I know it's a new year and it's been months since I last put up a ranty post, but I haven't felt much like ranting about being 30 lately and have felt that I needed to wait for some appropriate fodder. I have it now.
Truthfully, being 30 years-old isn't all that bad. Frankly, it makes it okay for me to not be cool. I can stay in on a Friday night doing homework or watching The Office reruns and do so without guilt because no one called about going to the bar. I'm finding that I like peace and quiet and impromptu small group dinners with friends rather than the 10 pm - 3 am booze-hound crowds. I'm no longer too concerned about how I look in hot rollers in the morning (it's pretty freaking hilarious) and after one year and some months of dating, I finally allowed my boyfriend to see me with wet hair and no makeup. (Gasp!)
It's taken a few weeks, but I'm finally getting a little comfortable with crossing the 30 threshold. But there's this one thing that keeps happening...
For those of you who don't know me very well, allow me to give you a bit of a current profile. I have a career in higher education and attend graduate school in the evenings to earn my M.A. in English. In addition, I am on several committees both for and outside of work in the name of community service. I take yoga and tai chi. (Note - I'm pretty terrible at both, but I'm not giving in yet. They promise serenity and relaxation at some point.) I also have an active family and social life. When I'm not meeting a commitment of some kind, I can typically be found cleaning, reading, or writing. I suppose those are dull pastimes for some, but they bring me peace.
I recently added researching and buying a new car. This is somewhat a selfish project, but it's wavering between a desire and necessity and in time, the urgency warning will sound.
Anyway, I tend to sleep somewhere between 4 and 6 hours per night because if I'm not attending meetings, working, or going to school, I'm at home preparing for one of them or squeezing in an hour or two of relaxation. Now mind you, I'm not a whiz kid. There are people who are far busier than I am and who have even more projects on the side, but frankly, I think this is pretty par for someone my age, unmarried, and without children of my own.
Segue to what gets me riled up.
I get it. I'm not married and I haven't given birth. I don't have children of my own, though my boyfriend has two wonderful little girls who I love to spend time with. I also have nieces and nephews and friends with adorable little cherubs - all of whom I enjoy being around when I can. I'm pretty kid-friendly actually.
What galls me is this conversation, one that has occurred multiple times in my late 20s, but seems to now mark conversations with friends and family more frequently. When adults come together in conversation about life and the daily goings-on, oftentimes, we lament how busy were are or how stressed we are or how much we have on our proverbial plates by way of responsibilities. Recently, I was sharing my work stress with a friend who often shares her stress with me and upon listening to what I was worried about responded:
"Well, it's not like you have a sick kid at home or a family. You don't even know what busy is."
WTF?
Now, I'm not an idiot. Parenting is tough. Marriage is tough. Life in and of itself is tough. But I think it's pretty lame for parents to condescend on non-parents simply because they've chosen not to have children yet, or at all. Frankly, I can't imagine how stressful being a parent is because I'm not one yet...and I may never be one. But! Does that mean my concerns, my stresses, my responsibilities are LESSER in value because they don't relate to green burp-up and lipstick on the walls?
I'm not being facetious, I'm asking!
And I can't even fathom what it must feel like to have a child spring from your loins. I'm sure that takes its toll on the body and the psyche, but I have eggs. They may not be as fresh as yours, but they were there last time I checked.
I'm still a woman. I'm just not a mom.
My own mother got on board with this thinking when telling me to relax and rest more. Note - her concern was that I was wearing myself down and not getting enough rest. But she threw in "well, at least you're not pregnant or married or have children. It's not like that."
Talk about making me feel guilty. "Shame on you, Dana, for thinking you're actually stressed out and overwhelmed. If you don't have a baby, then it's peanuts, pumpkin."
Now I have to add here, the guilt + the responsibility and accountability of stress = manic state of self-loathing. Just so you know.
I still have eggs, dammit.
And I'm not saying that being a mom isn't tough and I have a great deal of respect for all moms out there - well the good ones that is - and I understand that my life can't possibly be held up against one of a parent's, but to me this is difference, not better or worse.
Right?
And I hate to pour salt into the wound here and point this out, but you don't need a license or a degree to get pregnant. I'm just saying. Damn near anyone can do it and those that cannot, well I feel for them. (I may even be in your camp and don't know it yet.)
But that said, just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you should. And just because you DID give birth to a beautiful child doesn't mean you should rub non-parents' noses in it. There may be a perfectly logical reason for someone like me to not have children. Doesn't mean I don't have problems or stress or responsibilities and it sure as hell doesn't mean I don't have a family.
PS: I HAVE A FAMILY.
*Takes deep yoga-like breath.
You see, I don't know where I am on the child-rearing spectrum yet. I love children and I know a lot of great, caring parents out there who inspire me. I don't know if I can have children yet and I don't know that it's in my future. What I've chosen (for the time being) is to NOT have children until my life is in order - when I'm in better health; have more flexible time; can be home more often; etc. To have a child in the chaos that is my career right now just wouldn't be fair to the little him or her. I'd even like to have one of those fancy soccer-mom-mobiles if I'm going to be one - the whole gamut. But not right now.
I have other things to do. And sure, I could eat crow on this sooner than later and not everyone has the option for being so on-the-fence, but I don't see how one person's baby automatically tips the scale away from the career-person. I heard different was good once?
I have one friend who is very dear to me and at the last minute asks me to babysit. Now, I ADORE her daughter and when possible would drop what I'm doing to help out. However, the few times I've had to say 'no' resulted in a "Hmph" and "Well what the heck are you doing?" in a tone to suggest the end-note "...that's more important than being with a child."
It hurts my feelings frankly. (And don't even start me on parents who constantly complain about having children; to me, that's not right either! Children, in my opinion, are a wonderful gift - except those murdering ones on Law & Order.) :)
You're right, I'm out boozing it up and driving a hot little red sports cars without care or concern or on the couch eating Doritos and playing video games. Sheesh. Someone has to go these meetings and someone has to make sure office opens on time.
This, to me, is why so many 30-something women become OBSESSED with procreation. They have to do it to fit in. They're getting pressure from all sides from other mommies and and their mommy's mommy and couple that with the age-old "you're not getting any younger" schtick and voila! your typical career woman morphs into hormonal, invitro-obsessed, maniac - clutching at babies in Wal-Mart and googling over maternity clothes before she's been on date 1.
Gak.
Not for me.
Now to be clear, I realize I may miss out on something truly beautiful someday if I never have a child of my own. I know that deep down; most of us do. I also know that if I don't have a child by age 31, it's gonna be okay. I have nine good years to still make it work if that's in the cards. I also know a lot of children out there who could benefit just from my being involved in their lives. That's okay and pretty cool too.
What I do not appreciate is this permeating assumption that women without children are children-haters, or selfish, or wealthy, or hard up, or cold and bitter,....and yada yada yada. It's just not true.
Some of us aren't mothers for perfectly sound reasons: we're babysitters, friends who can help out, step-parents, role models, Big Brothers or Big Sisters, mentors, etc. Some of us are just not there yet and just because one woman or couple got there first doesn't mean he/she or both of them get to condescend on whether or not their lives are more stressful. Their lives may have different meaning and different complications.
Just don't clobber me over the head with it, okay?
By reminding people like me that we're childless, well it just adds insult to injury. Next time, ask about my eggs first.
