Sometimes, I Want to Quit

Revamping my fitness approach and trying to stay consistent with diet and exercise amidst a pretty hectic lifestyle is an incredible challenge. When things get tough, I often want to quit. I see other women in restaurants who order the large bowl of pasta and it doesn't seem to make them swell with each bite. I look at my svelte gal friends and silently envy their trimness and wonder, "with all this hard work and little result - what's the point?" I stare hopelessly in the mirror at my own frame in multiple dress styles willing myself to accept what they look like when it doesn't at all look good. I take one bad day at the office or at home and have to negotiate with myself over a M&Ms or nachos. Some days - I just wanna give the hell up.

And then I think about this photo. Sure, I'm not tiny here, but this picture represents a time when I felt and looked better than I had in ages. My waist was trim; I'd been working out; and I could wear tighter clothing without feeling like a sausage. I think about this photo and the fact that at this time, I was at my lightest weight since high school. I look at this photo and remember that weekend I spent in Nashville with my sister, who always makes me feel more beautiful and more powerful than I ever think I am. I think about my confidence at that time and how working out was fun and not an inconvenience. And I remember: there's a reason I always go back to working on my fitness.

Deep down, I like it.
It's part of me. Who I am.
I may not be Jillian Michaels, but I can't live without mindful eating and working out. I just can't and feel normal.
(or whatever normal is supposed to feel like)

Never mind that the clothing in this photo is hideous. I mean, I am wearing a Cheshire cat-looking t-shirt for crying out loud, but this photo reminds me that I work out; I try to eat right; and I get back on the wagon each time I fall off because I need this.

Working out and making healthy choices makes me feel in control, motivated, positive, and powerful. I feel confident and lighter each time I hit the pavement or avoid the bread basket at a restaurant. Sure, it may suck at the time, but the self-control and feeling of elation later at reaching a fitness goal somehow makes that bread look like nothing. It makes me more excited to put on my sneakers and run even when I'm exhausted.

Lately, I haven't been true to my diet. I've gone nearly two weeks on what I'd call a binger and I've made running a backseat passenger instead of my daily copilot. Sure, I've been nursing a sore leg/foot, but that's become an excuse too. So has the rain. So has staying up late and getting up just early enough.

In short: I've been lazy.
To be clear, I've felt like giving up because lately, I've felt like a poser. Yeah, I'm still making wise choices when I eat and I'm still working out, but there's this sick feeling each time someone asks about my healthy Facebook posts as I'm taking a bite of chocolate cake. Yeah, I have guilt.
Incorporating a few whole grain foods back into my diet has also opened the flood gates: beer, chips, fries, crackers...ugh. Just thinking about some of those choices over the past few weeks makes me angry.

My point? I'm pissed off at myself, but I'm not giving up.
I have fallen off the wagon more times than I care to admit and I'm about three months slow on getting close to a weight loss goal. I set out to lose thirty-some odd pounds. I've only lost 10.
I'm not really forcing myself the way I'd tell someone else to if they were in my shoes.

I'm not, NOT practicing what I preach.
And that's not cool.

So with this confession, I'll add some successes. These are what motivate me and these are what will get me over myself so I can push through my bad choices spell and move forward with my plan. I have a race in fourteen days and my birthday is in about two months.

It's the Little Things:

1. I've been reading health and fitness blogs like crazy to stay motivated. Without them, the binger would have been much worse.

2. I'm still tracking my calories and carbs. It hurts, but it's honest.

3. I can run four miles. More if I pushed myself harder.

4. I finally bought some nice running gear for added motivation and to invest in a lifestyle I really want.

5. I still haven't had an over 2,000 calorie day (by my amateur calculations at least)

6. My legs are awesome. I have definition and muscle where there wasn't any a year ago.

7. I have friends and loved ones who support me.

8. I have the old me to remind me every day of what I'd like to be and how far I've come.

9. I'm still willing to learn and willing to try - even when my attitude sucks.

10. I've refused to accept a poor choice at meal time and have countered it with the next day/meal.

So there you have it. Call it emotional or a confession or whatever, but I've been strugglefest-ing my way through the first part of September and I'm messing up my progress. I'm moody and frustrated and sometimes, I just feel like throwing in the towel.

But I won't.

Being healthy and fit is about me. It's the one thing in the world I get to do for myself and not for someone else. It's the investment that ensures my life does suck from my 32nd birthday onward. And even though I'm worn out, angry, and feeling a bit low, I know I have the strength in here and the motivation to kick my own ass a little - in a good way.

Immediate goals:

1. Run twice this weekend. Yes, that means getting up EARLY on Saturday/Sunday.
2. Avoid the trigger foods. I know what these are.
3. Water. Water. Water.
4. Eat.Breakfast.Every.Day. A real one. Not just peanuts or a meal replacement shake.
5. Practice what I'm preaching: eat small portions, limit indulgences, and work out like a madwoman.

When the going gets tough, I have too much riding on my long term goals to just sit back and take my own beating.

Let's go!