On Turning 30: A Day in the Mind...

I received an email forward once from my sister titled "Random Thoughts." Typically forwards annoy me, but today it was a rather witty, dry list someone created of his stream of consciousness on one given day.

For instance, the writer's son asked "What happens if you run over a ninja?" And, random topics like Facebook stalking, swine flu, and the 'fact' that pants never need washing.

Inspired, I've created my list for the day...


* I like wine. I like grape juice. I like grapes, even raisins. Prunes are okay, if necessary. I like grape-flavored Popsicles and Big League Chew. So why is it that I can't stand prune juice or the sweet, grape-flavored wine?

* If a wood chuck can chuck wood, in other words, he/she is a "WOOD CHUCK," then why do we always ask "how much wood can a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" I mean, the animal ALREADY CAN! Right?

* What is wrong with Facebook or my computer today? Am I less of a person if I miss that thing when denied it?

* Every time someone mentions the Interweb lingo "face palm," all I can think about are faces and napalm. Is that bad?
Probably. Why can't I think of palm tree or pommes de terre?

* I am beginning to think I can't eat anything without it resting on my shirt hours after the fact. Is this old age or declining dining habits?

* I can't think about jello molds without thinking of the rotting carpet in my office or the black gelatinous ooze my boyfriend found in a jar of pasta sauce. Why do we make Jello molds anyway?

* I try to answer my office phone differently every time, even when I'm trying to answer the same way each time. Something in my sub-conscience won't allow me to say things twice into the phone though I ask people to repeat themselves all the time.

* People who walk too slowly in Meijer make me feel justified in hitting them with my own cart. They often are obstructing the aisle. I never have hit someone with my cart...but I think about it all the time.

* I want a degree in anger management. I can't find a school for that.

* I am terrified that the act of reading will disappear in America entirely. Reading spares others from asinine questions.

* I am losing patience with food.

* I miss Super Mario Brothers 3.
And Game Boy.

* I wonder what I will look like with white hair? I think I'm going to make a funny-looking old person, but I'm looking forward to speaking my mind on everything.

* Traveling has become a savings-tanker. Taxes, surcharges, fees, luxury fees, service fees....many didn't exist before. I remember when it didn't cost $80.00 to check 2 bags, one time en route to location and one time en route home.
Thanks a lot, Expedia. Next time, I'm going with that gnome. I like gnomes.

* Semi tractor-trailers scare me to death and piss me off. I see it as a daily David Vs. Goliath challenge. We invented jet packs and eco-friendly cars, but we haul everything with these 18-wheel monstrosities? Come on.

* I am at battle with carbohydrates. They hate my face.

* "I am the Walrus." The Beatles are fun, but have you ever seen a freaking walrus? They're badass. They have fighting tusks. Sometimes, I wish I had giant teeth to spear people with.

* Falling in love is very comparable to falling flat on your face in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I've done both. Both leave one hell of a welt.

* I remember when smoking cigarettes was considered classy and cool. Now, if you smoke, you rank right up there with toxic waste. Wait a minute, it's not that cool. Toxic waste can be recycled into newer, cooler things,...than you.

* The Disney and Nickelodeon channels hate parents. Why then do parents let kids watch their shows? Every parent character on these stations is portrayed as a buffoon. Spongebob can stay.

* Speaking of strollers, why are they so BIG now?! I think I saw one in the parking lot at O'Daniel the other day: mama special $19,500 for a used, Jeep baby stroller, big wheels and all-terrain ready. Seating for four plus luggage compartment.
Damn. When I was a baby, I had a mobile seat, with four little plastic wheels, a strap of fabric to sit on and a velcro safety belt. I was rockin' if we put the umbrella up. Nowadays, babies have cruise control, heated seats, anti-lock breaks, and airbags. :)

* My dentist told me my teeth with always look a bit yellow because "you're so fair, so pasty." Isn't the paste supposed to make my teeth white?! Why did I spend so many years brushing and flossing then, just so I can have taupe teeth?!

* Capris pants make me look like Tweedle Dee. Or an ice cream cone. Yes, I'm serious. Quit asking me if I want to buy those damn things!

* I think requiring women to have pap smears just to obtain birth control pills is a poor idea. It inspires the practice of unsafe sex. No one should have to have Pap smear for responsible sexual activity. The irresponsible ones should have to have the smears to get OFF birth control.

* Commercials are now louder than TV programs. I don't know about you, but I hate being startled and kicking my bowl of popcorn all over the room every time a Cialis or Kotex commercial comes on. As if those ads aren't creepy enough, let's blast the terms "ED" and "Flow" at master volume so everyone can reflect on the issues during a brief break in programming. No thanks.

* Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and any of their illegitimate sons and daughters are havens for selfishness and narcissism. You might as well jump up and down in front of your parents and scream "Look at me! Look at me!" If your parents are on Facebook or Myspace or Twitter, I encourage you to de-friend them, now. Parents + Facebook = social networking nightmare.

* It is not cool to break up with someone via text, social site, or voice mail. However, recent studies show this is far more common today. I picture a pool of sharks swimming around man's Facebook status waiting for the words "It's complicated" to become "Single."

* When I grow up, I want to be a cougar, but just for a minute so I have an excuse to wear a leopard print Snuggie.

* Kia is the new Dollar General of the automotive industry and I don't know why.

* Every time I get a spam mail or post, I think of some jackass hurling a real can of fake meat product at me. That's not right. I wonder if spammers get up each day, have breakfast, get dressed, and then sit at the computer with their coffee starting the day's spam threads. Hmmm...maybe it's a real job?

* Every one of us is dying, but fewer of us are doing it with class.

On Turning 30 Part IV: I See Rude People

For Christmas, my mother gave me a copy of Amy Alkon's book, I See Rude People. When I opened my stocking this year, I was taken aback at first thinking this is one of THOSE gifts, you know the kind, to teach you a passive-aggressive lesson about personal attitude. However, after considering that for a few days, I decided to read it.

Amy Alkon, I totally get you.

Ms. Alkon is a writer who chose to take on our country's declining customer service criteria and social situation codes in what I can only call a vigilante approach to sending rude people a message. (See tailgaters, loud cell phone calls in public, poorly mannered children and parents, etc.) Her story about tracking down the thief who stole her bubble gum pink Rambler is worth it alone. I read the book front to back within a few weeks and I have to say, I felt a bit vindicated in my desire for our society to execute better manners, better customer service, and better...well, everything!

For instance, I was talking with a friend the other day about the checkout lines in grocery stores here in Indiana. When I worked for a grocery store at age 16 (my first job you see), it was required by our managers to "be friendly" and "greet the customers." Now, if I go into Target or Meijer, I'm lucky if the cashier acknowledges my presence. Pay no mind that I'm buying a metric F-ton of groceries and could very well be the Unibomber in my hoodie and sunglasses, but the cashier isn't alarmed. I suppose the real 'flight risks' are using the SELF-CHECKOUT. Meanwhile, Cashier Kid is ringing up groceries in way that can only be described as EMO...slow, one-by-one, without looking up and without talking, as if I have all damn day to watch him mumble the lyrics to a Dashboard Confessionals tune. Did I mention he takes a cell phone call mid-check out and then ultimately becomes perplexed at the sight of my produce selection.

"What kind of apples are these?"
I can't resist. "Free ones."
"Oh."

Seriously!?
I know there's a reason they have those insane little stickers on the fruit and these read "Honeycrisp."

I feel badly. "They're Honeycrisp apples. I was just kidding."

Cashier Kid doesn't smile and keeps checking. We pause over bananas, a cucumber, and a container of blueberries.
I know technology has changed over the years, but I recall VISUAL aids in my cashier computer in the 90s...not just PLUs...showing the fruit.

"That'll be $112.95."
"Okay. I have a coupon for those NutriGrain bars."
Cashier Boy sighs. I am really putting him out. I'd like to add that I'm put out as well, having had to bag my own groceries and explain the products to the cashier.
What the, is that a Twilight button on his apron!?

This is what I'm talking about. The sighing, the lack of enthusiasm, the visible disgust at the mention of COUPON. No "Hello." No "Have a good day." No witty banter even when applied with modern sarcasm - apparently the kids don't dig it.
I worked harder for my purchases than the boy did and he gets $8.50/hour for it. I paid in. WTF?!

Now I realize that I'm coming off a bit nasty here, but do know that I understand that everyone has a bad day. I have them too - more often than I care to admit to anyone. However, this is a trend in retail. At Anne Taylor, our local OUTLET, salespeople won't condescend to wait on me or my friends. We're not all that trendy especially because we're paying in cash. Upon entering the store, I got a head nod, but the helpers scattered when we went looking for dressing room assistance. Victoria Secret was the same.

After shopping for under-nothings, my gal pal and I approached the check-out counter to pay for our items. We were the only customers in the store save two teenagers gabbing over a display of perfume. While my friend and I stood there, waiting to check out, the FOUR VS clerks surrounded the teenagers, assisting them.
Now I ask, if you have the opportunity to make a sale at the counter, do you throw your entire workforce at the 75% off counter and two girls under age 16?! Ack!
Forget that I've got about $200 worth of 'gear' under my arm, let's nab that 20% discount on 50% body spray.

Amy Alkon would have commented loudly or dropped the purchases on the floor and walked out. We didn't do that. We should have.
Instead, we waited like cattle to be served, not interrupting the saleswomen in their pursuit of the rated PG-13 sale.

