulda coulda wanna have a coffee with them sometime, maybe sorta. But you don't LOVE them.

Stop using it. It's liberating. Save the word for those you don't want to be without. And back that up with being a better person for those you love. The saying goes that you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. There's a lot of truth here.

Confession: I have hard time loving myself. (Ouch, that hurts.) It's taken me years to get to place where I like myself enough, and finally love myself enough to really, truly put myself out there. And you know what? My relationships are stronger for it. I'm not perfect (see previous blog), but I'm thousands, millions, of miles away from the me I was. I think a lot of women especially have a hard time loving themselves first. Take a time out and think about why you should and can love yourself.
(I know, this is verging on smarmy, but you get my point.)

Until you can respect and love yourself, with all your baggage, all your worries, all your idiosyncrasies, you're never going to mean "I love you" the way you should. And that means actively putting yourself in front of the mirror and accepting that you look like you. That means not beating yourself up for saying something weird or falling down in some literal or metaphorical way. It means acceptance and making room to let others in.

And it's really really really tough. But it's worth it. I don't have even half the answers when it comes to relationships, but after years of heartache, I know the above is true. It's the only thing that can work. It means putting yourself, your own love, first, so you can be a better partner, friend, family member, parents, etc to others.


It's only then you can truly feel what you're saying.
And that's a beautiful thing.

Trust me.