Sometimes, I Want to Quit

Revamping my fitness approach and trying to stay consistent with diet and exercise amidst a pretty hectic lifestyle is an incredible challenge. When things get tough, I often want to quit. I see other women in restaurants who order the large bowl of pasta and it doesn't seem to make them swell with each bite. I look at my svelte gal friends and silently envy their trimness and wonder, "with all this hard work and little result - what's the point?" I stare hopelessly in the mirror at my own frame in multiple dress styles willing myself to accept what they look like when it doesn't at all look good. I take one bad day at the office or at home and have to negotiate with myself over a M&Ms or nachos. Some days - I just wanna give the hell up.

And then I think about this photo. Sure, I'm not tiny here, but this picture represents a time when I felt and looked better than I had in ages. My waist was trim; I'd been working out; and I could wear tighter clothing without feeling like a sausage. I think about this photo and the fact that at this time, I was at my lightest weight since high school. I look at this photo and remember that weekend I spent in Nashville with my sister, who always makes me feel more beautiful and more powerful than I ever think I am. I think about my confidence at that time and how working out was fun and not an inconvenience. And I remember: there's a reason I always go back to working on my fitness.

Deep down, I like it.
It's part of me. Who I am.
I may not be Jillian Michaels, but I can't live without mindful eating and working out. I just can't and feel normal.
(or whatever normal is supposed to feel like)

Never mind that the clothing in this photo is hideous. I mean, I am wearing a Cheshire cat-looking t-shirt for crying out loud, but this photo reminds me that I work out; I try to eat right; and I get back on the wagon each time I fall off because I need this.

Working out and making healthy choices makes me feel in control, motivated, positive, and powerful. I feel confident and lighter each time I hit the pavement or avoid the bread basket at a restaurant. Sure, it may suck at the time, but the self-control and feeling of elation later at reaching a fitness goal somehow makes that bread look like nothing. It makes me more excited to put on my sneakers and run even when I'm exhausted.

Lately, I haven't been true to my diet. I've gone nearly two weeks on what I'd call a binger and I've made running a backseat passenger instead of my daily copilot. Sure, I've been nursing a sore leg/foot, but that's become an excuse too. So has the rain. So has staying up late and getting up just early enough.

In short: I've been lazy.
To be clear, I've felt like giving up because lately, I've felt like a poser. Yeah, I'm still making wise choices when I eat and I'm still working out, but there's this sick feeling each time someone asks about my healthy Facebook posts as I'm taking a bite of chocolate cake. Yeah, I have guilt.
Incorporating a few whole grain foods back into my diet has also opened the flood gates: beer, chips, fries, crackers...ugh. Just thinking about some of those choices over the past few weeks makes me angry.

My point? I'm pissed off at myself, but I'm not giving up.
I have fallen off the wagon more times than I care to admit and I'm about three months slow on getting close to a weight loss goal. I set out to lose thirty-some odd pounds. I've only lost 10.
I'm not really forcing myself the way I'd tell someone else to if they were in my shoes.

I'm not, NOT practicing what I preach.
And that's not cool.

So with this confession, I'll add some successes. These are what motivate me and these are what will get me over myself so I can push through my bad choices spell and move forward with my plan. I have a race in fourteen days and my birthday is in about two months.

It's the Little Things:

1. I've been reading health and fitness blogs like crazy to stay motivated. Without them, the binger would have been much worse.

2. I'm still tracking my calories and carbs. It hurts, but it's honest.

3. I can run four miles. More if I pushed myself harder.

4. I finally bought some nice running gear for added motivation and to invest in a lifestyle I really want.

5. I still haven't had an over 2,000 calorie day (by my amateur calculations at least)

6. My legs are awesome. I have definition and muscle where there wasn't any a year ago.

7. I have friends and loved ones who support me.

8. I have the old me to remind me every day of what I'd like to be and how far I've come.

9. I'm still willing to learn and willing to try - even when my attitude sucks.

10. I've refused to accept a poor choice at meal time and have countered it with the next day/meal.

So there you have it. Call it emotional or a confession or whatever, but I've been strugglefest-ing my way through the first part of September and I'm messing up my progress. I'm moody and frustrated and sometimes, I just feel like throwing in the towel.

