For old time's sake...The Swoop and Anti-Swoop Rules

This post is a little dated, but many of you will get a laugh out of it...

The Official Ladies Notebook – The Anti-Swoop Addendum

*Created, organized, and disseminated in response to Carson McClain’s/Sweetwater Man Club(s) The Official Rulebook (‘Swoop Rules’) 2007-8.

A note:

Ladies, unbeknownst to us, there exists a secret fraternity of men in the Fort Wayne area who have developed an ‘official’ rulebook pertaining specifically to the ‘sharing’ of ex-girlfriends and/or wives. Beware – as any man you encounter from here forward, may be familiar with, engaged in, or otherwise connected to Swoop Rules. That said, and please read attached ‘swoop dictates,’ this response is necessary as what this boys’ club does not realize currently is that they are practicing the age old activity known as “marking,” “tagging,” “enslaving,” and/or “possessing,” women as property.

True, these rules are developed in a quasi-state of friendly brotherhood with ‘honor’ and ‘code’ in mind; however, unfortunately for these boys, this law-making has also done the following:

1. Ensured they have ‘ruled themselves’ out of any relationship with the five single girls left in our city.

2. Engaged in the practice of passive-aggressive patriarchal dominance.

3. Enabled themselves to become what they chastise us most for, gossips.

The following are the official ‘Swoop Rules.’ The authors and those men currently adhering to its dictates shall remain nameless due merely to circumstance…

"The Official Rulebook: How to Acceptably Swoop on your Friend's Ex"

1. No dating Ex-Girlfriends for double the time of the previous relationship. There must be consent from previous boyfriend before swoop occurs. This is the 2:1 rule. Marriage and/or divorce annuls 2:1 rule so any swoop attempts on divorcee are unacceptable.

2. No premeditation on the relationship swoop is acceptable. After all you are supposed to be friends. Swooping with premeditation is backstabbing, hence you are an asshole.

3. In regards to the 2:1 rule, any attempt to swoop is as bad as the action failed or succeeded.

4. No fondling or touching current girlfriends, current love interests or any girlfriend within the 2:1 rule.

5. Sex. 2:1 rule applies unless the 2:1 rule has been annulled by a marriage or a divorce. Intimate relationships with the divorcee are completely unacceptable.

6. Being drunk is not an excuse for any attempt to swoop. Even if you are being swooped upon. If reverse swoop happens you must report to friend and 3rd party the next day.

7. Any "rule" must be cleared with friend and 3rd party

8. The library, coffeshop or lunch is a cover up for a date, hence it is a date. see 2:1 rule. Any date or any cover up for a date is an attempt to swoop.

9. Prior friendships are exempt from library/coffeshop rule but may not encroach on the 2:1 rule. No sex is acceptable. If the "previous friendship" is in question in relation to swooping, it must be discussed with a 3rd party.

10. It is forbidden to represent yourself as a superior alternative to your friend.

11. Friend Network (i.e. MySpace, Facebook, etc.) adding is unacceptable unless she adds you. And you must verify with friend that the add is acceptable. There will be no messaging in regards to relationships on friend networking sites for the extent of the 2:1 rule, If so you must verify with friend.

12. Don't be a scumbag. Be a man, be a friend and do what is right.

Indeed, these 12 regulations are meant in good faith and to sustain a fraternal order of friendship; however, an addendum must be set by Fort Wayne ladies in response and to ensure compassionate counters.

The Official Ladies’ Addendum

(Or) The ‘Anti-Swoop Rules’

1. Good men are difficult to find in Fort Wayne. The first lady to a decent guy – wins.
2. If you are currently engaging in bisexual or try-sexual behavior with your friends, the concept of swooping is off the table. All’s fair. Attempting to set boundaries on a man while making out or experimenting with women is a double standard. Your man gets to kiss a man.
3. The “it’s okay for me, but not for you” rule is an age-old double standard too. You may not flirt with other men and expect for your man not to engage as well. Discuss all boundaries and expectations prior to being seen in public together.
4. Your friends may befriend your man. This does not equate to cheating. Should you suspect your man of cheating, hold him accountable. Speaking up does not make you a bitch. Being accusatory without supporting evidence DOES.
5. Never swoop on another woman’s man. That said, another woman’s man equals a) her husband, b) her boyfriend. If you know your close friend has a serious crush on a man and he has expressed interest in you, converse with friend before acting on interest and consider the effects upon your friendship.
6. The failing relationship. If a man expresses interest in you and he has a wife/girlfriend, do you your research. Make all attempts to head off potential disasters. If you do so and attempts fail and you put friendship first, all’s fair in love and war. Ensure interest comes solely from the man and you are not a party to any flirtation that can be misinterpreted. Defend yourself as needed. Dignity first. Remember, that real love can’t be destroyed by rumors, bad information, and stupid gossipy people.
7. If you are cheating or have engaged in malicious behavior in your relationship, do not use this as the means for accusing your man or friends. Match.com and eHarmony.com searching and communicating while in a relationship equates to the same level of malicious intent.
8. Just because you can slap/punch/kick/bite/scratch your man does not make abuse okay. Kicking in the crotch is meant for defense only and is followed by 911. Practicing controlled violence as a couple is okay as long as both parties consent and bruise placement is tactful.
9. Hating your man’s ex because she’s pretty, thin, successful, or intelligent is off limits. It makes you look stupid and insecure. She probably has back-acne or body odor. Remember, they broke up for a reason. Hating on her just because she is an ex is ridiculous and makes her the winner, not you.
10. Girl world and girl drama is appreciated by NO ONE. This is the lunch table/cheerleader concept. Grow the F up.
11. Dating a friend’s ex is okay so long as a) the relationship terminated legally, b) the ex lives in another state, or c) she’s going to murder you anyway. Life is short.
12. Your man is going to a strip club for a reason. It’s not only a buddies’ thing. Seriously. Wise up. Buy a pole – with his money.
13. If your friends are sketchy about your man choice, investigate. They are telling you these things despite their impulse to not hurt your feelings. They care. Remember consult your friends on this. No one else, unless it’s family.
14. If your family hates your spouse/boyfriend/interest…there’s a reason for it. Do your research. Make a smart choice. If your family is clinical, take this into consideration during evaluation.
15. Dating with intent is a bad idea. This will not make you a baby or get you down the aisle any quicker or with better results.
16. Sex with your partner is a good thing. Sex with everyone else’s partner is a bad thing.
17. The “I was neglected” defense is not acceptable.
18. When breaking up, be honest. Never use “It’s me, not you,” or “You’re too good for me,” unless of course, it really is true.
19. Beware high school, Facebook, and Myspace politicking while dating a man.
20. Make wise decisions. Consider all options and put your happiness first. The rest will fall into place and others will eventually respect you for being smart and considerate. Play nice. Be a woman. Be a friend.