On Modern Domesticity...Part 1

With Love to ACR.

One of the most intriguing and challenging, not to mention beautiful social phenomenons is the union of two individuals (or more) under the same roof - to be specific, the relationship between a couple who has just decided to move in together, be it for advancing the relationship or marriage or any other relatively interesting purpose.

What makes me laugh and sometimes makes me want to tear my hair are the little, unsuspecting 'housekeeping items' that suddenly leap from the mundane to the near-catastrophic. So to be fair, I'd say my interest here is the merging of two routines.

Love conquers all, they say.

But can Love decide if the glassware goes rim-side up or rim-side down in the cabinet? Love didn't send me the memo on peanut butter, that's for sure. I've been refrigerating mine blissfully for over ten years and didn't know that that act was 'weird.' (I have since learned only two people in the entire universe refrigerate peanut butter,...me and my mom. Go figure.) And let's be clear, Jiff is peanut butter. Skippy can take a hike. And is it creamy or chunky? What kinds of jam go with it? Seriously...you can write the blog on peanut butter alone! But I digress...

I would also like to know if Love put the word out that toilet paper goes under and not over. The jury's out on that one, I think.

Where do pans go? In the drawer beneath the oven? In the oven? In the cabinet next to or near the oven? In the pantry?

Seriously! The things you don't think about until you're...well standing in the kitchen with the Jiff or the pan in hand going "What the...?"

(*laughs)

Ah, the beauty of it. When couples decide to move in together, sure, they think about change. Change is inevitable. Thoughts shift between "I love this person so much," to "I hope she doesn't plan to bring THAT table with her," to "What if he still has that laundry pile every day," to "Oh my god, we both...have...cats."

Those things are important. You have to organize - who manages laundry the most; who cleans the disgusting cat messes; where do we store the table; how do we blend the furniture; etc. However, the issues that tend to go undetected are the tiny, personality indicators, like well, peanut butter.

Or sleeping patterns. Do you sleep with the TV on or off all night? Do you have a comforter? Do you sleep nude or in PJs? What time do you get up? Who gets the bathroom first? How many outlets does a woman really need? Why does it take her over an hour to get ready? How can he possibly be ready in ten minutes? Oh my God, is that a MUD MASK?!

And so it goes...

I have to laugh at all this realizing that most of this is reflective of my own current life at home. And frankly, I love it. The little challenges are hilarious at times and at others, well,...a step outside the comfort zone. I swear, I didn't mean to put the porcelain toothbrush holder in the dishwasher. I know it says not to on the bottom....well, now I do.
(Ha ha ha.)

And I'm fortunate to have a fun-loving boyfriend who is quick-witted enough to handle the issues even when they are a bit volatile. When I'm Fe-motional,
Me: "Are these eggs in the fridge fresh?"
His reply: "ARE YOURS?"

It's too funny.

Tempers light, words exchange, relationships are questioned over silliness like bed sheets, trash day, pets and pet behaviors, and all other such nonsense that we often take for granted daily until our loved ones point out "What the hell are you doing?"

Do you need to clean the lint trap every time?
YES!

Shower curtain open all day or closed?
You decide.
The jury's out in our house.

Bread? White or wheat?
Protein enriched or fiber enhanced?
Salted or unsalted butter?
Is bacon a food group of its own?!

Don't even start me on toothpaste. I'm a habitual squeezer and my boyfriend's a roller. Honestly, I need that controlled chaos for survival.
And yes, I'm serious.
And even our regular server at Henry's knows I'm loony tunes on that one.
But it's me.

And I reflect on these items humorously and seriously because it serves not only as the indicator of relationship strength between two people, but also indicates the willingness to compromise. Nothing is more precious than one's daily routine.
To each man or woman, that routine MAKES SENSE.

Even mine, which I acknowledge readily is a bit, well...crazy.
But I will never part with my cold peanut butter.
It's lovely and doesn't have the oily film on it.

To me, how a couple merges their daily routines is key number 2 or 3 on the relationship priority. It's the cog to the wheel phenomenon that allow couples to merge as a force, if you will, on a day-to-day existence. Sure, many will say meeting emotionally, physically, and intellectually is priority one, and I agree, but consider how much weight rides on the amount and temperature of water in your morning shower and whether or not you can or can't park in the garage.

And my goodness, what if your partner sees you in your granny panties or your real face after the make-up is completely off? What if she finds your porn collection, guys? Or how will she feel about watching Spongebob and eating cereal for dinner? What will he say when your cat rips his $2,000 sofa or jumps on his face at 3 AM?

These are all very significant and hilarious instances as you come together as a unit and move your relationship up a notch. This is the real stuff, the life stuff, the we-grow-in-love stuff that honestly makes life worth the tumultuous ride.

Sure, it's romantic and for me, a wonderful life. But what makes the dynamic between two newly merged individuals is how it's not about the rent or the lack of date nights, but whether or not the peanut butter is at its most perfect consistency.

Happy Co-habitating!

"We've decided to start trying..."

One thing I've always had difficulty understanding is the social conversation that goes a little something like this...

Person 1: "So, when are you two going to have children?"

Couple: "We've talked about it a lot especially now that the wedding stuff is over."

Person 1: "And?"

Couple (shared look, googly eyes): "Well, we've decided to start trying."


I. Don't. Get. It.

"We've decided to start trying," conjures up a host of meanings that exceed the realm of child-creation; however, for the purpose of staying on task, let's explore this particular topic first. Really folks, what you're telling the audience - presumably friends, parents, family members, random people in the grocery store - is this: "We're having more sex lately. It's with each other. We're also adding a schedule, position regimen, and have eliminated all forms of birth control."

*Shudder.

WHY does anyone have to know this?! To me, the important fact that seems press-worthy is the ensuing pregnancy or birth. You know, something short and fun like "We're pregnant" or "We're going to have a baby." Yeah, that seems appropriate.

Not "We're trying."

Eeeew.

It strikes me as something as regoddamdiculous as a Persian princess cat wearing a lime football helmet. WHO CARES?

Perhaps I'm a little too results-oriented, but frankly, when couples say they're trying to conceive, all it does is broadcast a mating ritual unique unto itself. It's like saying "We're having sex, more lately, and it's very different from what you're doing. I mean, we're trying."

Uh huh. Sounds like white paper sheets and sample cups to me.

Why not just share the happy news when it gets to that point? And please, don't show me your ovulation monitor. It ticks off my feminist ovaries who are somewhat timid of today's technology.
(and child birth, to be honest)

I don't know want to know if it's 'that time' and you need to leave our lunch date to go home and get your 10 minute swerve on and I certainly don't want to know if your man is now wearing boxers instead of briefs.
(Sorry guys, she tells.)

I have to say, I love children. I think they're great. I even think motherhood and parenthood is cool. I just don't understand this one particular socially accepted topic of conversation. I mean, it just seems so...PRIVATE - perhaps an experience best shared between the two, like-minded individuals with the same objective at hand. Or well....you get the idea.

All I hear when "We've decided to start trying" is "We're doing it more, likely more than you are, and it's a lot more prescribed and kinky than ever before."

Yikes.

Call me old-fashioned or even a bit prude, but honestly, most of us have the know-how (not always the resource depending on health). What we'd rather hear about is the progress after conception to say, year 18 or more.