But I won't.

Being healthy and fit is about me. It's the one thing in the world I get to do for myself and not for someone else. It's the investment that ensures my life does suck from my 32nd birthday onward. And even though I'm worn out, angry, and feeling a bit low, I know I have the strength in here and the motivation to kick my own ass a little - in a good way.

Immediate goals:

1. Run twice this weekend. Yes, that means getting up EARLY on Saturday/Sunday.
2. Avoid the trigger foods. I know what these are.
3. Water. Water. Water.
4. Eat.Breakfast.Every.Day. A real one. Not just peanuts or a meal replacement shake.
5. Practice what I'm preaching: eat small portions, limit indulgences, and work out like a madwoman.

When the going gets tough, I have too much riding on my long term goals to just sit back and take my own beating.

Let's go!

I "heart" my new running shoes

UPDATE:
My new running shoes - Brooks Ghost 4

I absolutely love them! The first run with them was amazing!!!

And the clothes fit perfectly too. What a rush!

Happy happy Joy joy!!!!

The Clothes Make the Fitness

I have less than a month before my first four-mile race and I've slacked all week long on running. That said, staying and feeling fit has never left my mind. I replaced my usual 3-4 runs/week with 3 kick-ass walks with my sister while she was here visiting. We walked at least ten miles in three days. Tonight, it's back to running.

I took a brief hiatus from the pavement last week due to a growing pain in my left foot/lower calf. I've been stretching it and flexing it and it feels better. I suspect the pain comes from a variety of things: 1) my inherent flat-footedness (most know that I walk like Godzilla most of the time anyway) 2) a poor choice in sandal (they were on sale) and 3) not paying attention to my gait during my last few runs. With the hiatus though, I realized that perhaps I may need a new shoe to better suit my monster feet. My left foot, for example, seems to hit the ground naturally with a full-on BOOM rather than a soft heal-toe motion. But I digress...

On Monday, I went to Dick's Sporting Goods to find a new pair of running shoes to replace my 8 month old Asics. I've liked Asics for some time now because their roomy and comfy for a flat foot. (same idea with Adidas and New Balance) Upon entering the sporting goods store, and this was not the first time, it hit me:

The second scariest part of learning to run?

Trying to find the gear and to be COOL about it.

I walked in, looked around, and immediately felt panicky. This hasn't happened before, but this time, I had a bum foot to worry about and the knowledge of a five year-old on the playground when it comes to actual, legit running stuff. I walked back to the shoe department, eyeballing running clothes and gear thinking "I don't even know what fits or what works. Dammit. How can I FAKE IT?"
(enter the adolescent mentality)

The salesperson I worked with was super friendly. She noticed me gazing blankly at the wall of shoes trying not to look like I was reading all the fine print on each brand. I paced a little too, I think. Needless to say, I was probably a little overzealous when she asked if I wanted help.

YES!!!

First, I tried on another Asic in an 8 and not an 8 1/2. It felt a bit more snug, but immediately more stable than my other shoe. I tried on an expensive Asic and a not-so-expensive Asic. I was saddened to learn that of the two, the one that felt best was PINK. Now, I'm not anti-pink, but my last two pairs of running shoes have been pink. Enough with the pink.
Unfortunately, the super fancy Asics, the Gel Nimbus 13 running shoe, wasn't comfortable enough to justify the price.

So? I tried a New Balance. It didn't work out.

I asked the salesperson, did she know anything about other brands? Did she know of any other manufacturer that catered to flat, unstable feet?
She said Brooks.

I walked away with a new pair of Brooks' Ghost 4 running sneaks. They were super comfy and super fun to hop around in and walk around in. Tonight - we ride.
I'll let you know how it works out.
Nearly an hour later, I had my sneaks.

