Jitters and Rockin' that Bod

Tomorrow is the first, official race I've ever participated in. Ever. And it's really not that big of a deal. It's a four mile run/walk. (See: I can WALK if I want to!) But! I'm not. And I'm a bundle of nerves.

Never mind that I've been running for quite some time now and I've hit four miles (w/o walking) several times before. But! I haven't a clue what to expect. Forget all those running blogs I've been reading and the materials I've gotten in the mail. Somewhere between my rational brain and my irrational brain (I have two) this sends a signal that reads very simply - GET NERVOUS. BE NERVOUS. ALL DAY.

Funny, the nerves aren't really about the running; it's about not having done this before. This should be seen (rational brain) as EXCITING and WHOO HOO WE MADE IT; nope. Nervy. Terribly terribly nervy.

Here's what the irrational brain is transmitting:

1. Dana falls on face at the starting line. Everyone laughs.
2. Dana's left foot decides "F U. Not running. No way." (see number 1)
3. Dana pees pants.
4. Dana has a brain malfunction and can't follow directions. Runs someplace else - goes wrong way - gets lost.
5. Dana gets attacked by random grizzly bear during mile three.
6. Dana too deaf to hear starting sounds, warning sounds, any sounds; misses race/important signals/doesn't hear alarm clock at the break of dawn.
7. Dana falls in big pit of mud/gunk/sand/concrete/jello. Whatever. Big pit she shouldn't fall in.
8. Dana shows up to race naked and doesn't know it. Everyone laughs. (see number 1)
9. Dana wears inappropriate layers - burns to death in sudden heat wave.
10. Dana comes in last, bleeding from the mouth and eyes having done 1-9 somehow in succession and again, everyone laughs.

(Now I'm laughing.) :-)

Funny what the brain does, isn't it?
The rational brain?

Says: "You got this. This is fun. Remember?"

Thought you'd like to read that for kicks and maybe I'm not the only one who is treating this first, though mild, experience like the first day of high school.
(UGH. High School.)

Which brings me to this:
Grades 9-12 should have been spent running around in skimpy clothing and showing off my great, athlete's bod. One of my old choir mates posted this photo on Facebook:

Now, if you can avoid zeroing in on the enormous, sausage-y bangs and the fact that I'm wearing no make-up whatsoever, you'll notice I'm wearing clothing at least two sizes too large for my body. See: giant khaki shorts that are size 10s when they should have been 6s and Large, body-hiding GAP sweatshirt that I kept wearing until it ripped itself apart from overuse.

Back then, I could have gone out wearing nothing but shorts and bikini top. Instead, I dressed like that!

Crazy, right? If I had my size 6 body today, I'd be running around and jumping for joy like a loon. Back then, I had it and took it for granted or hid it out of shame because it wasn't a size 2 or 0.
Seriously.

What the F is wrong with us girls sometimes?

Just like my fears and anxieties about running tomorrow's four mile are completely irrational, so was hiding my teenage body in enormous man clothing. I had nothing to worry about then, and nothing to worry about now.

I should have been more worried about those bangs!

So here I am, years later, still worrying about silly things and still wondering if there's a part of me who is going to "be like everyone else" when it's critical. And for what?
A feeling of belonging? Blending in?

Crazy.

Instead, it's time to give up the worry and just have some fun.