I received an email forward once from my sister titled "Random Thoughts." Typically forwards annoy me, but today it was a rather witty, dry list someone created of his stream of consciousness on one given day.
For instance, the writer's son asked "What happens if you run over a ninja?" And, random topics like Facebook stalking, swine flu, and the 'fact' that pants never need washing.
Inspired, I've created my list for the day...
* I like wine. I like grape juice. I like grapes, even raisins. Prunes are okay, if necessary. I like grape-flavored Popsicles and Big League Chew. So why is it that I can't stand prune juice or the sweet, grape-flavored wine?
* If a wood chuck can chuck wood, in other words, he/she is a "WOOD CHUCK," then why do we always ask "how much wood can a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" I mean, the animal ALREADY CAN! Right?
* What is wrong with Facebook or my computer today? Am I less of a person if I miss that thing when denied it?
* Every time someone mentions the Interweb lingo "face palm," all I can think about are faces and napalm. Is that bad?
Probably. Why can't I think of palm tree or pommes de terre?
* I am beginning to think I can't eat anything without it resting on my shirt hours after the fact. Is this old age or declining dining habits?
* I can't think about jello molds without thinking of the rotting carpet in my office or the black gelatinous ooze my boyfriend found in a jar of pasta sauce. Why do we make Jello molds anyway?
* I try to answer my office phone differently every time, even when I'm trying to answer the same way each time. Something in my sub-conscience won't allow me to say things twice into the phone though I ask people to repeat themselves all the time.
* People who walk too slowly in Meijer make me feel justified in hitting them with my own cart. They often are obstructing the aisle. I never have hit someone with my cart...but I think about it all the time.
* I want a degree in anger management. I can't find a school for that.
* I am terrified that the act of reading will disappear in America entirely. Reading spares others from asinine questions.
* I am losing patience with food.
* I miss Super Mario Brothers 3.
And Game Boy.
* I wonder what I will look like with white hair? I think I'm going to make a funny-looking old person, but I'm looking forward to speaking my mind on everything.
* Traveling has become a savings-tanker. Taxes, surcharges, fees, luxury fees, service fees....many didn't exist before. I remember when it didn't cost $80.00 to check 2 bags, one time en route to location and one time en route home.
Thanks a lot, Expedia. Next time, I'm going with that gnome. I like gnomes.
* Semi tractor-trailers scare me to death and piss me off. I see it as a daily David Vs. Goliath challenge. We invented jet packs and eco-friendly cars, but we haul everything with these 18-wheel monstrosities? Come on.
* I am at battle with carbohydrates. They hate my face.
* "I am the Walrus." The Beatles are fun, but have you ever seen a freaking walrus? They're badass. They have fighting tusks. Sometimes, I wish I had giant teeth to spear people with.
* Falling in love is very comparable to falling flat on your face in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I've done both. Both leave one hell of a welt.
* I remember when smoking cigarettes was considered classy and cool. Now, if you smoke, you rank right up there with toxic waste. Wait a minute, it's not that cool. Toxic waste can be recycled into newer, cooler things,...than you.
* The Disney and Nickelodeon channels hate parents. Why then do parents let kids watch their shows? Every parent character on these stations is portrayed as a buffoon. Spongebob can stay.
* Speaking of strollers, why are they so BIG now?! I think I saw one in the parking lot at O'Daniel the other day: mama special $19,500 for a used, Jeep baby stroller, big wheels and all-terrain ready. Seating for four plus luggage compartment.
Damn. When I was a baby, I had a mobile seat, with four little plastic wheels, a strap of fabric to sit on and a velcro safety belt. I was rockin' if we put the umbrella up. Nowadays, babies have cruise control, heated seats, anti-lock breaks, and airbags. :)
* My dentist told me my teeth with always look a bit yellow because "you're so fair, so pasty." Isn't the paste supposed to make my teeth white?! Why did I spend so many years brushing and flossing then, just so I can have taupe teeth?!
* Capris pants make me look like Tweedle Dee. Or an ice cream cone. Yes, I'm serious. Quit asking me if I want to buy those damn things!
* I think requiring women to have pap smears just to obtain birth control pills is a poor idea. It inspires the practice of unsafe sex. No one should have to have Pap smear for responsible sexual activity. The irresponsible ones should have to have the smears to get OFF birth control.
* Commercials are now louder than TV programs. I don't know about you, but I hate being startled and kicking my bowl of popcorn all over the room every time a Cialis or Kotex commercial comes on. As if those ads aren't creepy enough, let's blast the terms "ED" and "Flow" at master volume so everyone can reflect on the issues during a brief break in programming. No thanks.
* Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and any of their illegitimate sons and daughters are havens for selfishness and narcissism. You might as well jump up and down in front of your parents and scream "Look at me! Look at me!" If your parents are on Facebook or Myspace or Twitter, I encourage you to de-friend them, now. Parents + Facebook = social networking nightmare.
* It is not cool to break up with someone via text, social site, or voice mail. However, recent studies show this is far more common today. I picture a pool of sharks swimming around man's Facebook status waiting for the words "It's complicated" to become "Single."
* When I grow up, I want to be a cougar, but just for a minute so I have an excuse to wear a leopard print Snuggie.
* Kia is the new Dollar General of the automotive industry and I don't know why.
* Every time I get a spam mail or post, I think of some jackass hurling a real can of fake meat product at me. That's not right. I wonder if spammers get up each day, have breakfast, get dressed, and then sit at the computer with their coffee starting the day's spam threads. Hmmm...maybe it's a real job?
* Every one of us is dying, but fewer of us are doing it with class.
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