But what about gear? Outerwear?
I was stumped. I clumsily looped around the apparel area of the store. I had rookie stamped on my head as I was immediately drawn to other shoppers who bee-lining for items they "always wear."

I confess. I grabbed new socks. (I know socks.) And a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I've been timid to try them on. I know, lame right? That happens tonight too.
I kept the receipt.
I'm telling you, walking around a store where other shoppers are geared out in spandex and looking all sorts of Sarah Jessica Parker in a Barney's boutique, well it's freaking terrifying.

I don't care if I sound like a child here, but tell me you haven't had this happen to you? Or is there some special fitness gene that some people get and others don't? I have 23 days before my race and I am still working on what I'm going to wear. Should it be tight-fitting? Loose-fitting? Aerodynamic? (Yes please!) What is the best brand?
Frankly, I don't even know why someone would wear knee-length socks either! (Have you seen these?)

I left the store in standard form: bright neon green shoes, black shorts, a green T, and standard issue sports socks.
I feel like a kid prepping for the first day of school.

Think the others can tell a rookie just by what he/she wears on race day?
It's not that I care, I'm just asking. What I'm ultimately worried about is my gear slowing me down! That new Tshirt? Better not catch the wind wrong. The shoes? Better not hurt.
The shorts? I don't want them riding up!

How does one even begin to know what to do the first time they enter the store?
Call for help?

At the end of the day, I felt awesome about my purchases and look forward to putting them to use, despite erring on the safe side. Spandex? Ahem, NO.
Report to follow.

About Food

A few nights ago, I flipped on PBS before bedtime for a little noise while I was getting ready to go to sleep. As I was walking from the bathroom to the bedroom, I glanced up at the TV only to be faced with coverage of cramped, scarier than hell chicken farms. Stunned, I stood in front of the TV a moment, trying to incorporate the images and brief initial commentary to something I'd either heard of or seen before. At the time, I couldn't.

But...

I couldn't stop watching. The program went on (I love PBS for their LACK of commercials!) and I became engrossed in watching what I later learned was Food, Inc, a documentary of our country's food industry. I still can't stop thinking about this film or about the information it presented regarding how our meat is processed; how our farmers are treated; how our workers are treated; and how it is far less expensive to buy Happy Meals than it is to buy fresh produce. I recall constantly messaging my fitness buddy with "OMG Are you seeing this?!" and "Oh no! No no no no no no!"

I knew there was a reason that I can't look at semi tractor-trailers hauling cattle or chickens or other livestock. It just conjures up every evil fear I have of how our meat is processed and how our animals are treated. This film just hammered the nail in the coffin for me. What I've always hoped was not true, likely is true, or at least, most of the time. I still can't get some of the images out of my head. For instance, coating meat with ammonia to ward off bacteria. WHAT!? We trade poison for bacteria. Nice. I've also recently learned about "meat glue" and about how our industry feeds corn to livestock rather than their natural diet, grass.

Before you start worrying and thinking I'm going to develop a soap box here or join PETA, you're wrong. I'm not. But, watching this film sent my mind going to how we look at food, consume food, and how we treat food. I mean to us, what IS food? Why DON'T we know more about where it comes from or what it's made from and how it impacts our bodies and our environment? Why do we simply order off the menu blindly and pick up packaged processed foods without a second thought? Because it's easy? Because we have trust in our government and food industries? Our farmers? Our planet? What is it that makes mindless eating possible?

First, as a result of watching this film, I'm certainly more interested in where my food comes from and what I put into my body. No ammonia or feces, thank you very much.

What gets me is that it took a documentary like this one to force me to evaluate more specifically why I eat what I eat and what foods I choose. Sure, I know, for the most part, the "bad foods" and the good foods," but this film drills down even further. Are certain foods safe? Have they been treated or packaged properly? Are they "REAL" food!? We eat so many chemicals nowadays that I'm not sure we give those ingredient lists much thought. When I think of all the diabetics and hypo-hyper thyroid patients and heart disease patients out there and then think about all of the processed or manufactured ingredients, it certainly makes sense that we face a nation of obesity and heart attacks. Don't even start me in on cancer.