This is the most infuriating part. In cases like these, at my age and with the kind of time I have (and my peers have), we should feel correct in asking for assistance or saying "Excuse me, but we'd like some help," but unfortunately, we try to be the nice ones, the polite ones, leading by "example" when in fact, that amounts to a hill a'beans.

Nice gals finish last they say.
Nice gals wait forty minutes to buy a bra.
*Sigh.

It makes me wonder where all the nice salespeople have gone? Where has customer service gone? When I was first entering the work force (insert grandma-ish tone and finger waggle), it was EXPECTED of me to be nice to everyone coming in. I had to serve thousands of breadsticks to greedy lakers knowing full well they wouldn't tip me as I waitressed to make college tuition in the summer. I HAD to ASK the customer for coupons when I worked at the grocery store and offer them the option of paper or plastic.

Not so anymore, if I want excellent service, I have to self-check out or buy online. Then I get the service I require and the liability of error placed firmly on...ME.

Nice. Real nice.

I know I sound like a curmudgeon, the type who hands out toothbrushes at Halloween and bookmarks at Easter, but I'm really not. I just want more people in this country to be polite.
BE NICE!

Office situations and social situations are the same too. Driving is the epitome of rudeness. The road is the only place where I've witnessed people TRYING to get into an accident.

Last night, a telemarketer called my cell phone to ask me to make a tax appointment. "Mrs Barnett?" My reply was, "I'm sorry, this isn't Mrs. Barnett, you must have the wrong number." To which the caller replied, "I mean, BARRETT. Barrett! I'm sorry, I mean Mrs. Barrett."
To this I could have replied, "There's no Mrs. Barrett," but that would have been a lie, in case she had called for my stepmom.
She hadn't.

Fact was, she didn't bother to even pronounce my name internally before blathering it into the phone, a call of course, I'm charged for.
How would you like it if I called you after 6 pm about your taxes and called you by another person's name?!

Ya wouldn't.

And people wonder why I 'screen' my calls. In fact, I don't even like the phone anymore. Though I think texting and emailing aren't great communication tools, I prefer it to having to stumble through awkward telemarketing calls, especially those nasty buggers who bring their numbers through as "Unknown Caller."
You never know when those calls are emergencies!
Grrrrr.

I think about people who work in customer service areas and I do have to sympathize a bit. Customers can be real a-holes too! There are a few of us out there who ruin it for everyone! For instance, the customer who comes in and doesn't bother to ask your name or say Hello. I've been called "Hey you!" "'Sup!" and "Come here before you get away!" all in a work day. I've given up on people when it comes to please and thank-you.
And the Divine help you if you have to tell a customer "NO." This can incur the wrath of the ages, all rage acquired by that customer between last night's pot roast and this morning's coffee.
My favorite insult to date is "You IGNANT STUPID B*TCH."
(Yes, I wrote 'ignant.' I don't know what it means.)

I get it, it's also tough making the 'cold call' and having to serve others, but remember you are making money! You have a job!
And both are good.
Really good.

Social situations are similar too. I know I'd be frustrated by a customer talking on his/her cell phone mid-transaction. To me, that just isn't fair. At least acknowledge Cashier Boy when you check out. Had I had my Blackberry to my face when he rang up my groceries, I would have earned that Emo, "I don't give a flick about you" sale.

Like Amy Alkon, people don't realize just how much of themselves they give away by carrying on full blown conversations in the grocery store, in the drive-thru, in Starbucks, etc. You have no idea who's listening and let's be honest, WE ALL CAN HEAR YOU and your cyber-lover on the phone! You're meeting at which truck stop again?

*Shudder.

And rudeness to others just starts here: The holier-than-thous who park their SUVs and trucks in TWO parking spots instead of one; The "Can I gets" instead of "May I haves;" The cut-in-line types who need to grab 'one more thing' before they can complete a sale; The obnoxious Starbucks customer who forgets he's just in STARBUCKs with the "Venti Mocha Frappe, no whip, half-skim, half-espresso, green tea shot with Vitamin B-12;" The sue-happy people who spill coffee in the drive-thrus; The people who destroy public bathrooms...I could go on all day.

I guess as I run into a spiral of a rant, I should find a point. My point is this: why can't we be nice to each other? Why can't we think of the other person's feelings and situations before we whiz all over the seat in the Bed, Bath, and Beyond bathroom? Why can't we think of the other people who can be helped by being nice to Emo Cashier Kid? Why can't we just turn off our cell phones when paying for the burger? Why can't we help more people in line with a smile?

The winter is gloomy and we're all short on Vitamin D and sunlight. I get it.
But remember, smiling and being kind to others may catch on a little and improve the state of customer service and manners in this area.
If not, I'm calling Amy Alkon.