So, how do we look at food? Rather, how do YOU look at food? I'm just recently starting to accept food as "fuel" and not just a means for pleasure or soothing some emotional sore spot. True, I'm a foodie too and I love a great meal and appreciate a well-prepared, creative dish. However, more often than not, I'm not getting that at most casual restaurants. Right? Right.
Those fine, gourmet meals are usually a treat, something prepared once in awhile. All the time? It's garbage city.

To me, food should not only taste good, but BE GOOD. Food should serve a purpose - fueling the body to perform its metabolic functions. It should be satisfying and with luck, incredibly tasty. Sure, it may feel good for a moment to devour an entire bag of Doritos or a pint of ice cream, but are those ingredients good for you or your system?
No.
The result? Panic and depression during bikini season and that's not even the half of it.

And then I think about how fortunate I am to have the OPTION to eat healthfully. I can afford to buy vegetables and fruit and lean meats and fresh dairy products. I'm not forced (usually) to count penny-by-penny or clip a lot of coupons to buy the groceries I need. (Mind you, I probably SHOULD clip more coupons.) What about all of the individuals and families who can buy a five-box package of Kraft Macaroni and cheese for the cost of several heads of broccoli or a few pears? Why is drive-thru $1 menu food less expensive than a bunch of carrots or pound of apples? It just doesn't make sense when we want our nation to be healthier, slimmer, and happier.

I know I'm rambling here, but this is what this film does. It forces the mind to race and to check all the ways in which we evaluate food and energy and how little value we place on where our food comes from. Why are we feeding children fruit juice loaded with sugar and additives? Why are we eating chips instead of veggies? So many things at home and in the larger world have to occur to turn the tide back, I'm sure.

I guess what blows my mind most is how easily I let all of this slide by me from day-to-day. It doesn't register, this food cycle, and how it plays an intense role in economics, my health, the health of my community, the business, and overall environment in which I live.

I am not a hippie.
I repeat:
I am not a hippie.

I'm becoming cognizant in an area where I wasn't appreciative or aware before. I've heard other people wax poetic about being vegan or vegetarian or animal rights activists and to me, there's a thin line between educated and making choices and being downright pretentious.
So far, I'm neither. I'm just learning and observing and hoping to incorporate wiser choices as a result of this unexpected opportunity.

I recommend checking this documentary out and I know there are many others out there that I've yet to watch. At the end of the day, be aware of food, I suppose, is what my message is. Be aware of what it means to you, your body, and others. How the process and implications of our food industry affect health, business, the overall economic landscape, and how we relate to one another. Lord knows this awareness is long overdue for me and I've been obsessed with health blogs and fitness articles for years now. I've somehow only subconsciously drawn connections - you know, the ones that quietly read: This doesn't REALLY apply to you. Have another chicken strip.

One action I took this year was to become more involved in one of our local farmer's markets. I buy SOME produce locally to support our local farmers and to enjoy fresher foods. There is nothing, NOTHING I say, better than a fresh, summer tomato, off a vine. No comparison to those in the grocery store.

Fresh tomatoes, mozzarella, and basil from the YLNI Barr Street Market (Fort Wayne, IN)


I've also tried to incorporate more organics into my diet. Mind you, they are more expensive and though I don't need to count every penny, it doesn't mean that every penny doesn't count. I suppose this is called making baby steps. If possible, I'd like to take a cleaner, healthier approach across the board, but this means addressing meat, fish, and dairy in a more mindful way too. That will come with time, I think. My current goal is to learn all I can and to adjust my diet slowly so as to make a more healthful impact on myself and eventually for others (by example or by my health being so good that I can do more for others). Lofty goals yes. Important goals? Absolutely.

I'm not becoming a vegetarian and I'm not evolving into a flier-waggling activist today. But I'm making small changes to a better diet and a better, healthful lifestyle. It's easy when you do one thing at a time. All it takes is a little motivation. This film will do it.

After all, doing a little is far better than doing nothing at all.

Here's to mindful eating!

Four Miles For Fitness

Yesterday marked a major milestone in my new fitness program. Nearly a year ago, my neighbor and I decided to try to the Couch to 5K program, an approach to running that helps ol' potatoes like me become svelte runners in no time flat.

I've never run more than one mile before last summer/fall, when we began our evening jogs - my goal at all times becoming the former fit me you see to the right. At the time, neither my running partner nor I could jog more than few minutes at a time without gasping for breath. We spent a good deal of time walking and lamenting how challenging the running was - at first.

A year has passed. Last night, my friend and I ran four full miles without stopping, without gasping for breath and without really hurting. Honestly, I think we probably could have gone even farther had we not been so excited about reaching the four mile goal. We had set out to run three miles in the balmy, rainy weather, only to realize very quickly that we could shift into a comfortable pace that would allow even more distance.

Mind you, four miles is not a big deal to most. To us? It's HUGE.
We have our first race scheduled for 9-24-11 and our goal was to run this four mile race successfully. Me? My plan was originally to just make it through in one piece - in other words, without dying. Now? Running that four mile in a month seems completely doable. (Warning - I'm still high from our success.)

For months we've been stuck at the two mile mark, grappling to go a little further each time. Last night, we blew through a few steps going from 2-4 miles in one evening. Maybe the Fates were smiling, maybe we were both properly fueled beforehand. I don't know. What I do know is that this little victory has been a giant boost in being ready to push my fitness activity to the next level.

Coming in from the run, my boyfriend made the comment: "Wow, I'm really proud of you. You know, if you can do four, you can do five. Ten even!"

A year ago, I would have scoffed at him. I would have said "Yeah right," and headed for a snack. Today? It certainly seems possible. Doable. Above all, I don't loathe running like I used to. A former sprinter (see track, softball, basketball), running distance was not even a blip on my radar. When I first started training, I had no confidence that I could really do it. Now? I feel comfortable telling people that "I run" or that "I'm a runner," when a year ago, it would have been a big fat joke.

Cheers to a new milestone! I'm going to stick with this mileage and hopefully improve my time over the next month in preparation for the race. My goal then will be to increase the miles and improve the time...who knows? Maybe one day I'll do some major races once I've lost some of the anchor weight that inevitably slows me down. Ha ha.

All I know is that right now, I'm incredibly pumped about what my body can do now that it couldn't do before. The opportunities seem endless and it took just a piddly four miles to prove it to myself. Funny how that works.

A recap from my first "major" run:

*Mile Two is the toughest. Once through that mile, I became 'high' on running and things didn't feel quite so difficult. I felt a little light headed and to a degree felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. I went from being an emotional being to feeling more like a machine.

*I have long hair and tucking that giant ponytail under into one of those bobtail-looking thingies, well that helped a ton. I didn't feel like I had my hair weighing me down. In fact, I felt more aerodynamic.

*My running partner is awesome. This journey wouldn't nearly be as fun or as amazing without her.

*My thighs aren't rubbing together - as much. I don't care who you are, but THAT'S Victory right there. :-) I still have about 20-25 lbs to go.

*Running in the rain wasn't bad at all. I remember a time when we'd cancel runs because it was sprinkling. Now, it just makes us feel more badass. Soggy, but badass.

*I'm learning to like running. Every few months I set a goal. Here's to setting the next one at 5 miles.

*I'm still a newbie. In the grand tradition of running, four miles is for wimps. That said, I am excited to learn more, become a better runner, and to share what I've learned with others. Now that I have some distance under my belt, it's time to develop an even better training/nutrition program.

YES! We did it!

Diets are for Jerks

That's right. The word "diet" conjures up images of grapefruit squeezing, near-manic hustling on the treadmill, and meals consisting of one cherry tomato and cottage cheese. The word diet even brings along with it, images of intensely self-abusing women throwing up anything above 100 calories.

Not me. No way in hell.

Diets are for jerks. Diets are, in my opinion, our version of a 'quick fix' rather than what the word was intended to mean - what you eat. You can have a healthy diet or an unhealthy diet, but instead, the word diet equals starvation mode in my emotional brain center.

After a few tough months of embarking on a new, healthy approach to living, I've decided to shift this blog over as a way not to only share the ups and downs of my own weight-loss and health journey, but to also hold myself accountable. After a month or two of posting my weight-loss achievements (no matter how tiny) on Facebook, I've decided I needed a way to express my personal journey to becoming healthier, even if the expression is just that - to myself.
Writing it out is far better than rolling the trials and tribulations around in my head. After all, I'm still a woman and I'm still a woman at war with a sometimes wavering self-image.

This shift is designed to be informative, but most importantly to help me identify cracks in the system and to encourage others to communicate with one another about their own struggles or fitness goals. I'm not here to talk about diets. I'm here to talk about living healthfully - to make decisions in nutrition and exercise that will lead to a better kick-ass version of myself. It's going to get funny and sarcastic and emotional around here, but I have had to find a way to check myself against temptation and to finally, FINALLY, make up for some serious time lost to unnecessary indulgences.

Disclaimer - I'm no expert. I only know what works for me half the time, but I will say, if you choose to read this, you know you better than I'll ever know you. Take that into consideration. If nothing else, I hope you can relate and I hope you can deal with a bare-bones blog because I work full time; I have a family and friends; and I have community commitments that won't go away anytime soon. That said, enjoy.

This ship is turning around, so-to-speak, in a very Titanic-trying-to-evade-the-iceberg kind of way (aka - super duper slowly).

Before heading right down into the details of what's going in this girl's fitness orbit, you should know the following:

*I was once nearly 40 pounds heavier than I am now. I know what it's like to be fat, to be constantly uncomfortable, and to live on an out-of-a-box (see: Ramen, Hamburger Helper, Kraft) diet.

*I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. More on this later. Basically, it's code for slow metabolism and various other annoyances that often can thwart weight loss and energy.

*I have a goal of 20-30 pounds to lose to be in what I consider a healthy weight zone (based on BMI). Some will tell you I am my right size now. Trust me, I like the me I am, visually. But! Things can certainly improve.

*I'm learning to run. Emphasis on learning. I'm running my first 4 mile race in September. The Couch to 5K works.

*I don't follow any one diet prescription and I won't. I try to eat healthfully while understanding that sugar and basic carbohydrates make me sick and instantly gain weight. Ultimately, I try to eat what occurs naturally, but that is definitely difficult to do. I often fall off the wagon. Some would call my approach "low carb" or "Atkins friendly." That is not entirely inaccurate.

*I'm attempting to strike a balance between exercise, confident body image, nutrition, and weight-loss. This blog will serve as my check-in post.

Welcome.

In Transition

Recently, I found myself browsing the web for interesting blogs and I realized I hadn't returned to MM since Grilled Cheese Month! After reading several motivating blogs about cities, food, nutrition, travel, education, and more, I returned to MM only to think: "Wow, my blog is well...BORING."

For a super cool blog, check out: http://losingweightinthecity.com/
Theodora is quickly becoming one of my favorite bloggers.

Admittedly, I'm not an HTML guru (far from it) and I certainly don't have what I'd call a finger on the pulse of emerging technology (My Twitter is way boring). So, I began playing around with Blogger's templates (of course) and am in the process of changing things up a bit here. I've also toyed with shutting down MM permanently and starting over fresh, someplace else, but I can't seem to bring myself to do that - yet.

That said, it's time for change. This is significant because not only do I feel that this blog is way overdue for a makeover, I, too, am in serious need of a makeover. So perhaps, together, MM and I will evolve a bit more over the next few months. :-)

I realize that for the time being, a "grape" template is a bit generic, but my rationale is "Hey, I like grapes," so I'm going with it for now. Grapes make jelly and wine, so to me, this makes sense.

Stay tuned...